Been a while, folks. I guess there are a few things that has happened that I think would be worth sharing. First story happened a few weeks ago. In my Sociology class, we’re doing a case study group that lasts the whole semester. We had to get into groups of three and we get to choose what TV show we want to watch (out of the list the teacher had) and do some long term project on it. And because there’s significantly less girls than guys in the class, the groups had to be two guys and one girl (and there’s I think one group that’s all guys).
I decided to ask these two guys, let’s call them Mark and Brendan (I knew they’d pair up). I messaged Brendan on Facebook and he didn’t see it until a while later. He said “hang on, let me ask Mark” or something. I said okay and while I was waiting, I texted my close friend (same class as me) about it. She, let’s call her Tina, replied saying that Mark just texted her and then sent me a screenshot of her and Mark’s conversation. I was in disbelief when I saw that a few minutes after Brendan said “hang on” Mark had asked Tina if she was in a group already and that if not, if she wanted to join him and Brendan.
I had mixed emotions, but I guess I was mainly sad. That’s the issue with being great friends with a gorgeous girl. She’s bi-racial and as we all know, most bi-racial people are very good looking.
I became somewhat depressed and my self-confidence just went down the drain instantly. I felt like ugly, worthless crap. My thoughts were jumbled up too and I kept thinking, they’re choosing someone better looking than me for this semester long project? Or do they actually think I’m dumb? Either way… it hurt.
Tina told Mark that she had already made up her mind for a group, and a few moments later Brendan messaged me saying “yeah you can join.” Yeah, thank you for giving me permission to join you two after you put me on freakin’ hold while you asked my close friend in order to decide whether to reject me or not.
For the next few nights I’d lay in bed and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. My self-esteem kind of crumbled, as mentioned before, and that really wasn’t good since it wasn’t exactly that high to begin with. But at the same time, I think subconsciously I wasn’t too surprised at that little incident. Since middle school, my closest friends have been the pretty, lovely personalities, and smart girls. They weren’t stuck up bitches like you’d see in typical high school shows or what not. They all are so sweet and even though there might have been disagreements, we all treated each other respectfully and I was so happy with them (I’m using past tense because we’ve graduated now and they’re in different colleges). But it still never made me feel that great when we’d hang out with other people and they’d kind of ignore me. I eventually just let it be though ’cause I was used to it. Partly a reason why I don’t go out much, never saw the appeal.
Yeah, I probably sound really pathetic and whiny, but I don’t know how else to say it. And I think I mentioned this background before, but freshman year a guy used me to get to one of my best friends (and they had a lovely relationship). Sophomore year, I had a thing going on with a guy I really liked for a few months, but at the last minute when he found out that I actually liked him (and I guess not only simple flirtatious behavior) he suddenly asked a close friend out (she was apologetic but still went out with him of course and I ended up being cupid). Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a loser haha I had three wonderful relationships and a bunch of amateur ones.
With all that… this whole group incident affected me more than it probably would have if I didn’t have past issues with douche guys.
I don’t really have the right to be mad at Mark and Brendan for that, since of course they’d have a person in mind that they’d want to be in a group with, but I can’t help it.
Well, this was a long post, I’ll do another one for my second catch-up story.