It’s the Little Things

I think everyone can agree that when it comes to relationships, the best thing you can see from your partner is effort. Doesn’t matter if they successfully cook your favorite dinner or plan a perfect date – as long as they tried and put effort into it.

Gamer tries his best with me and I’m always so grateful for it. He’s not even my boyfriend and he tries harder than the boyfriends of my past. I wanted to write this post because he’s currently doing it again.

Gamer, as my name for him suggests, loves to play video games. And I enjoy watching him play! But sometimes he gets carried away and plays with his friends online while I’m there. It generally doesn’t bother me, but it DOES bother me when he plays with his friends for hours while I’m there and we don’t hang out with each other. I mean, then it feels pointless. Why did I come over to your place if all you were gonna do is play with your friends and I’m just on my laptop? I could have done that at home by myself.

A few months ago, it got very bad. A friend got Gamer involved with Fortnite and for a month and a half straight, Gamer would play Fortnite with his friends for hours on end while I’m there without spending some time with me at ALL. It came to a point where I now have a negative association with that game. Ugh. I get annoyed just seeing the name Fortnite.

So anyway, after a month and a half of it, I finally snapped and I calmly and fully explained to him how I felt about it all. He admitted it was very neglectful of him to do so and he genuinely apologized. Since then, he’s tried to not play video games with his friends.

Fast forward to today: we spent a lot of time together earlier so when he mentioned possibly playing video games with his two friends, I really didn’t mind at all. Well, actually, he said he would but wouldn’t use the mic to talk to them and that he’ll fully play with his friends after I go to bed. But I know that that’s obviously less fun for him and his friends if they can’t all communicate together whilst playing.┬áBesides, after all the hanging out, my introvert self didn’t mind just chilling by myself on the bed for a while. He was so adamant about not playing with his friends, however, that I had to persuade him that I was genuinely okay with it and wasn’t being passive aggressive or anything.

I suggested that we watch a movie later though and eat dinner, and he was totally down for it. We agreed that two hours later, he’ll take a break from gaming. And while I’m on the bed right now, I can see him leaning over to his second monitor every now and then to check the time and make sure he hasn’t gone past the two hour point.

I’m very touched that he follows up on his word and that he tries his best to make me happy too, despite me not being his girlfriend. Not to mention that Gamer tends to get very absorbed into games (to the point he forgets to eat and doesn’t realize what time it is) so the fact that he’s consciously making an effort to keep an eye on the time is even more heart-warming. And I think this is the type of stuff we should see from relationships – be it lovers, friends, or family!

Have a wonderful night everyone, and remember to love yourself first.

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New Blog?

Hey everyone,

I want to thank everyone who’s been following me so far! It sounds like I’m quitting the blog life (which would be believable seeing as how I hardly post), but I’m not. I just wanted to thank you all for following my boring life and thoughts so far. I also wanted to let you know that I created a new blog separate from this where I can post my creative writing!

It feels a bit messy to keep my blog lifestyle-themed whilst also creative writing-themed. If any of you are interested, my creative writing blog is called The Brooding Owl. I’m planning on having my creative pieces be short, short stories and also just random creative bits that come to me. Some of them may also be based on my life too!

I’ll see where it goes, but as of now I’m pretty happy with the blog I have created. Thank you all again and I’ll do my best to keep up with Life’s Weirdest Dreams!

 

Best.

Hyper Realistic Dreams

Does anyone else have hyper-realistic dreams? I’m not sure if hyper-realistic would apply here, but it comes to mind when I think of my dreams. Half the time, my dreams are normal. Just dreams that feel like dreams. They’re a bit distant and don’t seem very life-like. But the other half of the time, I have dreams that are INCREDIBLY realistic. So real that I believe it happened and waking up feels like a dream itself – like my dreams were real and waking up is what makes me doubt what’s happening. Those types of dreams are… very cemented. They don’t feel foggy or distant like dreams would, they feel solid and cemented into my mind so that it seems like reality.

So my emotions in those types of dreams feel very realistic as well and waking up often leads me to being flustered as soon as I’m awakened and it takes me a full minute (or even two minutes) to comprehend what’s actually happening. If I ever have emotional dreams, those emotions will also carry over from dream to reality and I wake up with those emotions. Which sucks because then it takes me a few moments to calm down. There have been several occasions where I’ve woken up mid-crying.

On one hand it’s kinda shitty because most of my hyper-realistic dreams are fears that I have (not even big fears, just insecurities and worries). But on the flip side, they make to be super awesome experiences for me to experience and look back on.

Another type of dream I have often is inception-style. I’ll have a dream, then wake up from it, think to myself “huh what a weird dream,” then ACTUALLY wake up. And it’s not even wacky inception dreams, they’re more realistic dreams. If I’m sleeping at home, my “fake-wake up” is in my own bed so it’s very realistic. My dream’s dream might be a bit wonky, but when I fake-wake up, it’s in my bed so it seems real.

These types of dreams have happened at Gamer’s house too, and when I have inception-styled dreams at his place, my “fake-wake up” is in his own bed and room. One time, I fell asleep at his place earlier than him, and he spent the night programming on his PC. My dream that night was me “waking up” in the middle of the night and seeing him programming and we had a conversation (I know it was a dream and I wasn’t sleep talking or something because in my dream he was wearing a random suit). Then I fake-woke up in the exact same bed and position and Gamer was still at his computer but wearing normal clothes and I was all like “I had this weird dream.” THEN I REALLY WOKE UP AND AT THAT POINT I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS REAL. I have no idea how or why my dreams are like this but I guess I’m not complaining. It’s quite cool! Unless I have an emotional dream and I wake up upset and crying ha.

I think part of what makes those dreams seem realistic is that my dreams often refer to bits and pieces of my life. For example, the other day I was thinking to myself how I wish I had some Indian snacks at home that I hadn’t had in a very long time. And that night, I dreamt that I was in the kitchen opening cupboards and found a pack of those snacks. Upon discovering those, I thought to myself “oh my god! I was just thinking that I didn’t have these at home, but I guess we did!”

I had another very realistic dream today (one that involved some insecurities and tears) so I felt like sharing and talking about it. Does anyone else have dreams like these often?

Universal Workings

Gamer is only a friends with benefits, I suppose you can say. But no doubt, I do have things that irk me as a girl and I complain about them to a close girl friend of mine, let’s call her Miso (like Miso Soup, based on an inside nickname between us). I’ve known her since before high school.

Miso and I met on revisit day for our highschool, and coincidentally we ended up in the same dorm as well. We became close friends and even now, 8 years later we stay in regular contact via text messages or face time. She and I are alike in personality and sensitivity levels so it’s always nice to confide in each other because we know the other party will understand where we come from but won’t be overcome with emotion at the time to give rational advice.

The only issue is that since high school ended, we’ve only seen each other twice or so. She’s currently all the way on the other side of the coast in San Francisco working and living by herself. And despite us having identical personalities, we differ in terms of our outgoing levels. I’m a textbook introvert and she’s a textbook extrovert.

Anyway, that’s background on her. So I often tell her things I’m annoyed or upset with regarding Gamer. The funny thing is that most often times not, as soon as I vent to her… the next time I see Gamer, everything is fixed.

The first time I noticed the coincidence, I had vented to Miso about how Gamer hardly texts me first and that I’m starting to feel like I’m annoying him because I’m always the one initiating conversations. Lo and behold, a day or two later, Gamer sends me a text saying hey and mentioning how it’s been so crazy at work lately he couldn’t catch a break.

It’s always been like that. And the other day, I talked to Miso about how for the past month and a half now, he’s been gaming with his friends online while I’m there at his place and that I’d like to at least spend a few hangouts just having it be one on one. We also talked about sex and I mentioned how sex with Gamer is nice – not thrilling, but nice. I’m more adventurous than he is and he’s even told me that he’s not incredibly enthusiastic about sex. I mean, he likes sex obviously but he’s not enthusiastic about being adventurous or anything.

And would you believe it. The next night (last night, actually), Gamer didn’t even chat with his friends set aside play games with them. It was just us two hanging out and having good laughs. And when we had sex, he was more adventurous (relative to his usual self) and catered more to what I liked.

Miso was convinced from earlier moments that it could be the universe working in terms of the law of attraction – me getting what I want. But at this point, we’ve just been joking about how Gamer probably has remote access to my phone haha. Personally, even if Gamer had remote access hypothetically speaking… I honestly am not offended by that thought. I don’t have anything on my phone that’s private or stuff I’m hiding from him or anyone else. It’s legit just photos of my dog and random screenshots. And, as Miso said, if by the 1% chance that it’s true, then at least Gamer is addressing my needs and shit haha.

Gamer also said the sweetest thing last night when I was with him. He was browsing through games he could buy for me or himself, and he suddenly said “I wish you had a PC so I could buy you all of these games.” It was so casual, so little, but so sweet of him.

It’s always the little things! I wanted to write this post mainly because I don’t want to forget the sweet thing he said, but I figured I might as well write about the odd coincidences that’s been happening too.

Chill Gamer – Update

I was reading an old post of mine, “Chill Gamer”, and was amused and also mildly stunned that I wrote that post in 2015. I suppose it’s time for catch up, no?

I had thought initially, right after I wrote that post, that I wouldn’t see Gamer again. That it would be the same old routine of Tinder stories. Meet up with the guy, make empty promises of meeting up again, never make those plans, forget about each other. But surprisingly, here I am today – seeing Gamer three times a week religiously since 2015.

We’re not in a relationship, and over the course of the two years we’ve hung out, he has made it clear that he still isn’t looking for a relationship. I was initially bummed out because, as you can imagine happens to these sorts of situations, I had started to get feelings for him. However, things are back to normal now though (have things ever been normal to begin with though?).

The beginning of our “relationship” was pretty typical. We’d hang out, text when we were confirming plans, and… that was basically it. But over two years it has certainly progressed quite a bit. We still hang out often, whether we have sex or not, we text each other outside of our hangouts, go out for dinner or a movie occasionally, and we began to do gift-giving on holidays, and now even random gift-giving.

Well, the random gift-giving is mainly his side. He knows I like to play video games too so he’s often getting me games I’ve expressed interest in or he thinks I should try out. In general he’s spending a lot of money on me whenever he can and, as a broke college student, I’m grateful but also feel downright terrible. I can’t wait till when I get an actual job so I can start reciprocating on a more equal level, if not totally equal level. Gamer has stated before that even when I earn my own money, he’s still going to pay for shit.

We’ve become close in general too, having lots of inside jokes and being comfortable with each other. I’ve come to learn just how weird and goofy this mature, intelligent boy is. It’s wonderful because now.. we’re weird together! When I was with Magician and I sometimes would act silly, Magician would say “My baby’s weird.” But with Gamer, if I make a weird sound, Gamer will make a weird sound right back at me.

Gamer’s an astute son of a bitch too. He can tell almost instantly if something is wrong with me. One time, I was feeling off because of a panic attack I just had and when I arrived at his place, he opened the door and immediately asked what was wrong. Over text he can also tell what’s wrong with me, and man he never stops pestering me about what’s wrong. He always hopes that he didn’t do anything to piss me off.

Speaking of which, we never fight. Instead, we just have conversations. Often times if something is bothering me, we have a civil talk about it and I explain why I’m upset at him. He’ll apologize for that, then explain his side of the story or explain why he’d want me to be more understanding about something. And then it’s just kind of back and forth conversation until we’re happy and all set. The civil talks really help too – a lot of the old issues I’ve had with him have never come up again because he makes sure he doesn’t do it again and I become more understanding about it.

Gamer always says I should just say it if I’m upset at him so that he knows, but it’s still hard for me to bring issues up. When I was with Magician, anytime I’d bring something up, he’d never try to fix it. He’ll apologize and try to move on, and when I bugged him about how we can fix it, he would get mad and then say that we should break up. It’s affected me to the point where I can’t bring up my feelings because I have this irrational fear that the person I’m with will have a similar attitude. That they’ll get annoyed and think “this is bullshit, I’m here for a good time and you’re getting mad. I’m out.”

Gamer says he’d never react that way, and I know that! But man, I’m still getting used to NOT feeling that way. Sleeping with him is also the best. He got these fuzzy blankets and his room is always a nice warm setting, but not too hot where we can’t cuddle. Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of anxiety and Gamer knows what I’m going through because he used to have depression and, with it, anxiety. Yesterday morning, I woke up at his place and mentioned how I was feeling anxious suddenly again, and Gamer went “aww, you’re okay, nugget” and pulled me back into bed and held me for a while. It really did help!

A lot of my friends joke we’re essentially in a relationship already, and I have to say it definitely feels like we are. But because it feels like one, I’m not feeling any sort of urgency to figure out what we are. I’m happier hanging out with Gamer like this than I have been with previous boyfriends!

All in all, Gamer’s a great, balanced person. He’s a mix of maturity and goofiness, and a mix of being caring but also not taking bullshit. If I think too much about us, I do get confused because everything seems very relationship-y like, but he verbally says he’s not romantically interested in me. From time to time, too, he’ll ask me questions which take me by surprise because he never ever asks me anything (mainly because I tell him everything about me). And so far, the questions he’s asked me have been if I’d ever move to California (his home state), and what my goals were for the future. Hearing him ask me those questions, of all things, make me wonder what he’s thinking. Like if he’s considering, even for a second, a future with me. BUT, of course, I try not to think too much about it in case I’m just getting my hopes up blindly.

For now, we shall see where things go.

Currently, Gamer is having a very busy time at work so our usual Tuesday-Thursday-Saturday hangouts are just Thursday-Saturday. I’m actually eating some truffle chocolates he bought me for Valentine’s day. He said he was hoping to get me a dinosaur or dog stuffed animal but he couldn’t find any good ones so he instead just got me three boxes of chocolates, ha. It’s going to take me ages to finish them because I’m not the biggest chocolate eater.

Oh, also, Magician got engaged to his girlfriend of a year LOL I still dislike him but I’m happy he found someone who’s in the same entertainment field as he is. More compatible and probably a girl more to his liking. But yeah, I still dislike him.

Cheers!