A Non-Believer’s Hopes

People often find comfort in God or some sort of higher being when faced with a troubling issue. And that’s great that they have something in their lives to rely on through tough times. But I, unfortunately, do not have a lot of faith.

Could I say that? I’m not sure. Basically I just don’t believe in anything religious like other people do. And sometimes that sucks.

Classic college student, soon-to-be 22 year old girl with debilitating insecurities, emotional stability of a seesaw and is sensitive as fuck. Just like most people at this age, I’m lost and don’t know what to do with my life now and in the future. I don’t know how things will end up and there’s not much I can do at the moment about it.

I want to so badly believe that some higher being has great plans in store for me and that everything will be okay – but I don’t even have a lot of faith in religion so it’s very hard to make myself believe that everything will indeed be okay.

I could leave it to fate and destiny, but that also doesn’t give much comfort and hope for me because it still involves some sort of belief in non-physical things. Full belief in a concept per se.

I grew up in a religious, Buddhist family and some of those Buddhist morals shaped who I am today… but where did things just go astray? At what point in my life did things just take a sharp turn on the highway and make me NOT as religious as I probably should be (given how and where I grew up)?

I even went to the country of Buddhism for a whole summer and came back from my trip DOUBTING my Buddhist background.

Religion has never played a huge part in my life or how I see things, so perhaps the lack of importance of religion throughout my life caused me to develop a certain mindset. Or perhaps it was my love for paleontology as a young one where I learned a great deal about science – that too could have developed a certain mindset on how concrete evidence is more important than a belief.

Not to say religion and belief is not important, I think it’s one of the greatest things in life that people can grow up with and live by. But I think my subconscious naturally leans more toward modern science and the need for evidence…

Thinking about it, maybe it’s my generation that is cultivating more non-believers. I know quite a few people my age who are atheists. Two of my ex’s were atheists and I’m pretty sure Gamer might be one too. And no, I’m not actively seeking out atheists as I don’t have a religious preference.

Science is great and, frankly speaking, I don’t have much faith in religion. I have a lot of respect for it and religious people/practices, but I’m naturally always dubious when I hear tales of miracles or people claiming superstitious religious beliefs (mainly thinking of Tibetan Buddhism here). Like, I don’t actually believe a monk touching my head is doing me any good, despite my parents finding it an important blessing. But I’ll naturally/instinctively bow my head and clasp my hands in respect because that’s how I was raised by my wonderful parents.

Overall, I take more toward science and evidence (and I suppose a good chunk of my generation would agree), but sometimes I wish I had faith. I wish I had something to believe in to get me through these tough times (yes yes I know – I’m young and have yet to encounter real hardship, but right now it’s difficult for me, alright?). All my life, I never believed in anything that didn’t have concrete proof. Not even Santa or the tooth fairy. I knew from day 1 that those were fictious characters.

Not having anything comforting through difficult times in general, for anyone, seems to make things much harder. I guess all I can do is wait and see if I get through these obstacles without much difficulty.

On a relevant note, does my not inherently believing in higher beings or having a lot of faith mean I’m an athiest? I mean, I don’t think that higher beings DON’T exist, but I don’t actually believe in them either. Or am I still a Tibetan Buddhist just going through a slump since I still live by some Buddhist morals? I’m not sure what to call myself. Ah, well.


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