Second Catch-Up Story

Second story:

Happened today actually, and is about Brendan and Mark again. So we have an assignment based on our show due Monday, and we have to collaborate together. It’s kind of complicated so I won’t get into the details of the assignment.

First, back tracking a bit… I realized that Mark and Brendan are actually slackers. Great. But at least they’ll do the job, even it’s kinda half-assed sometimes. And also, just earlier this week, I told them that if they try their hardest on this assignment and their part of the assignment turns out great, then I’ll get them donuts. They agreed. Yay bribery.

Last night I was texting Mark and we realized how complicated the assignment was, so we decided that today we’d meet up during our free time to discuss the assignment and make it clear. With that, I told both Mark and Brendan that I’d bring the donuts in today for their future hard work. Which I did, and I guess they ate it some time today when I wasn’t around because I didn’t see them eat it.

During our break, we went to the cafeteria and Tina and one of her group members, Jake, came along. Also another classmate Ben, who, I guess, didn’t really have anything better to do except tag along. Tina and Jake were next to us at a long table working on their assignment, just like us three. Some what.

Not even three minutes into our discussion, the two just let the silence fall upon us before chatting with Ben while eating pizza and I sat across from them trying to straighten out our assignment. Once or twice I brought their attention back by asking for their opinion and it was clear they just weren’t interested. I should have expected that in the first place.

Eventually, I started to get teary eyed and wanted to cry from frustration. I couldn’t believe this was happening. And one time while we three were contemplating on something, Ben interrupts and asks Mark a question about his barista job and where to apply for an open spot. I got exasperated and I just dropped the assignment instructions and pencil on my notebook and leaned back in my chair with a sigh, giving Ben a look. He apologized in a low voice but Mark didn’t really catch the drift because he answered Ben very enthusiastically and they proceeded to have another conversation.

Tina was trying to help me by asking things like “So, did you guys get ____ figured out?” to Mark and Brendan. I was grateful but eventually I whispered to her that it was okay and that I appreciated it but I had given up.

A few moments later, I guess my frustration hit the bar because I felt something inside my brain snap, my hand wouldn’t stop trembling and I felt my face get red as tears started brimming my eyes. Mark and Brendan kept asking what the concept we were doing was no matter how many times one of us explained it, and I had enough of it at one point that after Brendan asked once more to clarify what the concept was, I couldn’t help myself as I dropped my pencil and rubbed my face in annoyance before responding to him.

We needed to list three “objectives” and each of us would take note of it in one episode we’d watch (don’t worry about understanding that, it’s not important). I had my objective and Brendan had his, all that was left was for Mark (or all three of us actually) to come up with his own. I guess he was getting impatient because he said that he’d think of it later. Brendan asked if that meant we were done discussing and Mark seemed more than eager to get out of the cafeteria. I think Brendan sensed that I was upset because he went over what he would be doing, I guess to make sure I knew he wasn’t taking it lightly. I don’t know, I couldn’t tell.

So with that, Mark and Brendan left, and I stood up to leave too. Jake and Kevin, other group mate who arrived, moved to a different table and Tina gathered her stuff while I wore my backpack. She asked how it went and if I was okay and I broke down.

No, I didn’t sob my eyes out. I just couldn’t hold back some tears while I told her how I didn’t see why it’s so hard to just focus for like 45 minutes or so. I told her I gave up on them. And that I spent five bucks on donuts for absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. She hugged me and patted my head (haha) and reassured me that things will be okay. She said that she’d get Kevin to talk some sense into them too, and I was kind of grateful for that. Though I wasn’t sure if I wanted those two butt heads to know. I decided to skip my last class and go home. I guess Brendan and Mark heard shortly after from Kevin that I was upset and cried because on the train home Brendan texted me. Well it was a group message between us three. He wrote “we got this (thumbs up) gonna get an A on this.” I just stared at his text for five whole minutes. My mind was actually blank and I didn’t know how to react. And I almost cried again from reading that. I decided not to respond. Half an hour later, Mark joined in on the conversation and said “Right (gleeful, smiley face).” I again didn’t know how to respond. I just let it be.

Kevin texted me too a bit later, saying not to worry and that he’d talk to Brendan and Mark. Appreciated that too. I wanted to be happy that Brendan and Mark didn’t outrightly say “sorry” or some shit and instead said something encouraging, but it was hard to be happy. All I could imagine was that behind those texts were Brendan and Mark texting me with a dead pan, serious face and probably thinking “wow, what an emotional uptight girl we’re working with.”

I mean, maybe they weren’t thinking that. But you know me, can’t help but think of the worst. Just an hour ago or so I responded saying thanks. No response. I don’t expect one either.

I knew they were slackers so I shouldn’t have expected an extremely productive discussion. But I guess I had my hopes up a little too high because last night Mark had texted me asking questions on the assignment and then said that we should have a good talk face to face today. Yeah, that’s probably it. Got my hopes up.

Well, that’s how my day went. I wasted money on donuts. I mentally felt something snap in my head. I cried. I was mopey and depressed for a while. And I don’t know what to do now.

So yeah, that’s my second dramatic catch-up story. Hope everyone has a nice day/night. I’m gonna go take a nap. Almost fell asleep halfway through this post.

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First Catch-Up Story

Been a while, folks. I guess there are a few things that has happened that I think would be worth sharing. First story happened a few weeks ago. In my Sociology class, we’re doing a case study group that lasts the whole semester. We had to get into groups of three and we get to choose what TV show we want to watch (out of the list the teacher had) and do some long term project on it. And because there’s significantly less girls than guys in the class, the groups had to be two guys and one girl (and there’s I think one group that’s all guys).

I decided to ask these two guys, let’s call them Mark and Brendan (I knew they’d pair up). I messaged Brendan on Facebook and he didn’t see it until a while later. He said “hang on, let me ask Mark” or something. I said okay and while I was waiting, I texted my close friend (same class as me) about it. She, let’s call her Tina, replied saying that Mark just texted her and then sent me a screenshot of her and Mark’s conversation. I was in disbelief when I saw that a few minutes after Brendan said “hang on” Mark had asked Tina if she was in a group already and that if not, if she wanted to join him and Brendan.

Like… really?

I had mixed emotions, but I guess I was mainly sad. That’s the issue with being great friends with a gorgeous girl. She’s bi-racial and as we all know, most bi-racial people are very good looking.

I became somewhat depressed and my self-confidence just went down the drain instantly. I felt like ugly, worthless crap. My thoughts were jumbled up too and I kept thinking, they’re choosing someone better looking than me for this semester long project? Or do they actually think I’m dumb? Either way… it hurt.

Tina told Mark that she had already made up her mind for a group, and a few moments later Brendan messaged me saying “yeah you can join.” Yeah, thank you for giving me permission to join you two after you put me on freakin’ hold while you asked my close friend in order to decide whether to reject me or not.

For the next few nights I’d lay in bed and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. My self-esteem kind of crumbled, as mentioned before, and that really wasn’t good since it wasn’t exactly that high to begin with. But at the same time, I think subconsciously I wasn’t too surprised at that little incident. Since middle school, my closest friends have been the pretty, lovely personalities, and smart girls. They weren’t stuck up bitches like you’d see in typical high school shows or what not. They all are so sweet and even though there might have been disagreements, we all treated each other respectfully and I was so happy with them (I’m using past tense because we’ve graduated now and they’re in different colleges). But it still never made me feel that great when we’d hang out with other people and they’d kind of ignore me. I eventually just let it be though ’cause I was used to it. Partly a reason why I don’t go out much, never saw the appeal.

Yeah, I probably sound really pathetic and whiny, but I don’t know how else to say it. And I think I mentioned this background before, but freshman year a guy used me to get to one of my best friends (and they had a lovely relationship). Sophomore year, I had a thing going on with a guy I really liked for a few months, but at the last minute when he found out that I actually liked him (and I guess not only simple flirtatious behavior) he suddenly asked a close friend out (she was apologetic but still went out with him of course and I ended up being cupid). Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a loser haha I had three wonderful relationships and a bunch of amateur ones.

With all that… this whole group incident affected me more than it probably would have if I didn’t have past issues with douche guys.

I don’t really have the right to be mad at Mark and Brendan for that, since of course they’d have a person in mind that they’d want to be in a group with, but I can’t help it.

Well, this was a long post, I’ll do another one for my second catch-up story.

Prep School Speaker

Today, a speaker came to the school. He talked about this book he wrote, called…. something along the lines of How Children Succeed (don’t quote me on that. please). It was interesting. He talked about how children grow and how their childhood affects their adult life.

For example, he did a psychological experiment long time ago. He put a 5 year old kid in a room with a marshmallow on the table, and told him not to eat it until he comes back into the room. If, however, the kid can’t contain himself and wants to eat the marshmallow, he just has to ring this bell and the man will come back and let him eat it. If the kid waits till the man returns though, then the kid will get two marshmallows. It’s basically all a waiting game.

Later in life, the man looked back and realized that the kids who waited longer were more successful in life and more happy. It was pretty interesting.

But then he started talking about prep schools. Indirectly directed at us.

It was a nice speech, but it felt as though he was saying how we, prep students, don’t exactly know the meaning of true failure, like those who don’t attend prep schools.

Excuse me? I’m not saying he’s wrong or right, but I think we need a clear definition of what HE thinks is considered true failure. Everyone fails, and then pick themselves up and start over. I still don’t really know what he means by true failures. He was also basically kind of saying how we have everything. Not really true.

You know, not everyone at prep schools are perfect or super smart or whatever he thinks we are. There are bound to be students here who are struggling, but he doesn’t really seem to see that. Either that or he doesn’t acknowledge it. Also, not everyone comes from a rich background. Not everyone has a luxury life that he assumes we have. Like me. I’m just a common person who needs financial aid. And I’m not perfect or super smart either (I’m doing well in school though nonetheless). So he I don’t think it was exactly fair that he spoke for us, if not every prep school.

Well there’s my little post/rant for today. I promised someone I would write a post on unconditional wisdom, and yeah it has been a few days since I said I would write it. BUT FEAR NOT. I will definitely get to it soon, possibly over the weekend. I’ll be home and I’ll get to ask my dad about it (huge philosopher he is). So I hope you guys can wait a bit longer :)

Bye!

Authentic Presence + Some News

Hello my lovely readers. I just wanted to thank you for the likes and follows and awesome comments. I really feel good about myself knowing that I’m writing good posts. I LOVE YOU ALL. Haha.

Anyway, I have a shit ton of homework this weekend due Monday and I’m currently starting my Philosophy paper. It’s the final paper on the course we’re learning this semester. We learned about Tibetan Buddhism and meditation (my field of expertise of course ;) ). We read a book through the course called Shambhala by Chogyam Trungpa. I never read it before, but it’s in my house and my dad has read it twice I believe, so he was kind of psyched to hear we were going to start reading that book.

My essay consists of three parts. First part consists of another three parts (great..), which is basic goodness, drala, and authentic presence. The second part is a response to a movie we watched (and a movie I have seen over four times I swear) called Kundun, which is a movie based on the Dalai Lama’s biography from before his enthronement to his destination to India after the occupation of Tibet. The third part is the one that counts the most and we have to write our thoughts on the several periods we’ve spent meditating. I have no idea what to write on that because to be honest I was nodding off a lot of the times. But hey, I wasn’t the only one. I opened my eyes at one point and saw others nodding off and one was completely knocked out.

I was just going to talk about authentic presence. I’ll be talking about drala another time because currently… I have limited knowledge on it… Shame I know.

So authentic presence… “is developed when one achieves the realization of universal monarch.” That is to say (from what I gathered), authentic presence isn’t just a person who becomes good natured. It’s not a person who wants to create a better life for him or herself. Okay, well that is true, but there’s something beyond that.

Authentic presence is when one realizes the pure goodness in or surrounding him or herself and then utilizes that knowledge to gain a more simple and content life. It’s also when a person disregards what is not necessary in life, like perhaps unnecessary comforts, and letting go of negative feelings, especially ego. And if someone is able to make a journey through life without clinging onto things, objective or subjective things, and cruise by with a simple mind, then that person has obtained an authentic presence.

There you go everyone. I felt like I had to share that. Sorry it’s short haha.

Also… I went back and forth to this blog to my other one and noticed that my tone in blog posts seems total opposites. I’m kind of light here and in the other blog I seem so serious and solemn. Maybe that’s just me though, seeing as I’m the writer for both blogs. Maybe it’s just that one blog is white and the other black. I have no idea.

Oh, and sorry to disappoint. But. I won’t be doing a blog on my senior project. It turns out the senior project committee isn’t very fond of blogs (for reasons I have no idea why), so my final presentation will be a 15 paged paper (shoot me) for the committee to read. BUT FEAR NOT. I’m still going to make a separate blog. It’s just going to be informal like this blog. So all of you can breathe more calmly now. ;)

Anyway, back to my heavy ass homework.

Senior Project Preview!!

Hey everyone. I feel like it’s been a while since I’ve posted. Then again, I can’t even remember the last time I posted, set aside the idea that I’ve been in a hectic mode last couple weeks.

So today we swapped rooms in the dorm. Basically, we switch rooms with everyone. Of course, it’s not spontaneous or anything. We fill out forms stating who our previous roommates have been, whether they were singles, doubles, or triples, and then the rooms that we have lived in for the past however many years you’ve been here.

The seniors all had singles first semester, except for me and my roommate (I’ll miss her like crazy :( even though she’s on the other end of the hall), so this semester we’re all doubling up and letting the juniors have singles. But because I haven’t had a single before, I requested one. Firstly, it’s gonna be my first and last, and secondly, because I’m epileptic, it takes me a lot longer to do work than an average student (I’m sure you recall those posts where I mentioned some stuff on late nights and my roommate being bothered and etc.) so if I had a single I could take my sweet time and make sure everything is all good in my assignments and what not.

So today, I moved out of my room to my new single. It’s a pretty nice single. Snug and just right. It’s not exactly large, but it’s spacious enough for a single person. I’m thinking of getting some more posters, especially of my favorite hockey team.

The main point of my post was about this project I will be starting. So at my school, we don’t have finals. Instead, the seniors are required to do this thing called Senior Project. What happens is that seniors basically come up with a project they have to work on and complete within a month and then present it to the senior project committee, and then they’re told whether they pass or not. If they don’t pass, they don’t get a diploma and have to repeat the year… Yeah. I didn’t realize it was that serious/brutal until recently. So I really have to take this seriously. The projects last about a month, and seniors drop all their courses during that time. We call is senior spring, and man I’m so looking forward to that.

Oh, and the project can either be a full project, half project, or (if I’m not mistaken) third project. For a full project, you have to work 40 hrs/week on your project. For a half project it’s only 20 hrs/week, but that would mean you either have to think of another half project, or you keep two of your courses to keep attending. A third, I’m not sure if it even exists but it’s similar to what I’ve listed.

My project is going to be related to psychology and buddhism. The Dalai Lama gave a week long talk on how one can understand someone’s mind through buddhist religion (psychology and philosophy fall under that category) mixed in with modern day science. It’s a little complicated but that’s the main gist of it. So my project is watching those videos (each are about 45 minutes long), reading these two books the Dalai Lama has written on that topic, and creating a blog where I’ll post (I’m not sure if I will do it daily) what I’ve learned.

So watch out for my new blog guys! I’ll let you know when I start the blog and then give you a heads up and also post a link to it.

First I have to worry about my proposal though… What I have to do is write a half-page to a page long (I hope I’m mistaken on the length of the proposal…) proposal stating my project, goal and product. The final product is basically what I’ll present to the committee and hope that it will get me an ‘okay, pass’ from them. I hope that my proposal will get approved and passed. If my project gets rejected, I only have so much time to think of a new project. I heard it’s usually unlikely for a project to get rejected. So I also have to think of a very creative/cool title so that it will already give a good impression for the committee.

Crossing my fingers!

So for now, I’m going to go off and watch the hockey game while munching on some stuff. Don’t know what though.

See you guys!