An Unwell Disbelief

It’s been a while, folks. I’ve been very busy lately, and I feel pretty overloaded with school work, not to mention taking care of mom as she’s dealing with cancer (a post you’ll find in my other blog if I have failed to mention it on this blog site before). I think there’s about… 6 classes left before the school year ends, so I guess it’s expected there’s going to be a lot of work.

I don’t know if it was the weather or if it’s the stress, but I’m deathly sick right now. Which is pretty unusual because I hardly get sick. This is the first time I’ve gotten sick in almost a year since my time in India (I got a 102 degree fever). I have a pretty bad cold – it started off simple with just a sore throat, then the coughing came as well as a stuffy nose. But I felt mentally and physically worse though because of the workload. Beau wasn’t helping either.

Yesterday I went over to his place and I had to work on a project that I had to submit online by 2pm, so I was just minding my own business. I guess I seemed quite grumpy because I was silent most of the time and didn’t talk much. Beau thought I was giving him the cold shoulder and he started giving me attitude. I understand it’s frustrating when someone isn’t his/herself, but I’m sick. I’m not myself right now and he didn’t understand that.

We parted on a bad note and on my train ride home I texted him apologizing for my misdemeanor, since I thought it wasn’t worth fighting over this. And the only thing he says is “Yeah you were a real class A bitch today.” I felt something explode inside me and I just couldn’t believe he was saying something like this.

I’m in horrible shape mentally and physically and he’s treating me like this. I didn’t expect him to grovel at my feet and treat me like a princess, but I would have appreciated his understanding my situation. Whenever he gets sick, I refrain from lashing out at him. Yes, I do get mad at him, but I just sulk. I don’t take it out on him. And if by chance I do have something snarky to say to him, I keep our “argument” as light as possible (almost like a casual conversation) and apologize for burdening him but it’s just something I’m upset over. I do that because I don’t want to cause any more stress than he already has.

And the one and first time I get sick around him, what does he do? Definitely not understand what I’m going through. If I was sick but relaxed, I wouldn’t be grumpy. But I still have to get up every weekday at 5:30am and I get barely 4 hours of sleep nightly and I’m stressed from school work, so of course I’m going to be in a non-talkative or bad mood.

We didn’t talk at all last night and this morning I texted him asking if he was still mad at me. He didn’t respond for a while, but then did and said he’s just leftover grumpy. I apologized again. He said it was okay. I was surprised he didn’t bother to apologize, so I asked if he was going to. And he refused. For almost 30 minutes we texted, me explaining over and over again that I’m sick and him refusing to apologize and that his “actions were justified.”

Like holy shit, even I’m not like this to him when he’s unwell. Whenever he was unwell I just kept him company and didn’t mind that he just slept throughout our hangouts and didn’t mind that I basically wasted a commuting trip all the way to his place or that I had to take lyft/uber home each time. When he sliced his finger and had to get stitches I surprise visited him practically through a fucking blizzard. I couldn’t feel my toes for hours.

In return, the one time I get sick, he gets the angriest he’s been at me and doesn’t give a shit about how he made me feel for a day. He made my cold worse. I started getting massive headaches and my epileptic symptoms started acting up. I began getting absence seizures (hard to explain, just don’t worry about it or google it) every minute and I had to sit down in the shower for two minutes because I thought I was going to fall down.

I legitimately thought I was going to get a seizure, and it was all because of the stress I felt. Even today I’m getting massive headaches and I’m starting to feel feverish. He’s unbelievable.

To be honest, I’m pretty hurt. Why was he doing that? I was at my weakest and most vulnerable and he just… didn’t care… I’ve never done anything like this and it just makes me feel like getting revenge and acting like him when he’s sick to show him how I felt. Everytime I think about it, I just get this ache in my chest and I feel sad. I cried a bit today at school and ruined my makeup.

Everything is fine and we resolved it – he had apologized sincerely, but I still am in disbelief. I’m very hurt and I don’t know how to react still every time I think about it. It may be weird… but it’s hard to describe the amount of sadness/hurt I’m feeling. I’m stunned too. I thought he was the type of person to understand and stuff, but of course I see that I’m wrong now. I hope it passes and I get over it, but hard to tell. Wish me luck, I guess.

Another post coming up on a different topic!

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