A Potential End to Gamer and Me

It’s been a while with Gamer, just cruising in a routine for the past three years. I had these profound feelings for him for a while, but it’s been dying out now in the past few months. As you guys may have known from my previous posts about Gamer, I’ve always been a bit confused on his feelings toward me. He verbally has told me that he has no feelings for me, but continues to do boyfriend-like things. My close friend, Miso, brought up this revelation though that started to change my consistent feelings toward him.

Sometime back in September, Miso said that perhaps Gamer does have feelings for me, but he doesn’t see me in his future as a wife which is why he may not be trying to make it official with me – not to mention what he told me before on how his previous breakup felt like a divorce so he decided he never wanted to go through that again unless he knows for sure he’s going to get married.

Miso apologized for saying that because it made me SO sad to think about, the realization on the reality that there probably is no fairy-tale ending for me and Gamer. I turned 24 years old last week, and perhaps you guys think that I’m rushing into this, but I’m already thinking about finding my future husband. I mean, I’m not actively hunting for a future hubby, but I also don’t want to waste my time with a guy who does not see me in his long-term future. Because of that, my feelings started dying out and I think it’s because I was starting to see and think things more realistically.

So I decided that in two years time, I will end it with Gamer. Well, give him an ultimatum of some sort. It’s been about a year since we last talked about feelings in our “relationship”, so I may bring it up with him again. I’ll ask him and double check that he does indeed not see me romantically and that he doesn’t want a future with me. If he confirms that, I’m going to end it.

In recent weeks though, Miso and my other friend have convinced me that I should end it now. That I’m wasting my time and I did so much for Gamer in the past three years but I deserve to have someone who will love me and cherish me romantically. They acknowledged that Gamer is not a bad person; he’s a good guy. But he’s clearly not going to settle down with me, so I should find someone who will reciprocate my feelings and give me the possibility of a future together.

Gamer is about to fly out back home to California for his annual Christmas holiday vacation. He’ll be gone for three weeks, and I’m going to take the time to prepare myself for cutting things off with him.

I know we didn’t have a romantic relationship, but it still kind of hurts to think about it. It hurts because he’s such a nice guy, and he absolutely cares about me as a person and friend – I wouldn’t care as much about ending it if he was a total douche to me. It probably won’t affect him as much as it will to me (if it will affect him at all, that is), so at least I won’t have to worry about hurting him. I guess I’m just kinda scared to do it for my own emotional well-being. I’m so emotional and sensitive, and I’ve been consistently hanging out with Gamer for three years now so this is no doubt going to impact me when it happens.

And I know I said my feelings for Gamer have been going away, but they’re not completely gone just yet. I’d say that my feelings for him have been… around 30% these days. I don’t feel the urge to text him a lot anymore, nor does anything he does or doesn’t do bother me at all, and I even think that ending it is the right thing to do (compared to before when I liked him so much I kept finding excuses to hang out with him still), but the thought of ending it still saddens me quite a bit. I know that we probably will just remain friends, but it obviously won’t be the same. No more sleepovers, cuddles, casual physical touches… Ah, I’m getting sad again.

I guess I’ll see how these three weeks with him gone will go and see if I’ll be able to prepare myself for the end. I think I’ll know I’m ready for it when I’m able to think about ending it and not tear up like I am now. We’re getting Christmas presents for each other, and I think I have one in mind. If I can save up enough money, I’m definitely going to get a really nice one as a good-bye kind of thing. I don’t want him to think I just waited for my Christmas present before bolting on him, ha.

Sorry to get really sappy and young-love-and-heartbreak on you guys. The ending to things is never a good time, and to add on top of that I’m incredibly emotional and this thing between us have been going on for 3 years now.


The Ripple Effect

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the ripple effect – how one small action you take, or don’t take, subsequently leads to other events in your life. That’s basically what life is about, isn’t it? A series of actions/inactions leading up to a bigger picture. And to me, it’s crazy how one mundane, meaningless, random action you might take can lead to something monumental later on in life.

Take my cousin as an example. She graduated from Cornell and then spent several months looking for a job. One night, she went out to a bar with her friends to de-stress, and, at some point, she made the decision to step outside for a cigarette break. While she was smoking, another man asked her for a lighter or something (the details are a bit hazy), and they ended up talking. Eventually, he asked her what she does and she informed him she was looking for a job. Normally, strangers would just say “oh, best of luck with that” and offer advice before moving on. But, nah. He gave her his email and told her to send him her resume, which she promptly did. Turns out he was working at the United Nations, and now, almost 15 years later, my cousin travels all over the world for her job at the UN.

What if she hadn’t made that small decision to go outside for a smoke break? She wouldn’t have ever met this man, and I can’t even imagine what her life would be like right now. Maybe she wouldn’t have traveled as much and thus would’ve had an easier time finding a good husband for herself. Maybe she’d spend more time at home and keep my aunt company (not that she’s lonely or anything)?

As for myself, I applied to several high schools in 8th grade. My teachers said not to bother applying to Milton Academy – not because they didn’t believe in me, but because my middle school was small and no one had even thought about applying to Milton before. When my mom and I were filling out my applications, I suddenly blurted out “Let’s just do it anyway. Who knows.” To everyone’s surprise, I got in with a big scholarship. And because Milton focused heavily on English and grammar, I further developed a love for writing and editing which subsequently led to me now desiring to be a copyeditor.

If I hadn’t whimsically suggested applying anyway, where would I have gone for high school instead? What sort of long term friends would I have now? What career path would I have wanted to take? Would I be a different person too? Maybe I would have continued pursuing paleontology as a career in some way or fallen in love with a whole other career choice. Maybe my epilepsy would have remained dormant for a few more years and not been triggered by high workload stress during sophomore year of high school.

I’ve spent nearly all my life in school now with years of the same routine and constantly going with the motions. Now that I’m looking for jobs, life seems so open ended for me and it honestly freaks me out a bit knowing that I will unknowingly make or not make an action that’s going to snowball (in a positive way) and shape the rest of my life. And I won’t ever know what that beginning snowball action/inaction will be until years later when I look back. I know there isn’t one best road for me since each possible road will have its own ups and downs. But it still worries me that I may unknowingly choose a road that won’t be optimal for my tastes and preferences.

I also know that I have no control over this sort of thing, but that’s exactly what makes it even scarier. As I’ve mentioned so many times, I’m a planner. I naturally need and want to know what’s going to happen for preparation’s sake, so I admit that not knowing is a bit scary. I suppose that’s something I need to work on mentally and emotionally: accepting the unknown.

And I also suppose that at this point, people can interject with ideas of fate – that the choices you make and roads you travel are or aren’t meant to be. Given that I’m worried as hell right now about this kind of stuff, I think it’s safe to say I’m not the biggest believer in fate.

When I discussed it with my mom, she, being a Tibetan Buddhist, talked about karma/luck (the Tibetan word she used is kind of a mix of karma and luck) and said that there are so many people who will work hard and do every right thing for themselves, and they’ll still end up somewhere they didn’t expect, be it for the better or worse. And then there are people who maybe don’t try AS hard, but are always in the right place at the right time. So you can try your best in life, but in the end karma/luck will have a role to play and there’s not much you can do about it.

It made me feel a LITTLE better. But right now this idea is all I can think about still. I’m not freaking out about it too much, but it’s definitely a concept that’s just been lingering in the back of my head. One day, I’ll look back on this post and think about where I am at the moment. Will I be happy with the choices I’ve made?

A New Family Member??

Back in April, my mom promised me that we could get another dog if I managed to get a good paying job within 3 months of my graduation. It was pretty generous of her and at the time I was feeling quite confident and thrilled. I did manage to get a job within those three months, and now here I am a few months later – dogless.

Truth be told, I forgot about that promise myself after getting swept up in my job. But now I have remembered and am about to bring it up with my mom. Not only that, but I’ve found the potentially perfect dog too.

My dad and I have been discussing on the side what sort of dog we’d want to adopt, and we came up with these main qualities: small, can’t shed (a lot), mellow like our current boy, low energy, and obviously has to get along with our dog.

Yesterday morning, one of my dad’s friends, who is an electrician (let’s call him Electrician Man), swung by the house to fix a few things for us. Toward the end Electrician Man mentioned that he sadly has to give away his dog because he and his son have no time for her and it feels as though she’s around just to be fed. They’re both incredibly busy in their daily lives and he feels terrible because their dog is alone all day almost 12 hours. It’s come to a point where even Electrician Man’s son admitted that giving her away is the right thing to do.

Then Electrician Man told us more about his dog. She’s a miniature pinscher who is smaller than our dog, doesn’t shed a lot, gets along fine with other dogs, a level 5 clinger, doesn’t bark, and is incredibly mellow and laid back.

Is this fate or what?

My dad asked him if anyone has shown interest in her yet and Electrician Man said he hasn’t offered her to anyone yet. He was thinking of taking her to MSPCA to see what they can do, but one of his main concerns was that she might possibly go to a home that doesn’t give her the love and attention she needs, God forbid a borderline abusive place.

Electrician Man said that if the boss (my mom, ha) agrees to potentially taking his dog in, he’ll bring her to our house for a trial basis of some sort and let her stay for a week and see how she does with us.

My dad and I did indeed talk to the boss this morning and she was resistant at first (despite the promise she made me, pfft), but said fine in the end on two conditions: the dog is not completely hairless because those dogs freak her out a bit, and she gets along with our dog.

I think this would be great. She’s actually the type of dog we’ve been searching for, Electrician Man knows us and knows she’ll be well taken care of, and on the plus side he can come visit her anytime he’d like!

I am a bit worried about how the two dogs will get along, especially because my dog has had a history of not getting along with some dogs in the past. Looking back though, I think that they were all situational. The dogs he didn’t get along with (he stayed far away from, snapped and barked at them) were all dogs that were larger than him and rough housed too much or got all up in his business so I think he acted out of intimidation or feeling overwhelmed. He never had an issue with dogs smaller than him that might get all up in his face. This potentially new dog, she, according to Electrician Man, is mellow/low energy and has the mentality of “if the other dogs don’t bother me, I’m cool with them.” Which essentially is my own dog as well so I don’t see any logical reason as to why they won’t get along.

Plus… I don’t know if I personally believe in destiny, but it sure as heck seems like the universe is working in my favor right now.

So surely the universe will work in my favor once more and the two dogs will get along just swell!

On a side note, there’s a superstition in Tibetan culture that states if you see a crow from your window, it means a gift of some kind will come your way. I’m generally not superstitious, but it certainly came true for me in past events (or call it mere coincidence, your choice heh) so I’m going to go ahead and believe in the few crows I’ve been seeing from my bedroom window in the mornings last week ;)

My Love Languages

Have any of you found out what your love languages are? If you don’t know what they are, basically it’s stated that every person has a particular way of expressing their love to someone and understanding them is very important. Many people in relationships can sometimes feel like their partner doesn’t love them, but it’s mainly because both parties express love in a different way and either side isn’t clearly seeing it.

The five languages are (in no particular order):  words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts. Miso, my close friend, expresses love through quality time mainly (followed by others I’m not sure in what order) and she once told me she wasn’t sure if her boyfriend loved her – or rather, he doesn’t show it. We talked about the five languages and she realized that he does express it but not via quality time, through gifts and actions. He spends so much money (almost carelessly) for her and on her. One time they were facetiming and Miso said she missed him. The next day he booked a flight to see her for the weekend (they’re lowkey long distance).

You can take a test to see in what order your love languages are. Mine are: Acts of service (9), words of affirmation (9), receiving gifts (7), quality time (4), and physical touch (1).

I think this is very accurate. And as you can see, acts of service and words of affirmation are tied in first place. I find opening up to be a special thing, so I take it seriously and find it meaningful when someone tells me something remotely deep on how they feel about me. BUT, acts of service definitely go hand in hand with words of affirmation (which probably is why they’re both tied). If someone just keeps saying stuff without SHOWING me through actions, I’ll slowly believe them less and less.

Gifting is also very important to me. Not just receiving gifts, but giving. In my opinion, I sort of correlate it with acts of service. I love making mental notes on what my loved ones said they wanted/needed and then getting it for them later. It’s certainly my way of showing others that I was listening and that I care enough to get it for them no matter the price (well, to an extent. I ain’t no millionaire, ha). It goes the other way too. If I receive a gift – personal or not – I’ll be touched and think they really thought about it or that they at least thought of me and cared enough to give it to me.

Quality time was second to last, which I was actually a little surprised about because I thought it would have been higher up. But thinking about it, I think it makes sense. For me, I don’t care what I do with someone just as long as we’re together and having fun. For almost three years now, I’ve just been hanging out at Gamer’s place and watching him game or watching a netflix movie with him. We don’t really change it up at all except a few movies or dinners here and there. And I’m totally content with it, I haven’t ever really wished we’d stop this routine. So quality time has never exactly mattered.

That being said, there is a limit to it though. Remember that fortnite fiasco? For almost a month and a half, Gamer was so obsessed with it that every time I came over we hardly spent time together and he’d just be absorbed with playing fortnite with his friends. And I think that’s where it matters. I don’t care what we do, as long as we spend some time TOGETHER. When Gamer was in the deep end with fortnite, we’d be doing our own thing for hours on end and it felt like such a fucking waste of time that I came all the way to his place just to do something I could have done back home.

Physical touch was dead last with just one point in it hahah. It’s funny because I’m definitely very touchy. I like clinging on to someone and being close in a physical manner. But I think maybe BECAUSE I do it so much, it means I don’t really care at all about physical touch. Like someone who finds physical touch meaningful might do it more cautiously and to certain people only. But I couldn’t care less about it so I’m just displaying my physical affection shamelessly. Trust me, I cling on to Gamer a LOT like some deprived cat without thinking about it.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I think holding hands and kissing each other are super cute and my heart would definitely flutter if it happened to me. But I think it’s just because it’s romantic, not because I find it super meaningful or anything.

Of course, these are the ways I show and interpret love, but it won’t always go both ways with someone. I might find it very special that someone got me a dinosaur book because they remembered I love paleontology, but maybe to them it’s not a big deal at all and they did it just because.

It’s important to understand these languages of love and understanding other people’s love languages too. You might express your love to the fullest through gifts or acts of service, but your partner probably will still think you don’t love them because you’re not giving any physical touch, which they find the most meaningful.

Memories of a Marshmallow

I sometimes have random dreams about an ex. Not Magician – fuck him. An ex from before my time with Magician. Let’s call this guy… Marshmallow, for, as usual, reasons. I’ve never mentioned Marshmallow before on my blog, because he’s a long forgotten memory now and has no part in my life. WHICH makes these random dreams even weirder considering the fact I don’t even think about him anymore. And yet, at least every few months (sometimes longer periods), I have one dream about him. Last week, I had another dream about him after a year so I thought I’d write about Marshmallow before I forget for another couple months.

Title: The Marshmallow Tale

It was my freshman year in high school, and I noticed a boy walking across campus. He was, to me, insanely cute and for some reason I really liked the way he walked. Kind of casual but sultry. I don’t even know how to describe it. I was just very attracted to him.

After a little digging (okay, major stalking), I found out his name was Marshmallow and he was a grade above me. So because he wasn’t in my grade, chances of him having classes with me was like next to 0%. Not to mention we had no mutual friends over the years so having the opportunity to mingle was even more so a far-off dream. My high school was relatively small though (since I went to a private school) with a little under 500 students? It seems like a lot but trust me, you quickly know every single face there. So thus, I saw him every now and then around campus.

And just like that: three years went by of me just admiring from afar. He was my little eye-candy. I had other crushes and a boyfriend in the meantime, but he was always there in the background.

My junior year was when the magic happened though. I was leaving Biology class with a dear friend of mine (we still hang out!) and I noticed Marshmallow was behind us, also leaving the science building. I whispered to her that he was behind us, and she whispered back “You should ask him out to boat dance.” I freaked out at the idea, but alas, it was a fucking fantastic idea. It was then I realized, Holy shit. I gotta make a move because it’s already April and he’s graduating and leaving forever in about two months.

It took me a LOT of fucking courage but I managed to do it in the school dining hall a few days later. I saw him come in while I was with another friend and I panicked but I knew it was time. I walked up to him, hyperventilating like a motherfucker, and said hi. He did the biggest triple take because.. well… I was a stranger essentially. Literally looked at me and behind him three times to make sure I wasn’t talking to someone else. It was actually pretty comical.

I introduced myself and said that I think Nerd (my friend and someone from Marshmallow’s dorm) mentioned to him that I wanted to befriend Marshmallow. (Nerd said that he passed along the message a few weeks prior). There was a brief second of a pause, then Marshmallow smiled with an “Oh that’s right. Nice to meet you, my name is Marshmallow.” I smiled back politely but inside me a volcano was erupting hot lava of emotions.

We talked for a bit before I asked him to boat dance, and he said yes! Good thing too or else I would have had a heart attack from deep, deep shame. During that whole conversation, my legs were shaking like a newborn deer’s legs.

It seems that the universe was rewarding me for taking the first big step because Marshmallow then went on to make the first moves on everything else. A few days later, I bumped into him in the hallways and we chatted for a bit. Then he said “Hey, what’s your number? Just so—” and I didn’t hear the rest of that sentence. As soon as he asked me for my number, I zoned out in disbelief and legitimately didn’t hear what he said after that. And a few nights later, I was in bed with my roommate studying at her desk. I checked my facebook to see I had a friend request – from Marshmallow. I screamed and my roommate nearly fell out of her chair from shock.

My reactions may seem absurd but guyssss. I had my eye on Marshmallow for 3 years and now finally my far off dream of being with him was slowly coming true! Those last two months of high school was just a modern day fairytale for me.

Boat dance went amazingly well, and Marshmallow later told me that he started to like me when we were slow dancing and he liked the smell of my hair. I was like “… what.” Even Gamer, today, seems to like the smell of my hair. Every now and then he’ll just take my hair in his hand and sniff it, or he’ll sleep with his face buried in my hair. I guess guys like the way a girl’s freshly washed hair smells?

After Boat Dance, we continued to hang out regularly at school and one day at the library he kept nagging me, asking me how I noticed him or why I wanted to be his friend. It was embarrassing to say, but eventually I told him how I had noticed him for a few years now. And Marshmallow hit me with “The reason why I’m asking you is because I… like you.” I just continued smiling here like an idiot because in my mind I genuinely thought Oh, well yeah, he likes me as a friend. Duh. Then he continued with, “But if you don’t feel the same way and just want to be friends, I totally understand.” Wait, hold up. This whole time, I was happy just being friends with him and thought that’s the farthest it was going to get. But now my eye-candy crush of three years liked me back AND asked me out??

Marshmallow was such a sweet dork. Besides Gamer, he was the only one whose weirdness was completely compatible with mine; We had a lot of fun together with such an innocent, child-like relationship. And he looked ridiculously good in button down shirts like my goodness. Our relationship lasted only three months though (we didn’t get to know each other well enough to maintain a long distance relationship after he left), so sometimes I wonder if we would have always stayed that happy and compatible or if that was merely the honeymoon stage for us.

I won’t lie, I felt very heartbroken when he ended things (in a respectful manner) but I had already realized that we weren’t managing this long distance relationship well either so I knew it had to end. Despite heavy sadness I felt, I didn’t have any regrets as I had truly lived the quote “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take” and I couldn’t be happier about that.

That was six years ago. Since then I’ve moved on and never thought about him at all, but the feeling of fondness for him and our time together never went away. Perhaps that feeling is deeply and heavily rooted in my subconscious for me to have a dream about him pop up every now and then?

I honestly never think about him anymore so it surprises me to no end when suddenly I dream about him. Then, because of that, I end up reminiscing for the following two or three days. But ironically, I never have another dream about him until many months later when I’ve forgotten about him again. A steady cycle over the last 6 years.

I believe that I don’t have feelings for him anymore, but he is someone I will always remember and will always cherish for making my high school self’s dream come true. That June summer we spent together as a couple in high school before he graduated will always be one of my favorite times in life. A perfect end to a high school fairy tale.

Ah, Marshmallow. You big dork. I hope you’re doing well.