The Ho Phase

I’ve tried to distract myself, doing things to make me happy again. And they work, but it’s not a genuine type of happiness. Well, I feel happy at the time, but sooner or later it just dissipates into that empty feeling. If there’s nothing to distract me constantly, my default feeling is emptiness.

I won’t lie, I’ve turned into a bit of a ho. I jumped back on the tinder game and have been messaging numerous guys at once and meeting up with a few of them. I never used to be like this. Before, I used to always just stick to one guy even if we didn’t have a label and it was casual. But there was a period a few months ago where I would talk to several guys at once, ignore them once I was done talking to them, and/or meet up with them for a fling.

I’m not proud of it. But it did help. As you know, I did meet Gamer and I still am meeting him casually as a friends with benefits kind of thing. But it’s not enough. Since Magician, I’ve been going around gathering this shallow love from guys. Like I have this need to know that I am likable and that guys do like me.

Yes, it’s pathetic but it helped me cope for a while. It’s been a while though and now I don’t feel satisfied by just that. I can see that shallow love isn’t going to fix me, and that I need an actual person to care about me genuinely as a lover. At the same time, however, I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship. I still have severe trust issues, and I can already see that sparking with Gamer.

We have something casual and yet I think I’m starting to grow feelings for him, which isn’t good. I’m still in recovery mode and I recall he doesn’t want anything serious. Besides, I think he’s found another girl he’s talking to, so I’m trying hard to not let that bother me.

A middle school friend and I started talking late last night, and it turns out he’s going through the same thing as me. And he said something that stuck with me. He mentioned that he’s picking up the broken pieces of himself, but as he’s doing so, he sees that there are some pieces missing that he’ll never get back.

Perhaps that is what is causing my empty feelings. The fact that something is missing, that I’m missing a broken piece I’m trying to find to no avail.

I’ve stopped my tinder grind and instead am trying to focus mainly on my career side of life. I’ve decided to focus on my internship this semester and take only three classes. I’ll probably repeat my junior year, but I’m okay with that. It’s worth building up my career and keeping up my grades simultaneously.

Besides, mom did always say to focus on myself. To be surrounded by the best people, and sooner or later the right person will come along under good circumstances.

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