Dreams are odd. Most times they can be straight up random and other times they might be meaningful. Of course, can’t forget about the nightmares either.
Ever since Magician and I broke up, I occasionally get these strange, incredibly vivid dreams. At first, I thought perhaps the dreams were basically having me relive the moments I went through when I found out about all the lies Magician had told me. But eventually I realized that it may be more of my dreams projecting my subconscious insecurities/fears.
As we all know, I have trust issues thanks to Magician, and I suppose beyond that I have a slight fear that I’m being lied to by most guys (if not all). That they’re merely telling me what I want to hear. When I was seeing Jif at the end of summer, I had this dream that he called me after I woke up and nonchalantly admitted that he’s also been seeing another girl at the same time as me and that he wanted us two to stop seeing each other. I forget what else happened but man, it was incredibly vivid and I felt all these emotions. The feelings were so real that I woke up convinced for a good minute that that really happened.
I write this post because I just recently had another vivid dream. Over the weekend I slept over at Gamer’s place and all was fine and dandy. When we went to bed, we snuggled up and it was comfortable. But then the dream happened.
The dream was basically about me hanging out at Gamer’s place and he (also nonchalantly) said that he was seeing another girl (some girl named Lissandra… talk about random name choosing). I obviously became outraged and hurt and I think I started crying from anger. Then Gamer started to kind of taunt me like “how could you have not known? Come on it was so obvious.” Other little things happened afterward but essentially I stormed out right when Lissandra (Lissandra, seriously? How did my brain come up with that) showed up an he just ignored me and seemed WAY happier with her.
It was just a silly dream though and the contents don’t really bother me so much as the feelings I felt. And looking back, the dream didn’t really make sense (typical dream to not make sense) because at one moment my good high school friend was there randomly in Gamer’s house comforting me. And he’s normally tall and lanky but in my dream he was fatter and had long hair that was tied back…
Anyway, as I was saying I think it has less to do with the content of the dream and more about how I felt. Like honestly, I really do not know how to emphasize just how REAL those emotions felt. I guess in a way I did relive the emotions I felt last July when I found out my long-term Magician cheated on me and lied to my face constantly. And it absolutely sucks.
When I woke up, the feelings of hurt and rage lingered still inside me and I woke up agitated and also slightly confused of where I was. Even after realizing it was all just a dream and I was lying in Gamer’s bed with my head on his chest, I still felt pretty down. It was like 9am and I wanted to sleep more but I ended up staring at the ceiling for like a good hour, willing the remaining negative feelings to go away. Those emotions in a dream are no joke.
I was so affected by it for a while, Gamer even noticed my distraught self and asked what happened. I told him I had a bad dream, but I couldn’t tell him about the dream specifically though. It seemed a little weird/awkward considering we’re nothing serious. So when he asked me what the dream was about, I said I forgot it. But really, even a few days later I still remember majority of it.
Besides that though, there was another time I had a vivid dream that I didn’t hate. It happened probably a few years ago maybe? I can’t remember. But basically, I had given birth and I was holding my newborn child in my arms at the hospital, looking down at the baby. That was it, but damn… the amount of love and warm feelings I felt was overwhelming and so… incredible. To be honest, I currently am not fond of babies (I’m awkward around them), but I gotta say that was one of my favorite dreams. When I woke up, I remember thinking “Ah, so that’s what it feels like to be a mom.” To get all those heart-bursting feelings and just…. so much love and joy that I couldn’t contain inside my body. That’s also a dream I cannot emphasize just how real it all felt and the abundance of good vibes I felt.
Anywho, I’m hoping my subconscious will stop bothering me and projecting those negative emotions into my dreams.