A Lonesome Night of Writing

My parents are away in India. My dad left at the end of January and my mom left about two weeks ago. I’m home alone with my cousin and my dog, and it’s quite nice. But right now, I feel a bit lonely. That sinking feeling of loneliness is gently nagging at me from inside my chest. Part of me wants to talk to someone, but another part of me also wants to be alone. My cousin went to go sleep half an hour ago and my dog accompanied her shortly after. I’m sitting on the couch and, man, I wish I could hug someone right now. It is almost that time of the month for me though, and I tend to get period blues so I’m not entirely surprised at this feeling. But it still sucks. I suppose for now, I will do a little writing tidbit because why not? This is from earlier in the day when I was over at Gamer’s place.

 

“Am I fun to hang out with?” Without realizing, I had blurted out the question that was on my mind while looking up at him mindlessly from his lap.

“Yes,” he responded without looking down at me.

“Really?”

“No, I hang out with you three times a week just to make you feel better,” he said jokingly as he glanced down at me with a smile. I let out a small laugh.

“Okay, good, that’s how it should be,” I replied also jokingly before we both looked back at his monitor. He was sitting cross legged on the bed while I had my head resting on the pillow in his lap. With his laptop out in front of him, he was trying to program but we both were a little too mildly interested in the 90’s gameplay that was playing on YouTube in front of us on his monitor. It was warm in his room and my legs were tangled in his blanket, my arms holding onto his arm loosely. Nearby, my laptop was off in the corner with my phone and a raspberry flavored Airheads wrapper gently fluttering back and forth from the fan in the room. A 4pm Sunday afternoon – it doesn’t get more lazy than this.

“Do you think you’re not fun to hang out with?” I turned my head back up at him when he asked that after a few seconds of silence. His eyes were still glued to the monitor as I repeated that question to myself silently.

“Well, no. It’s just I don’t do much when I’m here so I was wondering what it could be about me that’s fun.”

“I have fun hanging out with you, but if you’re bored here you should let me know.” He looked down at me and I shook my head. That’s not what I meant.

My mind flashed back to the first night we met. After a round of hot chocolate, I met up with him again after his work was over and we went to his place. It was an awkward, incredibly polite meet up now that I compare our current hangouts to that November night in 2015. Upon leaving his place, I recall that moment where I walked away from his apartment down the sidewalk at 10pm. The brisk chill in the wind washing over my cheeks as I looked down at the pavement with my hands digging deep into my pockets to keep warm. Well, that’s that. I had thought to myself, trudging toward the train station. I was so sure that I was never going to see him again. So sure that it was like the other guys I met before him – a hit and run type of meet up with those empty words of “we should hang out some time again” and “I’ll text you.” I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever tell him about how I think about that night periodically from awe and pleasant surprise.

“I do have fun with you. I was just wondering,” I smiled genuinely. As repetitive as it may seem, I did enjoy doing the same things over and over with him. Though, sometimes I do wonder what it is about our hangouts that seem fun to him. It’s normally him doing his own thing while I look on from the sidelines. What do I do that’s fun for him?

“Well, you stop thinking that, you fluff nugget,” he smiled jokingly again and squeezed my cheeks with his one hand, making me pout.

“Okay,” I said in a very nasally voice, causing some chuckles to spurt out of both of us. “So, when are you free next?”

“Whenever. You pick the day.”

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The Need for Solitude

Quite a few things have happened, but I’ll skip over them because they’re not highly important (or at least, important enough for me to put in the time and energy to make a post about them). All in all, I am single and no longer dating.

The main thing I wanted to talk about was about how I feel pretty… Well, I can’t find the right word about this but I’ll elaborate.

Lately, I’ve been feeling the urge to get out of the house more. Not necessarily to hang out with friends, but just get out even if it means doing nothing by myself. I have things to do around the house, so it’s not like I won’t be bored. I suppose I feel pretty suffocated regardless inside these walls. Not only that, but I also have a feeling of wanting to be away from my usual everyday things like my family.

Tomorrow, I’m going to head out to a Starbucks with my laptop around 12 and then wait for my friend to meet me with her boyfriend around 7:30pm. I have no idea what I’m going to do till then, but I feel like it’s much better than staying indoors. My mom tried telling me to go to the local bookstore near her workplace to do homework, but that didn’t appeal to me. That was when I realized I just wanted to be away from family too.

It may be the urge to just be alone by myself. I find myself climbing on top of this mountain behind my house often nowadays too and just sitting by myself (with my dog too). Heck, I’ll be on my phone and texting and being on social media or listening to music, but I, in general, get an urge to be away from my everyday life and do my own thing.

I think that (the wanting to be alone) is the contributing factor as to why I have a severe case of nostalgia for India. I miss it so much!! I miss the beautiful views, the quietness in the morning except for occasional barking, the stray dogs themselves, the vibe of relaxation… I miss it all.

Here are two pictures I took from the roof of my dorm when I was attending that Tibetan program there.

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My nostalgia for my birthplace is so large, majority of my recent Instagram pictures are of the country from last summer and putting captions about how much I miss India and other more specific aspects of it. I even made that first picture my Facebook cover photo.

I will probably be bored tomorrow, but I’m sure it’ll be okay. I might just roam around Boston itself and sit in places (though it’ll be pretty cold…).

Good night everyone and hope everyone has a wonderful day/night.