I’ve realized lately that I still haven’t come to terms with the idea of death. It doesn’t scare me per say, but it definitely makes me sad. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t have an issue of dying myself. It’s more like… I’m sad about losing the people I love in the future.
I know everyone doesn’t want to lose loved ones, obviously, but I personally can’t help but think about it a lot. I look at my dad, for example, and I think about him one day not being there and it saddens me greatly. Right now what gets to me the most is my dog. He’s a brat and spoiled so much, but I love him to death (ha) and the thought that in at least six years time he’ll be gone just devastates me.
I guess another way of putting it is that I, unfortunately, think more about the future rather than enjoying the present. And in a way, I’m scared that I’m wasting my time worrying about the future instead of enjoying what I have now. And time flies, you know?
And I don’t like that aspect of myself. In Buddhism, another crucial topic you learn is the idea of permanence. Nothing is permanent in life. One day, the car you call yours will one day be in a junk yard. Your house might be destroyed. Loved ones will pass away. You will pass away. Eventually, even plastic has an expiration date. Nothing lives on forever.
I recall when I was 10, I made that revelation on my own in the car and I told my dad my thoughts. He was so proud of me that I realized an important Buddhist topic without actually having learned it in the first place.
And now, I ironically have an issue with it. It bothers me in the way that I can’t seem to appreciate and enjoy what I have now. That instead of having a lot of fun, I think about depressing things of the future. Maybe if I had continued to be a Tibetan Buddhist, I would have learned how to let go of things.
It may sound like I constantly think about this, but I don’t. I just probably dwell on it more than the average person. When I was much younger, I used to cry about that stuff. But now they’re just thoughts that scratch the surface of my mind.
But, as the phrase goes, life will go on.