Train Anxiety

Last night I was on my way home to sleep over at Gamer’s place (every time I post, it has something to do with Gamer. I swear I have more things in life, it just seems like all the post-worthy things occur on days I’m with Gamer), and I had another bad anxiety attack.

All day I was feeling a bit mellow for no particular reason, so I suppose I wasn’t in the best position to resist an anxiety attack to begin with. But anyway, I was switching train lines and walking down the long underground tunnel to catch the next appropriate train, and I began to feel the anxiety creep up on me slightly. I felt my heart beat a little harder and faster for no reason at all, but it felt minor so I was able to push it away from my mind for about ten minutes.

Because it was a Friday night, there were quite a lot more people going out and about on the train (all dressed up with friends and such). They were in a good mood I could see, as they were loud and chatty. I could tell they were loud even through my earphones. Two people were even dancing to their own music. Friday vibes, huh?

The train was especially humid and stuffy too (I think it was a combination of weather and also a crowded train), so it didn’t really help my situation. Because it was so crowded, loud and stuffy, I felt worse. My heart started going INSANE with its beats, I felt so uncomfortable in my clothes (like I was hot but not hot at the same time), restless, fidgety… I didn’t have a seat to sit down so I was constantly shifting from one leg to the other, trying to stop being so restless.

I hadn’t had a bad anxiety attack like that since January… Anywho, about four stops into the train ride underground, I reached my peak. I felt like I was about to burst into tears any moment and I really failed this time to calm myself down. I texted my friend, gonna call her Diva (one of my greatest friends, one I can rely on always), and she helped distract me for the remaining two stops I had to endure. Thank god too ’cause if she hadn’t I would not have been able to handle the rest of the short ride.

Once I got off the train, I felt more at ease but I still didn’t feel all too myself. So once I exited the station, I sat down on this little stone wall a few feet away from the station doors. It wasn’t too cold out, but the slight night breeze helped calm me down slightly. Not to mention fresh air! I sat there for maybe 15 minutes just breathing slowly and deeply and worked at trying to calm myself down.

I thought I felt well enough to head over to Gamer’s place, but on my way there it came back. Not as bad, thankfully, but just enough to make me still not feel like myself. I felt kinda bad that Gamer had to greet me when I probably wasn’t so cheery but he was very nice about it. Gamer has a panic disorder himself so he’s very well aware of what it’s like (although he has it much worse than me). He noticed right away that something was wrong, and when I told him I was in the middle of an anxiety attack, he told me to lie down, relax, drink some water and listen to some music while he went to shower. And it did help haha when he came back into the room later, I did feel more myself.

Yeah but anyway, that was a great start to my weekend *rolls eyes.* I had fun at Gamer’s place though. We learned some Japanese (to be honest I already forgot most of it) and I was pleasantly surprised to see how interested Gamer was. Seeing him so into it kind of rekindled my interest in learning Chinese haha.

Anyway, it’s late now. I’m tired and am going to go sleep. Good night everyone!


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