Huge Meltdown

Holy shit guys. I just had a meltdown about an hour ago. So today, I wrote a post earlier about my epilepsy, and now my meltdown was about that. In one of the two english classes I’m taking, we’re reading a book called The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down. It’s about a Hmong girl who has severe epilepsy (the title of the book is actually a phrase in the hmong language which means epilepsy. Pretty cool, huh?) and she finally gets brain damage from this huge seizure she got in the hospital.

While I was reading that whole thing, I got all teary eyed and had to wipe a few tears off now and then. When I reached the parts where the parents take care of her in their home with traditional herbs and everything, I got so sad. It made me realize just how much my parents go through and how hard it must be for them to watch me struggle through school because of epilepsy. I was just like “shit man. My parents are just the bomb and my guardian angels who I myself will look after.”

My roommate got her decision from her dream college today (I’m not sure why her college and a few others are giving out early decisions this early…) and she got deferred. Which is pretty good but nonetheless she was still a bit bummed, so I didn’t want her to suddenly get distracted by a troubled girl (haha) since she was in a glum mood and needed to think by herself a bit. So I went out into the hallway and bathroom to cry silently. Luckily no one was in the hallways. My eyes were turning red and my nose, oh my god my nose… When I cry my nose turns red so that’s a huge signal for people. After thirty minutes of trying not to cry, my roommate suddenly noticed and asked me if I was alright.

I don’t know if this has happened to you guys, but often when someone asks you if you’re alright, you just break down. So yeah. I broke down. I couldn’t speak. I sobbed and wept. I have never in my life sobbed or wept. Only cry, like tears down my face and hiccuping. But damn, I was surprised at how hard I was crying. It felt good to finally let it out and it took me a whole minute (hey, a minute can be a long time sometimes) to get my voice together and tell my roommate why I was crying. I didn’t like the fact that I was “taking the spotlight” but I couldn’t do anything at the moment except tell her I was totally okay and fine. Which was true. After that breakdown and hard weeping, I really did feel better. I still got teary eyed now and then when I thought about it, and still do right now, but all in all… it’s good.

Well, I would talk more, but I have to go to an advisory meeting with my awesome girlfriends. Hope I’ll sleep well. Nocturnal me.

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