It’s been a while with Gamer, just cruising in a routine for the past three years. I had these profound feelings for him for a while, but it’s been dying out now in the past few months. As you guys may have known from my previous posts about Gamer, I’ve always been a bit confused on his feelings toward me. He verbally has told me that he has no feelings for me, but continues to do boyfriend-like things. My close friend, Miso, brought up this revelation though that started to change my consistent feelings toward him.
Sometime back in September, Miso said that perhaps Gamer does have feelings for me, but he doesn’t see me in his future as a wife which is why he may not be trying to make it official with me – not to mention what he told me before on how his previous breakup felt like a divorce so he decided he never wanted to go through that again unless he knows for sure he’s going to get married.
Miso apologized for saying that because it made me SO sad to think about, the realization on the reality that there probably is no fairy-tale ending for me and Gamer. I turned 24 years old last week, and perhaps you guys think that I’m rushing into this, but I’m already thinking about finding my future husband. I mean, I’m not actively hunting for a future hubby, but I also don’t want to waste my time with a guy who does not see me in his long-term future. Because of that, my feelings started dying out and I think it’s because I was starting to see and think things more realistically.
So I decided that in two years time, I will end it with Gamer. Well, give him an ultimatum of some sort. It’s been about a year since we last talked about feelings in our “relationship”, so I may bring it up with him again. I’ll ask him and double check that he does indeed not see me romantically and that he doesn’t want a future with me. If he confirms that, I’m going to end it.
In recent weeks though, Miso and my other friend have convinced me that I should end it now. That I’m wasting my time and I did so much for Gamer in the past three years but I deserve to have someone who will love me and cherish me romantically. They acknowledged that Gamer is not a bad person; he’s a good guy. But he’s clearly not going to settle down with me, so I should find someone who will reciprocate my feelings and give me the possibility of a future together.
Gamer is about to fly out back home to California for his annual Christmas holiday vacation. He’ll be gone for three weeks, and I’m going to take the time to prepare myself for cutting things off with him.
I know we didn’t have a romantic relationship, but it still kind of hurts to think about it. It hurts because he’s such a nice guy, and he absolutely cares about me as a person and friend – I wouldn’t care as much about ending it if he was a total douche to me. It probably won’t affect him as much as it will to me (if it will affect him at all, that is), so at least I won’t have to worry about hurting him. I guess I’m just kinda scared to do it for my own emotional well-being. I’m so emotional and sensitive, and I’ve been consistently hanging out with Gamer for three years now so this is no doubt going to impact me when it happens.
And I know I said my feelings for Gamer have been going away, but they’re not completely gone just yet. I’d say that my feelings for him have been… around 30% these days. I don’t feel the urge to text him a lot anymore, nor does anything he does or doesn’t do bother me at all, and I even think that ending it is the right thing to do (compared to before when I liked him so much I kept finding excuses to hang out with him still), but the thought of ending it still saddens me quite a bit. I know that we probably will just remain friends, but it obviously won’t be the same. No more sleepovers, cuddles, casual physical touches… Ah, I’m getting sad again.
I guess I’ll see how these three weeks with him gone will go and see if I’ll be able to prepare myself for the end. I think I’ll know I’m ready for it when I’m able to think about ending it and not tear up like I am now. We’re getting Christmas presents for each other, and I think I have one in mind. If I can save up enough money, I’m definitely going to get a really nice one as a good-bye kind of thing. I don’t want him to think I just waited for my Christmas present before bolting on him, ha.
Sorry to get really sappy and young-love-and-heartbreak on you guys. The ending to things is never a good time, and to add on top of that I’m incredibly emotional and this thing between us have been going on for 3 years now.