My Love Languages

Have any of you found out what your love languages are? If you don’t know what they are, basically it’s stated that every person has a particular way of expressing their love to someone and understanding them is very important. Many people in relationships can sometimes feel like their partner doesn’t love them, but it’s mainly because both parties express love in a different way and either side isn’t clearly seeing it.

The five languages are (in no particular order):  words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts. Miso, my close friend, expresses love through quality time mainly (followed by others I’m not sure in what order) and she once told me she wasn’t sure if her boyfriend loved her – or rather, he doesn’t show it. We talked about the five languages and she realized that he does express it but not via quality time, through gifts and actions. He spends so much money (almost carelessly) for her and on her. One time they were facetiming and Miso said she missed him. The next day he booked a flight to see her for the weekend (they’re lowkey long distance).

You can take a test to see in what order your love languages are. Mine are: Acts of service (9), words of affirmation (9), receiving gifts (7), quality time (4), and physical touch (1).

I think this is very accurate. And as you can see, acts of service and words of affirmation are tied in first place. I find opening up to be a special thing, so I take it seriously and find it meaningful when someone tells me something remotely deep on how they feel about me. BUT, acts of service definitely go hand in hand with words of affirmation (which probably is why they’re both tied). If someone just keeps saying stuff without SHOWING me through actions, I’ll slowly believe them less and less.

Gifting is also very important to me. Not just receiving gifts, but giving. In my opinion, I sort of correlate it with acts of service. I love making mental notes on what my loved ones said they wanted/needed and then getting it for them later. It’s certainly my way of showing others that I was listening and that I care enough to get it for them no matter the price (well, to an extent. I ain’t no millionaire, ha). It goes the other way too. If I receive a gift – personal or not – I’ll be touched and think they really thought about it or that they at least thought of me and cared enough to give it to me.

Quality time was second to last, which I was actually a little surprised about because I thought it would have been higher up. But thinking about it, I think it makes sense. For me, I don’t care what I do with someone just as long as we’re together and having fun. For almost three years now, I’ve just been hanging out at Gamer’s place and watching him game or watching a netflix movie with him. We don’t really change it up at all except a few movies or dinners here and there. And I’m totally content with it, I haven’t ever really wished we’d stop this routine. So quality time has never exactly mattered.

That being said, there is a limit to it though. Remember that fortnite fiasco? For almost a month and a half, Gamer was so obsessed with it that every time I came over we hardly spent time together and he’d just be absorbed with playing fortnite with his friends. And I think that’s where it matters. I don’t care what we do, as long as we spend some time TOGETHER. When Gamer was in the deep end with fortnite, we’d be doing our own thing for hours on end and it felt like such a fucking waste of time that I came all the way to his place just to do something I could have done back home.

Physical touch was dead last with just one point in it hahah. It’s funny because I’m definitely very touchy. I like clinging on to someone and being close in a physical manner. But I think maybe BECAUSE I do it so much, it means I don’t really care at all about physical touch. Like someone who finds physical touch meaningful might do it more cautiously and to certain people only. But I couldn’t care less about it so I’m just displaying my physical affection shamelessly. Trust me, I cling on to Gamer a LOT like some deprived cat without thinking about it.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I think holding hands and kissing each other are super cute and my heart would definitely flutter if it happened to me. But I think it’s just because it’s romantic, not because I find it super meaningful or anything.

Of course, these are the ways I show and interpret love, but it won’t always go both ways with someone. I might find it very special that someone got me a dinosaur book because they remembered I love paleontology, but maybe to them it’s not a big deal at all and they did it just because.

It’s important to understand these languages of love and understanding other people’s love languages too. You might express your love to the fullest through gifts or acts of service, but your partner probably will still think you don’t love them because you’re not giving any physical touch, which they find the most meaningful.


Memories of a Marshmallow

I sometimes have random dreams about an ex. Not Magician – fuck him. An ex from before my time with Magician. Let’s call this guy… Marshmallow, for, as usual, reasons. I’ve never mentioned Marshmallow before on my blog, because he’s a long forgotten memory now and has no part in my life. WHICH makes these random dreams even weirder considering the fact I don’t even think about him anymore. And yet, at least every few months (sometimes longer periods), I have one dream about him. Last week, I had another dream about him after a year so I thought I’d write about Marshmallow before I forget for another couple months.

Title: The Marshmallow Tale

It was my freshman year in high school, and I noticed a boy walking across campus. He was, to me, insanely cute and for some reason I really liked the way he walked. Kind of casual but sultry. I don’t even know how to describe it. I was just very attracted to him.

After a little digging (okay, major stalking), I found out his name was Marshmallow and he was a grade above me. So because he wasn’t in my grade, chances of him having classes with me was like next to 0%. Not to mention we had no mutual friends over the years so having the opportunity to mingle was even more so a far-off dream. My high school was relatively small though (since I went to a private school) with a little under 500 students? It seems like a lot but trust me, you quickly know every single face there. So thus, I saw him every now and then around campus.

And just like that: three years went by of me just admiring from afar. He was my little eye-candy. I had other crushes and a boyfriend in the meantime, but he was always there in the background.

My junior year was when the magic happened though. I was leaving Biology class with a dear friend of mine (we still hang out!) and I noticed Marshmallow was behind us, also leaving the science building. I whispered to her that he was behind us, and she whispered back “You should ask him out to boat dance.” I freaked out at the idea, but alas, it was a fucking fantastic idea. It was then I realized, Holy shit. I gotta make a move because it’s already April and he’s graduating and leaving forever in about two months.

It took me a LOT of fucking courage but I managed to do it in the school dining hall a few days later. I saw him come in while I was with another friend and I panicked but I knew it was time. I walked up to him, hyperventilating like a motherfucker, and said hi. He did the biggest triple take because.. well… I was a stranger essentially. Literally looked at me and behind him three times to make sure I wasn’t talking to someone else. It was actually pretty comical.

I introduced myself and said that I think Nerd (my friend and someone from Marshmallow’s dorm) mentioned to him that I wanted to befriend Marshmallow. (Nerd said that he passed along the message a few weeks prior). There was a brief second of a pause, then Marshmallow smiled with an “Oh that’s right. Nice to meet you, my name is Marshmallow.” I smiled back politely but inside me a volcano was erupting hot lava of emotions.

We talked for a bit before I asked him to boat dance, and he said yes! Good thing too or else I would have had a heart attack from deep, deep shame. During that whole conversation, my legs were shaking like a newborn deer’s legs.

It seems that the universe was rewarding me for taking the first big step because Marshmallow then went on to make the first moves on everything else. A few days later, I bumped into him in the hallways and we chatted for a bit. Then he said “Hey, what’s your number? Just so—” and I didn’t hear the rest of that sentence. As soon as he asked me for my number, I zoned out in disbelief and legitimately didn’t hear what he said after that. And a few nights later, I was in bed with my roommate studying at her desk. I checked my facebook to see I had a friend request – from Marshmallow. I screamed and my roommate nearly fell out of her chair from shock.

My reactions may seem absurd but guyssss. I had my eye on Marshmallow for 3 years and now finally my far off dream of being with him was slowly coming true! Those last two months of high school was just a modern day fairytale for me.

Boat dance went amazingly well, and Marshmallow later told me that he started to like me when we were slow dancing and he liked the smell of my hair. I was like “… what.” Even Gamer, today, seems to like the smell of my hair. Every now and then he’ll just take my hair in his hand and sniff it, or he’ll sleep with his face buried in my hair. I guess guys like the way a girl’s freshly washed hair smells?

After Boat Dance, we continued to hang out regularly at school and one day at the library he kept nagging me, asking me how I noticed him or why I wanted to be his friend. It was embarrassing to say, but eventually I told him how I had noticed him for a few years now. And Marshmallow hit me with “The reason why I’m asking you is because I… like you.” I just continued smiling here like an idiot because in my mind I genuinely thought Oh, well yeah, he likes me as a friend. Duh. Then he continued with, “But if you don’t feel the same way and just want to be friends, I totally understand.” Wait, hold up. This whole time, I was happy just being friends with him and thought that’s the farthest it was going to get. But now my eye-candy crush of three years liked me back AND asked me out??

Marshmallow was such a sweet dork. Besides Gamer, he was the only one whose weirdness was completely compatible with mine; We had a lot of fun together with such an innocent, child-like relationship. And he looked ridiculously good in button down shirts like my goodness. Our relationship lasted only three months though (we didn’t get to know each other well enough to maintain a long distance relationship after he left), so sometimes I wonder if we would have always stayed that happy and compatible or if that was merely the honeymoon stage for us.

I won’t lie, I felt very heartbroken when he ended things (in a respectful manner) but I had already realized that we weren’t managing this long distance relationship well either so I knew it had to end. Despite heavy sadness I felt, I didn’t have any regrets as I had truly lived the quote “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take” and I couldn’t be happier about that.

That was six years ago. Since then I’ve moved on and never thought about him at all, but the feeling of fondness for him and our time together never went away. Perhaps that feeling is deeply and heavily rooted in my subconscious for me to have a dream about him pop up every now and then?

I honestly never think about him anymore so it surprises me to no end when suddenly I dream about him. Then, because of that, I end up reminiscing for the following two or three days. But ironically, I never have another dream about him until many months later when I’ve forgotten about him again. A steady cycle over the last 6 years.

I believe that I don’t have feelings for him anymore, but he is someone I will always remember and will always cherish for making my high school self’s dream come true. That June summer we spent together as a couple in high school before he graduated will always be one of my favorite times in life. A perfect end to a high school fairy tale.

Ah, Marshmallow. You big dork. I hope you’re doing well.

It’s the Little Things

I think everyone can agree that when it comes to relationships, the best thing you can see from your partner is effort. Doesn’t matter if they successfully cook your favorite dinner or plan a perfect date – as long as they tried and put effort into it.

Gamer tries his best with me and I’m always so grateful for it. He’s not even my boyfriend and he tries harder than the boyfriends of my past. I wanted to write this post because he’s currently doing it again.

Gamer, as my name for him suggests, loves to play video games. And I enjoy watching him play! But sometimes he gets carried away and plays with his friends online while I’m there. It generally doesn’t bother me, but it DOES bother me when he plays with his friends for hours while I’m there and we don’t hang out with each other. I mean, then it feels pointless. Why did I come over to your place if all you were gonna do is play with your friends and I’m just on my laptop? I could have done that at home by myself.

A few months ago, it got very bad. A friend got Gamer involved with Fortnite and for a month and a half straight, Gamer would play Fortnite with his friends for hours on end while I’m there without spending some time with me at ALL. It came to a point where I now have a negative association with that game. Ugh. I get annoyed just seeing the name Fortnite.

So anyway, after a month and a half of it, I finally snapped and I calmly and fully explained to him how I felt about it all. He admitted it was very neglectful of him to do so and he genuinely apologized. Since then, he’s tried to not play video games with his friends.

Fast forward to today: we spent a lot of time together earlier so when he mentioned possibly playing video games with his two friends, I really didn’t mind at all. Well, actually, he said he would but wouldn’t use the mic to talk to them and that he’ll fully play with his friends after I go to bed. But I know that that’s obviously less fun for him and his friends if they can’t all communicate together whilst playing. Besides, after all the hanging out, my introvert self didn’t mind just chilling by myself on the bed for a while. He was so adamant about not playing with his friends, however, that I had to persuade him that I was genuinely okay with it and wasn’t being passive aggressive or anything.

I suggested that we watch a movie later though and eat dinner, and he was totally down for it. We agreed that two hours later, he’ll take a break from gaming. And while I’m on the bed right now, I can see him leaning over to his second monitor every now and then to check the time and make sure he hasn’t gone past the two hour point.

I’m very touched that he follows up on his word and that he tries his best to make me happy too, despite me not being his girlfriend. Not to mention that Gamer tends to get very absorbed into games (to the point he forgets to eat and doesn’t realize what time it is) so the fact that he’s consciously making an effort to keep an eye on the time is even more heart-warming. And I think this is the type of stuff we should see from relationships – be it lovers, friends, or family!

Have a wonderful night everyone, and remember to love yourself first.

New Blog?

Hey everyone,

I want to thank everyone who’s been following me so far! It sounds like I’m quitting the blog life (which would be believable seeing as how I hardly post), but I’m not. I just wanted to thank you all for following my boring life and thoughts so far. I also wanted to let you know that I created a new blog separate from this where I can post my creative writing!

It feels a bit messy to keep my blog lifestyle-themed whilst also creative writing-themed. If any of you are interested, my creative writing blog is called The Brooding Owl. I’m planning on having my creative pieces be short, short stories and also just random creative bits that come to me. Some of them may also be based on my life too!

I’ll see where it goes, but as of now I’m pretty happy with the blog I have created. Thank you all again and I’ll do my best to keep up with Life’s Weirdest Dreams!



Hyper Realistic Dreams

Does anyone else have hyper-realistic dreams? I’m not sure if hyper-realistic would apply here, but it comes to mind when I think of my dreams. Half the time, my dreams are normal. Just dreams that feel like dreams. They’re a bit distant and don’t seem very life-like. But the other half of the time, I have dreams that are INCREDIBLY realistic. So real that I believe it happened and waking up feels like a dream itself – like my dreams were real and waking up is what makes me doubt what’s happening. Those types of dreams are… very cemented. They don’t feel foggy or distant like dreams would, they feel solid and cemented into my mind so that it seems like reality.

So my emotions in those types of dreams feel very realistic as well and waking up often leads me to being flustered as soon as I’m awakened and it takes me a full minute (or even two minutes) to comprehend what’s actually happening. If I ever have emotional dreams, those emotions will also carry over from dream to reality and I wake up with those emotions. Which sucks because then it takes me a few moments to calm down. There have been several occasions where I’ve woken up mid-crying.

On one hand it’s kinda shitty because most of my hyper-realistic dreams are fears that I have (not even big fears, just insecurities and worries). But on the flip side, they make to be super awesome experiences for me to experience and look back on.

Another type of dream I have often is inception-style. I’ll have a dream, then wake up from it, think to myself “huh what a weird dream,” then ACTUALLY wake up. And it’s not even wacky inception dreams, they’re more realistic dreams. If I’m sleeping at home, my “fake-wake up” is in my own bed so it’s very realistic. My dream’s dream might be a bit wonky, but when I fake-wake up, it’s in my bed so it seems real.

These types of dreams have happened at Gamer’s house too, and when I have inception-styled dreams at his place, my “fake-wake up” is in his own bed and room. One time, I fell asleep at his place earlier than him, and he spent the night programming on his PC. My dream that night was me “waking up” in the middle of the night and seeing him programming and we had a conversation (I know it was a dream and I wasn’t sleep talking or something because in my dream he was wearing a random suit). Then I fake-woke up in the exact same bed and position and Gamer was still at his computer but wearing normal clothes and I was all like “I had this weird dream.” THEN I REALLY WOKE UP AND AT THAT POINT I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS REAL. I have no idea how or why my dreams are like this but I guess I’m not complaining. It’s quite cool! Unless I have an emotional dream and I wake up upset and crying ha.

I think part of what makes those dreams seem realistic is that my dreams often refer to bits and pieces of my life. For example, the other day I was thinking to myself how I wish I had some Indian snacks at home that I hadn’t had in a very long time. And that night, I dreamt that I was in the kitchen opening cupboards and found a pack of those snacks. Upon discovering those, I thought to myself “oh my god! I was just thinking that I didn’t have these at home, but I guess we did!”

I had another very realistic dream today (one that involved some insecurities and tears) so I felt like sharing and talking about it. Does anyone else have dreams like these often?