An Empty Way

Months. It’s been months since Magician broke my heart, my trust and my own self. Everyday I count down the infinite days just hoping that I’ll jump back on my feet – that there will be a day when I can wake up and everything will go back to normal. However, it’s come to a point where I no longer look forward to the day I’ll piece myself back together. I’m still picking myself up and it appears that I’m merely picking up grains of sand on an endless beach.

I never considered myself an intense romantic. A sappy person who was all for the cheesiness and lovey dovey aspects of love (of course I will appreciate doing and receiving good romantic gestures). And yet… here I am. Still broken after the incident 6 months ago.

I’ve wondered to myself so many times as to why. Why am I still so down? Just why. Magician and I had been together for only a year, shouldn’t I have moved on by now? So many times have I lain in bed staring at the ceiling, staring at the white painting wondering why I feel so blank myself.

It was only recently I’ve realized that perhaps it’s because I put my all into this one year relationship. I did so much for him, and in return I get taken for granted and cheated on and lied to. No decent person should do this to anyone, and worst of all the one person I loved so much did this.

There are days I hate him so much for what he did. Days where I hate what he did to me, what he made me become. I don’t cry anymore about this. No, I’m long done with crying. But I feel like an empty shell most times.

People say to love yourself, spend time on yourself and grow to improve yourself. I’ve always believed in that, but I see how hard that is to do when you’re constantly bogged down by the thought that you’re not worth being treated with respect or that someone you cared deeply about didn’t even have the decency to think about your well being and self before fucking you over.

I try to love myself regardless, but it’s hard when you feel like you don’t have anyone to support you. I have great friends, but they’re all busy with their own lives and I’m not one to talk about myself for too long without feeling like I’m a whiny person or am hogging the spotlight.

So what better way than to write on my anonymous blog.

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