Late Night Story

Hi everyone,

It’s been a long while since I last posted. To be honest, nothing super exciting has been happening. So, since it’s been a while and I still feel the need to post something, here is a little tidbit I wrote. Often times, a moment will suddenly give me the need to write it down in story form. The following piece was written down the day after it happened, and I remember in the moment one sentence stuck out to me for a while: “… no more words were exchanged as we retired for the night.” I changed the sentence once I began editing it, but that’s where the piece stemmed from. That one sentence. And that’s normally how most of my stories begin, from one random sentence that sticks to my mind until I write it down and then expand around it. So, please enjoy! It’s actually quite a bit longer, so I cut it down a bit for this post. Sorry if it seems a bit abrupt or such in some areas :) This takes place a few weeks ago when I spent the night at Gamer’s place.

It was nearing 3am, and my eyes were so strained it didn’t even feel comfortable to close them. I took off the shirt he lent me and placed it next to me against the wall in a crumpled fashion before lying down, enjoying the comfort of my head sinking into the pillow. Returning from the bathroom earlier, I had turned the lights off and now only the blue lights of his dual monitors across the room and his bright laptop nearby illuminated the room in an oddly soothing way. It was clear our introverted selves had enough of mindless chatter for the night and I could tell both of our minds had sunken down to a level where having a conversation did not seem like the most appealing idea.

His room was chillier than usual – at 72 degrees – the perfect temperature for me to wrap the blanket around me and be cozy. I brought the blanket up to my chest and tucked it neatly under my arms before glancing down by my feet. I was unable to completely stretch out my legs because he was lying horizontally, his back to me as he was still on his laptop looking at Pokemon source codes. He seemed wide awake, compared to earlier when he was dozing off while we were on the 5th YouTube episode of Pokemon glitches.

Wanting to stretch out, I scootched over and awkwardly pushed my legs past his arm and ended up in an odd curved position. Perhaps he realized that I was attempting to sleep or that it was getting incredibly late because he got up to come to lie in bed as well, bringing his laptop along.

“Chillin’?” He smiled at me as he moved toward the pillow, his laptop balanced on one hand and his laptop’s light reflecting off of his black rimmed glasses. I smiled and nodded in response. “Chillin’? Like a villain? On penicillin?” Letting out a laugh, I looked at him in a slightly quizzical way.

“What? That’s new,” I giggled as I moved over a bit more to give him room. He set his laptop down on the piano bench and plugged in his earphones – looks like tonight he’s not playing the video out loud. At first glance, it’s amusing to see a piano bench next to his bed, but it was conveniently level with the bed so one could place multiple items on it. He had brought the bench months ago into his room from the piano in the dining room so that there was a flat surface to put our Indian take out on. And it’s been in his room ever since.

As was done every night, he began his nightly YouTube search of a lengthy, commentated gameplay to lull him to sleep. Tonight, he searched up a random gameplay of The Binding of Isaac: Rebirth on his favorite YouTube channel, a game that he’s been resorting to for the past couple weeks.

“I said that to you earlier, remember?” he let out a chuckle as well as he placed his glasses next to his laptop and lay down, putting in one earphone to listen to the gameplay. He glanced at me and moved his arm above my head. In response, I swept my hair to my free side and raised my head so that we’d transition into our default sleeping position.

“Oh yeah, that’s right you did.” I then briefly remembered him asking me that earlier in the day when I was lying on his bed reading while he worked on the game he was programming by himself. Resting my head partly on his chest, I snuggled up to him and rested a relaxed fist on his chest while he wrapped his arms around me comfortably. 

That was all we said that night as I closed my eyes and we both retired for the night. The white noise of the fan whirred in the background but was soon forgotten about as I subconsciously matched my breathing with his rising and falling chest. He had a faint but very familiar smell lingering on his skin. I still wasn’t sure if it was from his Jimmy Choo’s Man cologne or his Old Spice body wash even after months of being with him, but whatever it was, I loved it. Nothing has ever soothed me as much as that scent has and, as always, I could practically feel my entire mind relax as I breathed it in. 

A few minutes later, I was nearly dozing off but the sound of his his heartbeat speeding up disrupted that. It thumped loudly, but perhaps that was because my ear was right above his heart. He’s having a panic attack. I uncurled the loose fist that was formed on his chest and lightly traced my long fingernails up and down a small area of his chest without moving my hand.

It wasn’t much and I knew it probably wasn’t going to make a big difference, but I hoped it helped a little bit. Shortly after, his fast and loud heartbeat subsided back to normal and I stopped the light scratches, glad to see it was over. Panic attacks suck, and I still have no idea how he manages to keep a straight face on when he goes through one. Granted, he’s been getting them constantly since he was a child. I turned on my side and relaxed, hoping for my mind to descend into the haziness of sleep soon. He shifted along with me and I felt his arm slip over my bare waist and hold me close. Comforted by his soft, even breathing by my ear, I let out a breath of contentment as the quiet night settled on us peacefully.

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Vivid Emotions in Dreams

Dreams are odd. Most times they can be straight up random and other times they might be meaningful. Of course, can’t forget about the nightmares either.

Ever since Magician and I broke up, I occasionally get these strange, incredibly vivid dreams. At first, I thought perhaps the dreams were basically having me relive the moments I went through when I found out about all the lies Magician had told me. But eventually I realized that it may be more of my dreams projecting my subconscious insecurities/fears.

As we all know, I have trust issues thanks to Magician, and I suppose beyond that I have a slight fear that I’m being lied to by most guys (if not all). That they’re merely telling me what I want to hear. When I was seeing Jif at the end of summer, I had this dream that he called me after I woke up and nonchalantly admitted that he’s also been seeing another girl at the same time as me and that he wanted us two to stop seeing each other. I forget what else happened but man, it was incredibly vivid and I felt all these emotions. The feelings were so real that I woke up convinced for a good minute that that really happened.

I write this post because I just recently had another vivid dream. Over the weekend I slept over at Gamer’s place and all was fine and dandy. When we went to bed, we snuggled up and it was comfortable. But then the dream happened.

The dream was basically about me hanging out at Gamer’s place and he (also nonchalantly) said that he was seeing another girl (some girl named Lissandra… talk about random name choosing). I obviously became outraged and hurt and I think I started crying from anger. Then Gamer started to kind of taunt me like “how could you have not known? Come on it was so obvious.” Other little things happened afterward but essentially I stormed out right when Lissandra (Lissandra, seriously? How did my brain come up with that) showed up an he just ignored me and seemed WAY happier with her.

It was just a silly dream though and the contents don’t really bother me so much as the feelings I felt. And looking back, the dream didn’t really make sense (typical dream to not make sense) because at one moment my good high school friend was there randomly in Gamer’s house comforting me. And he’s normally tall and lanky but in my dream he was fatter and had long hair that was tied back…

Anyway, as I was saying I think it has less to do with the content of the dream and more about how I felt. Like honestly, I really do not know how to emphasize just how REAL those emotions felt. I guess in a way I did relive the emotions I felt last July when I found out my long-term Magician cheated on me and lied to my face constantly. And it absolutely sucks.

When I woke up, the feelings of hurt and rage lingered still inside me and I woke up agitated and also slightly confused of where I was. Even after realizing it was all just a dream and I was lying in Gamer’s bed with my head on his chest, I still felt pretty down. It was like 9am and I wanted to sleep more but I ended up staring at the ceiling for like a good hour, willing the remaining negative feelings to go away. Those emotions in a dream are no joke.

I was so affected by it for a while, Gamer even noticed my distraught self and asked what happened. I told him I had a bad dream, but I couldn’t tell him about the dream specifically though. It seemed a little weird/awkward considering we’re nothing serious. So when he asked me what the dream was about, I said I forgot it. But really, even a few days later I still remember majority of it.

Besides that though, there was another time I had a vivid dream that I didn’t hate. It happened probably a few years ago maybe? I can’t remember. But basically, I had given birth and I was holding my newborn child in my arms at the hospital, looking down at the baby. That was it, but damn… the amount of love and warm feelings I felt was overwhelming and so… incredible. To be honest, I currently am not fond of babies (I’m awkward around them), but I gotta say that was one of my favorite dreams. When I woke up, I remember thinking “Ah, so that’s what it feels like to be a mom.” To get all those heart-bursting feelings and just…. so much love and joy that I couldn’t contain inside my body. That’s also a dream I cannot emphasize just how real it all felt and the abundance of good vibes I felt.

Anywho, I’m hoping my subconscious will stop bothering me and projecting those negative emotions into my dreams.

That One Legendary Person

I don’t know how many of you have seen this, but there’s a post floating around on the internet that compares Pokemon with your love life. It stated how you’ll meet all kinds of different Pokemon, and you’ll use so many Poke Balls, Great Balls, even Ultra Balls to capture them. But you gotta wait till that special legendary Pokemon to use your Master Ball.

For those unaware, you can buy all sorts of poke balls to capture Pokemon. Poke Balls for regular Pokemon, Great Balls for harder to catch Pokemon, Ultra Balls for even harder Pokemon to catch, and for some games you can get one Master Ball (just one). For all of the different type of Poke Balls except Master Ball, there’s no 100% guarantee that the Pokemon will be caught, hence why you can buy more of them at a store. The Master Ball, however, is 100% guaranteed catch rate no matter what level pokemon you’re trying to catch. That’s why they’re rare and you have to use your Master Ball wisely.

(Note: there’s no rule really, you can use whichever Poke Ball you want to capture whatever Pokemon you want. But if you use a Poke Ball on a legendary Pokemon, you’ll probably need like 30 of those Poke Balls because chances of capture are very slim. And if you wanna use an Ultra Ball on a regular Pokemon, by all means go ahead. Catch rate will be high… but also a total waste of an Ultra Ball because they’re pretty expensive)

Anyway, Regina George sent me that picture because she knows how much I love Pokemon. And it made me a little sad because I realized I already used my Master Ball. I already used it on Magician, my ex, and despite the fact that he fucked up big time and fucked me over and I’m still heavily affected by his past actions, I can’t deny that he was that legendary Pokemon for me. He was probably the best I got and it’s pretty sad to think that I already probably had my best.

I know, there’s no telling. I’ll probably meet “my best” eventually but as of now, this is how I feel. As much as I don’t like Magician, he’ll always (unfortunately) have a place in my heart. We had great chemistry together and as much as I don’t want to do this, I can’t help but compare Magician to Batman from time to time and randomly think to myself about how Batman and I don’t have the spark/chemistry that Magician and I had. Even R.G. and her boyfriend, Poet, agreed that we had a chemistry unlike other. It wasn’t only that, it felt like… we were one. We could be totally comfortable with each other, we loved everything about each other. Magician’s only downfall was that he wasn’t very articulate so he failed to express how he felt, unlike Batman and his fluid flow of how he feels about me.

Since I wasted that Master Ball on Magician, I’ve just been half-heartedly throwing Poke Balls at fuckboys. I haven’t even used any Great Balls or Ultra Balls yet. But maybe that will change in the future. So remember to save your Master Ball and even Ultra Balls for that potential special someone.

The Ho Phase

I’ve tried to distract myself, doing things to make me happy again. And they work, but it’s not a genuine type of happiness. Well, I feel happy at the time, but sooner or later it just dissipates into that empty feeling. If there’s nothing to distract me constantly, my default feeling is emptiness.

I won’t lie, I’ve turned into a bit of a ho. I jumped back on the tinder game and have been messaging numerous guys at once and meeting up with a few of them. I never used to be like this. Before, I used to always just stick to one guy even if we didn’t have a label and it was casual. But there was a period a few months ago where I would talk to several guys at once, ignore them once I was done talking to them, and/or meet up with them for a fling.

I’m not proud of it. But it did help. As you know, I did meet Gamer and I still am meeting him casually as a friends with benefits kind of thing. But it’s not enough. Since Magician, I’ve been going around gathering this shallow love from guys. Like I have this need to know that I am likable and that guys do like me.

Yes, it’s pathetic but it helped me cope for a while. It’s been a while though and now I don’t feel satisfied by just that. I can see that shallow love isn’t going to fix me, and that I need an actual person to care about me genuinely as a lover. At the same time, however, I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship. I still have severe trust issues, and I can already see that sparking with Gamer.

We have something casual and yet I think I’m starting to grow feelings for him, which isn’t good. I’m still in recovery mode and I recall he doesn’t want anything serious. Besides, I think he’s found another girl he’s talking to, so I’m trying hard to not let that bother me.

A middle school friend and I started talking late last night, and it turns out he’s going through the same thing as me. And he said something that stuck with me. He mentioned that he’s picking up the broken pieces of himself, but as he’s doing so, he sees that there are some pieces missing that he’ll never get back.

Perhaps that is what is causing my empty feelings. The fact that something is missing, that I’m missing a broken piece I’m trying to find to no avail.

I’ve stopped my tinder grind and instead am trying to focus mainly on my career side of life. I’ve decided to focus on my internship this semester and take only three classes. I’ll probably repeat my junior year, but I’m okay with that. It’s worth building up my career and keeping up my grades simultaneously.

Besides, mom did always say to focus on myself. To be surrounded by the best people, and sooner or later the right person will come along under good circumstances.

An Empty Way

Months. It’s been months since Magician broke my heart, my trust and my own self. Everyday I count down the infinite days just hoping that I’ll jump back on my feet – that there will be a day when I can wake up and everything will go back to normal. However, it’s come to a point where I no longer look forward to the day I’ll piece myself back together. I’m still picking myself up and it appears that I’m merely picking up grains of sand on an endless beach.

I never considered myself an intense romantic. A sappy person who was all for the cheesiness and lovey dovey aspects of love (of course I will appreciate doing and receiving good romantic gestures). And yet… here I am. Still broken after the incident 6 months ago.

I’ve wondered to myself so many times as to why. Why am I still so down? Just why. Magician and I had been together for only a year, shouldn’t I have moved on by now? So many times have I lain in bed staring at the ceiling, staring at the white painting wondering why I feel so blank myself.

It was only recently I’ve realized that perhaps it’s because I put my all into this one year relationship. I did so much for him, and in return I get taken for granted and cheated on and lied to. No decent person should do this to anyone, and worst of all the one person I loved so much did this.

There are days I hate him so much for what he did. Days where I hate what he did to me, what he made me become. I don’t cry anymore about this. No, I’m long done with crying. But I feel like an empty shell most times.

People say to love yourself, spend time on yourself and grow to improve yourself. I’ve always believed in that, but I see how hard that is to do when you’re constantly bogged down by the thought that you’re not worth being treated with respect or that someone you cared deeply about didn’t even have the decency to think about your well being and self before fucking you over.

I try to love myself regardless, but it’s hard when you feel like you don’t have anyone to support you. I have great friends, but they’re all busy with their own lives and I’m not one to talk about myself for too long without feeling like I’m a whiny person or am hogging the spotlight.

So what better way than to write on my anonymous blog.