I was reading an old post of mine, “Chill Gamer”, and was amused and also mildly stunned that I wrote that post in 2015. I suppose it’s time for catch up, no?
I had thought initially, right after I wrote that post, that I wouldn’t see Gamer again. That it would be the same old routine of Tinder stories. Meet up with the guy, make empty promises of meeting up again, never make those plans, forget about each other. But surprisingly, here I am today – seeing Gamer three times a week religiously since 2015.
We’re not in a relationship, and over the course of the two years we’ve hung out, he has made it clear that he still isn’t looking for a relationship. I was initially bummed out because, as you can imagine happens to these sorts of situations, I had started to get feelings for him. However, things are back to normal now though (have things ever been normal to begin with though?).
The beginning of our “relationship” was pretty typical. We’d hang out, text when we were confirming plans, and… that was basically it. But over two years it has certainly progressed quite a bit. We still hang out often, whether we have sex or not, we text each other outside of our hangouts, go out for dinner or a movie occasionally, and we began to do gift-giving on holidays, and now even random gift-giving.
Well, the random gift-giving is mainly his side. He knows I like to play video games too so he’s often getting me games I’ve expressed interest in or he thinks I should try out. In general he’s spending a lot of money on me whenever he can and, as a broke college student, I’m grateful but also feel downright terrible. I can’t wait till when I get an actual job so I can start reciprocating on a more equal level, if not totally equal level. Gamer has stated before that even when I earn my own money, he’s still going to pay for shit.
We’ve become close in general too, having lots of inside jokes and being comfortable with each other. I’ve come to learn just how weird and goofy this mature, intelligent boy is. It’s wonderful because now.. we’re weird together! When I was with Magician and I sometimes would act silly, Magician would say “My baby’s weird.” But with Gamer, if I make a weird sound, Gamer will make a weird sound right back at me.
Gamer’s an astute son of a bitch too. He can tell almost instantly if something is wrong with me. One time, I was feeling off because of a panic attack I just had and when I arrived at his place, he opened the door and immediately asked what was wrong. Over text he can also tell what’s wrong with me, and man he never stops pestering me about what’s wrong. He always hopes that he didn’t do anything to piss me off.
Speaking of which, we never fight. Instead, we just have conversations. Often times if something is bothering me, we have a civil talk about it and I explain why I’m upset at him. He’ll apologize for that, then explain his side of the story or explain why he’d want me to be more understanding about something. And then it’s just kind of back and forth conversation until we’re happy and all set. The civil talks really help too – a lot of the old issues I’ve had with him have never come up again because he makes sure he doesn’t do it again and I become more understanding about it.
Gamer always says I should just say it if I’m upset at him so that he knows, but it’s still hard for me to bring issues up. When I was with Magician, anytime I’d bring something up, he’d never try to fix it. He’ll apologize and try to move on, and when I bugged him about how we can fix it, he would get mad and then say that we should break up. It’s affected me to the point where I can’t bring up my feelings because I have this irrational fear that the person I’m with will have a similar attitude. That they’ll get annoyed and think “this is bullshit, I’m here for a good time and you’re getting mad. I’m out.”
Gamer says he’d never react that way, and I know that! But man, I’m still getting used to NOT feeling that way. Sleeping with him is also the best. He got these fuzzy blankets and his room is always a nice warm setting, but not too hot where we can’t cuddle. Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of anxiety and Gamer knows what I’m going through because he used to have depression and, with it, anxiety. Yesterday morning, I woke up at his place and mentioned how I was feeling anxious suddenly again, and Gamer went “aww, you’re okay, nugget” and pulled me back into bed and held me for a while. It really did help!
A lot of my friends joke we’re essentially in a relationship already, and I have to say it definitely feels like we are. But because it feels like one, I’m not feeling any sort of urgency to figure out what we are. I’m happier hanging out with Gamer like this than I have been with previous boyfriends!
All in all, Gamer’s a great, balanced person. He’s a mix of maturity and goofiness, and a mix of being caring but also not taking bullshit. If I think too much about us, I do get confused because everything seems very relationship-y like, but he verbally says he’s not romantically interested in me. From time to time, too, he’ll ask me questions which take me by surprise because he never ever asks me anything (mainly because I tell him everything about me). And so far, the questions he’s asked me have been if I’d ever move to California (his home state), and what my goals were for the future. Hearing him ask me those questions, of all things, make me wonder what he’s thinking. Like if he’s considering, even for a second, a future with me. BUT, of course, I try not to think too much about it in case I’m just getting my hopes up blindly.
For now, we shall see where things go.
Currently, Gamer is having a very busy time at work so our usual Tuesday-Thursday-Saturday hangouts are just Thursday-Saturday. I’m actually eating some truffle chocolates he bought me for Valentine’s day. He said he was hoping to get me a dinosaur or dog stuffed animal but he couldn’t find any good ones so he instead just got me three boxes of chocolates, ha. It’s going to take me ages to finish them because I’m not the biggest chocolate eater.
Oh, also, Magician got engaged to his girlfriend of a year LOL I still dislike him but I’m happy he found someone who’s in the same entertainment field as he is. More compatible and probably a girl more to his liking. But yeah, I still dislike him.