Motivation Through Discipline

(Go to the 5th paragraph if you wanna skip the lead-up introductory story and jump straight to the point)

Last night, loneliness struck me out of nowhere. The feeling of it was intense and I think it may have been due to the fact I just finished my monthly cycle and was also starting a new birth control prescription. If I had been at home when it happened, no big deal. But I was at Gamer’s place and I was stuck between bursting out in tears in front of him and venting the shit out of my feelings, or keeping it in and quietly willing for the loneliness to pass.

Unfortunately, the first scenario happened in a… less than conventional way. It was nearing 2am and we were lying in bed watching a gameplay of Heroes of Might and Magic on his laptop. Long story short: I silently cried to myself and kept telling Gamer I was alright (he knew immediately something was up and kept asking if I was sure everything was okay) for about an hour. But finally, he caught up with me and went all “Are you crying?? What’s wrong? Tell me, you butt.” And you know how it goes. When someone asks what’s wrong or if you’re crying, you fucking cry like a broken fire hydrant.

At that point, I was still lying on his arm, but facing away from him. (I said my nose was stuffy on one side, which it was – from crying, ha.) He started comforting me while I was still facing away from him, holding onto his arm like a koala, and trying to gather my words together through the crying.

But after a few moments, I finally told him what was up with me and, maybe it was because it was the late hours of the night, I told him much more than just the loneliness. I told him how I often felt insecure and how I had trouble really believing people cared about me since my relationship with my douche of an ex. (I couldn’t continue from the crying, but I meant to say that it often feels like people just come to me when they need something.) I even told him that I thought one flaw of mine was that I get attached very easily and that one day it’s probably gonna ruin me. I said it pretty vaguely so perhaps Gamer thought I meant in general how being attached will ruin me. But deep down, I meant with him. I knew that one day (in who knows how many years from now), he’s going to permanently move back to California and my being attached is certainly going to make letting it go difficult. But I suppose that’s another problem for another distant day.

Anyway, my point of this post is that Gamer was very insightful while he held me and patted my head comfortingly. He told me that if I set goals and ambitions for myself in life and work toward those, then pretty soon little things like caring about how other people see me or such will just become minor things that I can shrug off. He opened up too and told me that when he first moved to Boston, shortly after his hard breakup with his ex of four years, he cared a lot about how other people saw him and he would try hard to validate himself through other people. But soon, work goals took over and now that that is his number 1 priority, he finds people naturally come to him more now because of how real he’s being with himself and in life in general.

I don’t really… act differently or try hard to validate myself through other people (I don’t even reach out to people much to be honest), but I certainly see what he was saying. I opened up some more saying that I have these big goals and dreams in my mind, but I lack motivation and drive.

And here, Gamer said that this is where discipline comes into play. He is a person who naturally has drive and motivation, but if one doesn’t have those aspects, then they need to practice discipline. Discipline yourself into working hard toward your ambitions, but take slow steps. Each day, start with dedicating maybe 30 minutes of your time to researching your potential career or working on your large life goals, and soon enough the discipline will turn into a habit.

It opened my eyes and I realize today that yeah, I might not have instinctive motivation inside me, but that doesn’t mean I wait around for the drive to show up. I need to work on making myself better. And I have to start one little step at a time.

Who knows, everyone, maybe now is the time when I change myself for the better. I vow to become a stronger, independent person and to focus on the important things in life.

We talked for a long time, but when we wrapped the chat session up it was about 4:30am. To be honest, I don’t know what’s going to happen between Gamer and me, but if we continue to stay as ‘friends’ and not take things to the next level… I’ll be okay with that. And then when the time comes where he has to go back home forever, perhaps I’ll have changed and be strong enough to not be so devastated by his leaving.

Lonesome Nights

There are days where I feel lonely, and it’s most often an emphasized feeling toward night time or when no one else is at home with me (obviously). It’s a painfully aching emotion in which I can practically feel just how hollow the inside of my body is. Or, at least, it certainly feels like my body is merely an empty cavity.

I find I don’t have anyone I can talk to. Some friends do say that they’ll always be there for me and that I should just let them know when I’m down in the blues, but when the time comes it always seems like they have something better to do and I’m just in the way. Of course, I could be imagining it too.

Right now I’m in bed feeling pretty lonely, and I realized just how nice it is to sleep with someone. I mean quite literally, sleeping next to someone in bed.

When I’m over at Gamer’s apartment and we’re lounging around or I’m sleeping over, we lay next to each other and I find myself being physically clingy. I want to be touching him in some way, be it placing my head on his lap or my legs sprawled over his (I basically act like a cat that knows no boundaries).

When we sleep at nights, the room could be at a warm, cozy temperature and I’m snugggled up against his chest with his arms around me. Just closing my eyes right now I can revaluate how comfy and soothing it is.

Then back at home I’m alone in my queen sized bed, the room at a cooler temperature because, of course, my mom is wary of heating bills.

Its lonesome. But from time to time, throughout the day, I’ll catch a whiff of Gamer’s deodorant on my clothing or hair and I can never stop sniffing it every now and then. It mentally takes me back to his warm room that I might often complain about it being too hot, and I just remember how relaxing it is to sleep with him. To fall asleep in warmth and have someone’s arms around you through the night.

Perhaps my phases of loneliness is due to my getting spoiled from all the comforting moments I get at Gamer’s place. Or maybe, I am physically clingy because I have always been a little lonely to begin with and now just merely am aware of how I feel now and then. Who knows.

Either way, I wish I wasn’t so lonely here and then. Or that I was able to express it to someone. I really dislike this period of my life emotion wise.

Hopefully tonight I’ll be able to go to sleep without these empty but heavy feelings.

Vivid Emotions in Dreams

Dreams are odd. Most times they can be straight up random and other times they might be meaningful. Of course, can’t forget about the nightmares either.

Ever since Magician and I broke up, I occasionally get these strange, incredibly vivid dreams. At first, I thought perhaps the dreams were basically having me relive the moments I went through when I found out about all the lies Magician had told me. But eventually I realized that it may be more of my dreams projecting my subconscious insecurities/fears.

As we all know, I have trust issues thanks to Magician, and I suppose beyond that I have a slight fear that I’m being lied to by most guys (if not all). That they’re merely telling me what I want to hear. When I was seeing Jif at the end of summer, I had this dream that he called me after I woke up and nonchalantly admitted that he’s also been seeing another girl at the same time as me and that he wanted us two to stop seeing each other. I forget what else happened but man, it was incredibly vivid and I felt all these emotions. The feelings were so real that I woke up convinced for a good minute that that really happened.

I write this post because I just recently had another vivid dream. Over the weekend I slept over at Gamer’s place and all was fine and dandy. When we went to bed, we snuggled up and it was comfortable. But then the dream happened.

The dream was basically about me hanging out at Gamer’s place and he (also nonchalantly) said that he was seeing another girl (some girl named Lissandra… talk about random name choosing). I obviously became outraged and hurt and I think I started crying from anger. Then Gamer started to kind of taunt me like “how could you have not known? Come on it was so obvious.” Other little things happened afterward but essentially I stormed out right when Lissandra (Lissandra, seriously? How did my brain come up with that) showed up an he just ignored me and seemed WAY happier with her.

It was just a silly dream though and the contents don’t really bother me so much as the feelings I felt. And looking back, the dream didn’t really make sense (typical dream to not make sense) because at one moment my good high school friend was there randomly in Gamer’s house comforting me. And he’s normally tall and lanky but in my dream he was fatter and had long hair that was tied back…

Anyway, as I was saying I think it has less to do with the content of the dream and more about how I felt. Like honestly, I really do not know how to emphasize just how REAL those emotions felt. I guess in a way I did relive the emotions I felt last July when I found out my long-term Magician cheated on me and lied to my face constantly. And it absolutely sucks.

When I woke up, the feelings of hurt and rage lingered still inside me and I woke up agitated and also slightly confused of where I was. Even after realizing it was all just a dream and I was lying in Gamer’s bed with my head on his chest, I still felt pretty down. It was like 9am and I wanted to sleep more but I ended up staring at the ceiling for like a good hour, willing the remaining negative feelings to go away. Those emotions in a dream are no joke.

I was so affected by it for a while, Gamer even noticed my distraught self and asked what happened. I told him I had a bad dream, but I couldn’t tell him about the dream specifically though. It seemed a little weird/awkward considering we’re nothing serious. So when he asked me what the dream was about, I said I forgot it. But really, even a few days later I still remember majority of it.

Besides that though, there was another time I had a vivid dream that I didn’t hate. It happened probably a few years ago maybe? I can’t remember. But basically, I had given birth and I was holding my newborn child in my arms at the hospital, looking down at the baby. That was it, but damn… the amount of love and warm feelings I felt was overwhelming and so… incredible. To be honest, I currently am not fond of babies (I’m awkward around them), but I gotta say that was one of my favorite dreams. When I woke up, I remember thinking “Ah, so that’s what it feels like to be a mom.” To get all those heart-bursting feelings and just…. so much love and joy that I couldn’t contain inside my body. That’s also a dream I cannot emphasize just how real it all felt and the abundance of good vibes I felt.

Anywho, I’m hoping my subconscious will stop bothering me and projecting those negative emotions into my dreams.