Thoughts Changed for the Better or Worse?

I always thought that I’d be in the kind of relationship where it’d be sturdy, where if there was any issue or situation that arises, my significant other and I would talk about it. Many of my friends once in a while will come to me and say “Well, ____ and I broke up” and then a day later, or even less, they would end up back together. I’ve never been in that kind of relationship and had always hoped that it would stay that way.

That kind of relationship, to me personally at least, seemed stupid and, for lack of a better word, immature. I always thought to myself, “huh, I’m never going to constantly break up with my boyfriend and get back with him just a few hours later, that’s stupid,” or something like that. I was so confident I wouldn’t allow myself to be in a relationship like that, but I realize relationships are unpredictable. It’s not like I can look at a guy and automatically think, “he’s the kind of guy to break up constantly” and I certainly didn’t see my current boyfriend as that kind of guy.

And I don’t know how to feel about that. Is it normal for couples to do this? Break up during fights and get back together? Was I the odd one out? I just don’t get it. So far, my beau has broken up with me twice, and the last time it happened was just last week over text. It was after an argument we had and I went to bed angry, of course. And then about 40 minutes later he texted me a long paragraph saying he took a long shower and after thinking about it, was breaking up with me. Turns out he was actually furious, but I honestly did not know that – he hid it well over text.

And of course, me being the person who was not used to this kind of break-up-get-back-together relationship, started freaking out. Like… what? You’re breaking up with me over something that I did not know bothered you so much before. Don’t I at least get a 3 strikes and you’re out kind of thing? I was so confused and sad, and angry at myself too.

Luckily, he had told me in the beginning of our relationship that if we ever get into big arguments, he might have a tendency to say things he doesn’t mean – aka break up messages. So I had a feeling that everything would be better, but at the same time I still freaked out. It was around 3:30am and I stayed wide awake until 6am, when he finally responded to my texts (apparently he had fallen asleep right after he sent that text).

We resolved it a few hours later… but again, I’m really not used to it. I always thought that couples who were in that kind of relationship were… unstable, weak, not strong enough to withstand mere arguments. Subconsciously, in a really weird way, I kept wondering: Does this mean we’re not a strong couple? Okay, I wasn’t having direct questions like that. They were more like feelings of doubt (not about my beau or us, just about my past thoughts), wonder, confusion, etc.

And then the funny thing is that, it’s been a week but I’m still on edge. Whenever I’m doing my own thing and I see that my beau sent me a long text message, I legitimately feel my heart jump a little out of fear. Every single time. Just a few days ago he said he was going to take a shower, and after a while I started to get anxious, having thoughts like “he’s taking a lot longer than usual, is he contemplating breaking up again?” As I may or may not have mentioned previously, my beau has insomnia and has trouble sleeping. I’m used to waking up in the mornings to see one to three texts from him saying how he can’t sleep or just a random text, but for the past week whenever I see a text from him in the early mornings, I once again feel my heart jump a bit from fear. And last night he was telling me issues his brother and his brother’s girlfriend were having and out of no where I started wondering “is he hinting about how he feels about me now?”

It’s actually fucking ridiculous. I hope this isn’t permanent and is just something temporary. I opened up to him and told him that I’m not sure how I feel about the fact that we might go through this again and again in the future. He admitted that he doesn’t know because he tends to get irrational when he’s mad. I understand that, but at the same time I just do not know how I feel about that. I’m encouraging him to next time let me know when he’s mad at me or if I fucked up, so that we can work through it. I really do hope he will because I honestly don’t know how I’ll be able to handle it if it happens consistently.

 

On a side note, it’s Christmas Eve!!! Post on Christmas to come soon :)

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