Memories of a Marshmallow

I sometimes have random dreams about an ex. Not Magician – fuck him. An ex from before my time with Magician. Let’s call this guy… Marshmallow, for, as usual, reasons. I’ve never mentioned Marshmallow before on my blog, because he’s a long forgotten memory now and has no part in my life. WHICH makes these random dreams even weirder considering the fact I don’t even think about him anymore. And yet, at least every few months (sometimes longer periods), I have one dream about him. Last week, I had another dream about him after a year so I thought I’d write about Marshmallow before I forget for another couple months.

Title: The Marshmallow Tale

It was my freshman year in high school, and I noticed a boy walking across campus. He was, to me, insanely cute and for some reason I really liked the way he walked. Kind of casual but sultry. I don’t even know how to describe it. I was just very attracted to him.

After a little digging (okay, major stalking), I found out his name was Marshmallow and he was a grade above me. So because he wasn’t in my grade, chances of him having classes with me was like next to 0%. Not to mention we had no mutual friends over the years so having the opportunity to mingle was even more so a far-off dream. My high school was relatively small though (since I went to a private school) with a little under 500 students? It seems like a lot but trust me, you quickly know every single face there. So thus, I saw him every now and then around campus.

And just like that: three years went by of me just admiring from afar. He was my little eye-candy. I had other crushes and a boyfriend in the meantime, but he was always there in the background.

My junior year was when the magic happened though. I was leaving Biology class with a dear friend of mine (we still hang out!) and I noticed Marshmallow was behind us, also leaving the science building. I whispered to her that he was behind us, and she whispered back “You should ask him out to boat dance.” I freaked out at the idea, but alas, it was a fucking fantastic idea. It was then I realized, Holy shit. I gotta make a move because it’s already April and he’s graduating and leaving forever in about two months.

It took me a LOT of fucking courage but I managed to do it in the school dining hall a few days later. I saw him come in while I was with another friend and I panicked but I knew it was time. I walked up to him, hyperventilating like a motherfucker, and said hi. He did the biggest triple take because.. well… I was a stranger essentially. Literally looked at me and behind him three times to make sure I wasn’t talking to someone else. It was actually pretty comical.

I introduced myself and said that I think Nerd (my friend and someone from Marshmallow’s dorm) mentioned to him that I wanted to befriend Marshmallow. (Nerd said that he passed along the message a few weeks prior). There was a brief second of a pause, then Marshmallow smiled with an “Oh that’s right. Nice to meet you, my name is Marshmallow.” I smiled back politely but inside me a volcano was erupting hot lava of emotions.

We talked for a bit before I asked him to boat dance, and he said yes! Good thing too or else I would have had a heart attack from deep, deep shame. During that whole conversation, my legs were shaking like a newborn deer’s legs.

It seems that the universe was rewarding me for taking the first big step because Marshmallow then went on to make the first moves on everything else. A few days later, I bumped into him in the hallways and we chatted for a bit. Then he said “Hey, what’s your number? Just so—” and I didn’t hear the rest of that sentence. As soon as he asked me for my number, I zoned out in disbelief and legitimately didn’t hear what he said after that. And a few nights later, I was in bed with my roommate studying at her desk. I checked my facebook to see I had a friend request – from Marshmallow. I screamed and my roommate nearly fell out of her chair from shock.

My reactions may seem absurd but guyssss. I had my eye on Marshmallow for 3 years and now finally my far off dream of being with him was slowly coming true! Those last two months of high school was just a modern day fairytale for me.

Boat dance went amazingly well, and Marshmallow later told me that he started to like me when we were slow dancing and he liked the smell of my hair. I was like “… what.” Even Gamer, today, seems to like the smell of my hair. Every now and then he’ll just take my hair in his hand and sniff it, or he’ll sleep with his face buried in my hair. I guess guys like the way a girl’s freshly washed hair smells?

After Boat Dance, we continued to hang out regularly at school and one day at the library he kept nagging me, asking me how I noticed him or why I wanted to be his friend. It was embarrassing to say, but eventually I told him how I had noticed him for a few years now. And Marshmallow hit me with “The reason why I’m asking you is because I… like you.” I just continued smiling here like an idiot because in my mind I genuinely thought Oh, well yeah, he likes me as a friend. Duh. Then he continued with, “But if you don’t feel the same way and just want to be friends, I totally understand.” Wait, hold up.¬†This whole time, I was happy just being friends with him and thought that’s the farthest it was going to get. But now my eye-candy crush of three years liked me back AND asked me out??

Marshmallow was such a sweet dork. Besides Gamer, he was the only one whose weirdness was completely compatible with mine; We had a lot of fun together with such an innocent, child-like relationship. And he looked ridiculously good in button down shirts like my goodness. Our relationship lasted only three months though (we didn’t get to know each other well enough to maintain a long distance relationship after he left), so sometimes I wonder if we would have always stayed that happy and compatible or if that was merely the honeymoon stage for us.

I won’t lie, I felt very heartbroken when he ended things (in a respectful manner) but I had already realized that we weren’t managing this long distance relationship well either so I knew it had to end. Despite heavy sadness I felt, I didn’t have any regrets as I had truly lived the quote “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take” and I couldn’t be happier about that.

That was six years ago. Since then I’ve moved on and never thought about him at all, but the feeling of fondness for him and our time together never went away. Perhaps that feeling is deeply and heavily rooted in my subconscious for me to have a dream about him pop up every now and then?

I honestly never think about him anymore so it surprises me to no end when suddenly I dream about him. Then, because of that, I end up reminiscing for the following two or three days. But ironically, I never have another dream about him until many months later when I’ve forgotten about him again. A steady cycle over the last 6 years.

I believe that I don’t have feelings for him anymore, but he is someone I will always remember and will always cherish for making my high school self’s dream come true. That June summer we spent together as a couple in high school before he graduated will always be one of my favorite times in life. A perfect end to a high school fairy tale.

Ah, Marshmallow. You big dork. I hope you’re doing well.

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It’s the Little Things

I think everyone can agree that when it comes to relationships, the best thing you can see from your partner is effort. Doesn’t matter if they successfully cook your favorite dinner or plan a perfect date – as long as they tried and put effort into it.

Gamer tries his best with me and I’m always so grateful for it. He’s not even my boyfriend and he tries harder than the boyfriends of my past. I wanted to write this post because he’s currently doing it again.

Gamer, as my name for him suggests, loves to play video games. And I enjoy watching him play! But sometimes he gets carried away and plays with his friends online while I’m there. It generally doesn’t bother me, but it DOES bother me when he plays with his friends for hours while I’m there and we don’t hang out with each other. I mean, then it feels pointless. Why did I come over to your place if all you were gonna do is play with your friends and I’m just on my laptop? I could have done that at home by myself.

A few months ago, it got very bad. A friend got Gamer involved with Fortnite and for a month and a half straight, Gamer would play Fortnite with his friends for hours on end while I’m there without spending some time with me at ALL. It came to a point where I now have a negative association with that game. Ugh. I get annoyed just seeing the name Fortnite.

So anyway, after a month and a half of it, I finally snapped and I calmly and fully explained to him how I felt about it all. He admitted it was very neglectful of him to do so and he genuinely apologized. Since then, he’s tried to not play video games with his friends.

Fast forward to today: we spent a lot of time together earlier so when he mentioned possibly playing video games with his two friends, I really didn’t mind at all. Well, actually, he said he would but wouldn’t use the mic to talk to them and that he’ll fully play with his friends after I go to bed. But I know that that’s obviously less fun for him and his friends if they can’t all communicate together whilst playing.¬†Besides, after all the hanging out, my introvert self didn’t mind just chilling by myself on the bed for a while. He was so adamant about not playing with his friends, however, that I had to persuade him that I was genuinely okay with it and wasn’t being passive aggressive or anything.

I suggested that we watch a movie later though and eat dinner, and he was totally down for it. We agreed that two hours later, he’ll take a break from gaming. And while I’m on the bed right now, I can see him leaning over to his second monitor every now and then to check the time and make sure he hasn’t gone past the two hour point.

I’m very touched that he follows up on his word and that he tries his best to make me happy too, despite me not being his girlfriend. Not to mention that Gamer tends to get very absorbed into games (to the point he forgets to eat and doesn’t realize what time it is) so the fact that he’s consciously making an effort to keep an eye on the time is even more heart-warming. And I think this is the type of stuff we should see from relationships – be it lovers, friends, or family!

Have a wonderful night everyone, and remember to love yourself first.

New Blog?

Hey everyone,

I want to thank everyone who’s been following me so far! It sounds like I’m quitting the blog life (which would be believable seeing as how I hardly post), but I’m not. I just wanted to thank you all for following my boring life and thoughts so far. I also wanted to let you know that I created a new blog separate from this where I can post my creative writing!

It feels a bit messy to keep my blog lifestyle-themed whilst also creative writing-themed. If any of you are interested, my creative writing blog is called The Brooding Owl. I’m planning on having my creative pieces be short, short stories and also just random creative bits that come to me. Some of them may also be based on my life too!

I’ll see where it goes, but as of now I’m pretty happy with the blog I have created. Thank you all again and I’ll do my best to keep up with Life’s Weirdest Dreams!

 

Best.

Hyper Realistic Dreams

Does anyone else have hyper-realistic dreams? I’m not sure if hyper-realistic would apply here, but it comes to mind when I think of my dreams. Half the time, my dreams are normal. Just dreams that feel like dreams. They’re a bit distant and don’t seem very life-like. But the other half of the time, I have dreams that are INCREDIBLY realistic. So real that I believe it happened and waking up feels like a dream itself – like my dreams were real and waking up is what makes me doubt what’s happening. Those types of dreams are… very cemented. They don’t feel foggy or distant like dreams would, they feel solid and cemented into my mind so that it seems like reality.

So my emotions in those types of dreams feel very realistic as well and waking up often leads me to being flustered as soon as I’m awakened and it takes me a full minute (or even two minutes) to comprehend what’s actually happening. If I ever have emotional dreams, those emotions will also carry over from dream to reality and I wake up with those emotions. Which sucks because then it takes me a few moments to calm down. There have been several occasions where I’ve woken up mid-crying.

On one hand it’s kinda shitty because most of my hyper-realistic dreams are fears that I have (not even big fears, just insecurities and worries). But on the flip side, they make to be super awesome experiences for me to experience and look back on.

Another type of dream I have often is inception-style. I’ll have a dream, then wake up from it, think to myself “huh what a weird dream,” then ACTUALLY wake up. And it’s not even wacky inception dreams, they’re more realistic dreams. If I’m sleeping at home, my “fake-wake up” is in my own bed so it’s very realistic. My dream’s dream might be a bit wonky, but when I fake-wake up, it’s in my bed so it seems real.

These types of dreams have happened at Gamer’s house too, and when I have inception-styled dreams at his place, my “fake-wake up” is in his own bed and room. One time, I fell asleep at his place earlier than him, and he spent the night programming on his PC. My dream that night was me “waking up” in the middle of the night and seeing him programming and we had a conversation (I know it was a dream and I wasn’t sleep talking or something because in my dream he was wearing a random suit). Then I fake-woke up in the exact same bed and position and Gamer was still at his computer but wearing normal clothes and I was all like “I had this weird dream.” THEN I REALLY WOKE UP AND AT THAT POINT I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS REAL. I have no idea how or why my dreams are like this but I guess I’m not complaining. It’s quite cool! Unless I have an emotional dream and I wake up upset and crying ha.

I think part of what makes those dreams seem realistic is that my dreams often refer to bits and pieces of my life. For example, the other day I was thinking to myself how I wish I had some Indian snacks at home that I hadn’t had in a very long time. And that night, I dreamt that I was in the kitchen opening cupboards and found a pack of those snacks. Upon discovering those, I thought to myself “oh my god! I was just thinking that I didn’t have these at home, but I guess we did!”

I had another very realistic dream today (one that involved some insecurities and tears) so I felt like sharing and talking about it. Does anyone else have dreams like these often?

Universal Workings

Gamer is only a friends with benefits, I suppose you can say. But no doubt, I do have things that irk me as a girl and I complain about them to a close girl friend of mine, let’s call her Miso (like Miso Soup, based on an inside nickname between us). I’ve known her since before high school.

Miso and I met on revisit day for our highschool, and coincidentally we ended up in the same dorm as well. We became close friends and even now, 8 years later we stay in regular contact via text messages or face time. She and I are alike in personality and sensitivity levels so it’s always nice to confide in each other because we know the other party will understand where we come from but won’t be overcome with emotion at the time to give rational advice.

The only issue is that since high school ended, we’ve only seen each other twice or so. She’s currently all the way on the other side of the coast in San Francisco working and living by herself. And despite us having identical personalities, we differ in terms of our outgoing levels. I’m a textbook introvert and she’s a textbook extrovert.

Anyway, that’s background on her. So I often tell her things I’m annoyed or upset with regarding Gamer. The funny thing is that most often times not, as soon as I vent to her… the next time I see Gamer, everything is fixed.

The first time I noticed the coincidence, I had vented to Miso about how Gamer hardly texts me first and that I’m starting to feel like I’m annoying him because I’m always the one initiating conversations. Lo and behold, a day or two later, Gamer sends me a text saying hey and mentioning how it’s been so crazy at work lately he couldn’t catch a break.

It’s always been like that. And the other day, I talked to Miso about how for the past month and a half now, he’s been gaming with his friends online while I’m there at his place and that I’d like to at least spend a few hangouts just having it be one on one. We also talked about sex and I mentioned how sex with Gamer is nice – not thrilling, but nice. I’m more adventurous than he is and he’s even told me that he’s not incredibly enthusiastic about sex. I mean, he likes sex obviously but he’s not enthusiastic about being adventurous or anything.

And would you believe it. The next night (last night, actually), Gamer didn’t even chat with his friends set aside play games with them. It was just us two hanging out and having good laughs. And when we had sex, he was more adventurous (relative to his usual self) and catered more to what I liked.

Miso was convinced from earlier moments that it could be the universe working in terms of the law of attraction – me getting what I want. But at this point, we’ve just been joking about how Gamer probably has remote access to my phone haha. Personally, even if Gamer had remote access hypothetically speaking… I honestly am not offended by that thought. I don’t have anything on my phone that’s private or stuff I’m hiding from him or anyone else. It’s legit just photos of my dog and random screenshots. And, as Miso said, if by the 1% chance that it’s true, then at least Gamer is addressing my needs and shit haha.

Gamer also said the sweetest thing last night when I was with him. He was browsing through games he could buy for me or himself, and he suddenly said “I wish you had a PC so I could buy you all of these games.” It was so casual, so little, but so sweet of him.

It’s always the little things! I wanted to write this post mainly because I don’t want to forget the sweet thing he said, but I figured I might as well write about the odd coincidences that’s been happening too.