Chill Gamer – Update

I was reading an old post of mine, “Chill Gamer”, and was amused and also mildly stunned that I wrote that post in 2015. I suppose it’s time for catch up, no?

I had thought initially, right after I wrote that post, that I wouldn’t see Gamer again. That it would be the same old routine of Tinder stories. Meet up with the guy, make empty promises of meeting up again, never make those plans, forget about each other. But surprisingly, here I am today – seeing Gamer three times a week religiously since 2015.

We’re not in a relationship, and over the course of the two years we’ve hung out, he has made it clear that he still isn’t looking for a relationship. I was initially bummed out because, as you can imagine happens to these sorts of situations, I had started to get feelings for him. However, things are back to normal now though (have things ever been normal to begin with though?).

The beginning of our “relationship” was pretty typical. We’d hang out, text when we were confirming plans, and… that was basically it. But over two years it has certainly progressed quite a bit. We still hang out often, whether we have sex or not, we text each other outside of our hangouts, go out for dinner or a movie occasionally, and we began to do gift-giving on holidays, and now even random gift-giving.

Well, the random gift-giving is mainly his side. He knows I like to play video games too so he’s often getting me games I’ve expressed interest in or he thinks I should try out. In general he’s spending a lot of money on me whenever he can and, as a broke college student, I’m grateful but also feel downright terrible. I can’t wait till when I get an actual job so I can start reciprocating on a more equal level, if not totally equal level. Gamer has stated before that even when I earn my own money, he’s still going to pay for shit.

We’ve become close in general too, having lots of inside jokes and being comfortable with each other. I’ve come to learn just how weird and goofy this mature, intelligent boy is. It’s wonderful because now.. we’re weird together! When I was with Magician and I sometimes would act silly, Magician would say “My baby’s weird.” But with Gamer, if I make a weird sound, Gamer will make a weird sound right back at me.

Gamer’s an astute son of a bitch too. He can tell almost instantly if something is wrong with me. One time, I was feeling off because of a panic attack I just had and when I arrived at his place, he opened the door and immediately asked what was wrong. Over text he can also tell what’s wrong with me, and man he never stops pestering me about what’s wrong. He always hopes that he didn’t do anything to piss me off.

Speaking of which, we never fight. Instead, we just have conversations. Often times if something is bothering me, we have a civil talk about it and I explain why I’m upset at him. He’ll apologize for that, then explain his side of the story or explain why he’d want me to be more understanding about something. And then it’s just kind of back and forth conversation until we’re happy and all set. The civil talks really help too – a lot of the old issues I’ve had with him have never come up again because he makes sure he doesn’t do it again and I become more understanding about it.

Gamer always says I should just say it if I’m upset at him so that he knows, but it’s still hard for me to bring issues up. When I was with Magician, anytime I’d bring something up, he’d never try to fix it. He’ll apologize and try to move on, and when I bugged him about how we can fix it, he would get mad and then say that we should break up. It’s affected me to the point where I can’t bring up my feelings because I have this irrational fear that the person I’m with will have a similar attitude. That they’ll get annoyed and think “this is bullshit, I’m here for a good time and you’re getting mad. I’m out.”

Gamer says he’d never react that way, and I know that! But man, I’m still getting used to NOT feeling that way. Sleeping with him is also the best. He got these fuzzy blankets and his room is always a nice warm setting, but not too hot where we can’t cuddle. Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of anxiety and Gamer knows what I’m going through because he used to have depression and, with it, anxiety. Yesterday morning, I woke up at his place and mentioned how I was feeling anxious suddenly again, and Gamer went “aww, you’re okay, nugget” and pulled me back into bed and held me for a while. It really did help!

A lot of my friends joke we’re essentially in a relationship already, and I have to say it definitely feels like we are. But because it feels like one, I’m not feeling any sort of urgency to figure out what we are. I’m happier hanging out with Gamer like this than I have been with previous boyfriends!

All in all, Gamer’s a great, balanced person. He’s a mix of maturity and goofiness, and a mix of being caring but also not taking bullshit. If I think too much about us, I do get confused because everything seems very relationship-y like, but he verbally says he’s not romantically interested in me. From time to time, too, he’ll ask me questions which take me by surprise because he never ever asks me anything (mainly because I tell him everything about me). And so far, the questions he’s asked me have been if I’d ever move to California (his home state), and what my goals were for the future. Hearing him ask me those questions, of all things, make me wonder what he’s thinking. Like if he’s considering, even for a second, a future with me. BUT, of course, I try not to think too much about it in case I’m just getting my hopes up blindly.

For now, we shall see where things go.

Currently, Gamer is having a very busy time at work so our usual Tuesday-Thursday-Saturday hangouts are just Thursday-Saturday. I’m actually eating some truffle chocolates he bought me for Valentine’s day. He said he was hoping to get me a dinosaur or dog stuffed animal but he couldn’t find any good ones so he instead just got me three boxes of chocolates, ha. It’s going to take me ages to finish them because I’m not the biggest chocolate eater.

Oh, also, Magician got engaged to his girlfriend of a year LOL I still dislike him but I’m happy he found someone who’s in the same entertainment field as he is. More compatible and probably a girl more to his liking. But yeah, I still dislike him.



Cold Face, Warm Heart

I sometimes don’t understand myself. And maybe that’s because I AM me so I don’t know how to perceive myself from the outside. If any of that makes sense.

I’m a warm person, I’ll admit it. I humbly brag that I am a thoughtful person and I like to do nice things for my friends and loved ones. If you ask any of my friends, they’ll tell you I’m a soft person, I’m even tempered, non-judgmental, and considerate. And yet, I seem to ward people off naturally.

Many of those same friends who may praise me will say that at first they thought I was a cold person. Several of my friends have, in one way or another, said “Before I talked to you I always thought you were a cold person” or “You gave off cold vibes.” One of my friends, whom I met before freshman year of high school, told me that I was probably one of the nicest girl in the dorm, but before she met me she thought I was a cold person.

How?? I know I don’t have the classic “resting bitch face” syndrome – my friends have clarified that for me. I just happen to look cold and uninviting. I don’t know what I’m doing?! I don’t want to smile all the time to myself and look like a lunatic, but I don’t know how people are getting this notion either.

But then there’s a downfall to that. BECAUSE I know that now, I find that I instinctively try too hard to be nice and cheery when someone does talk to me and wind up looking artificial *facepalm* Ugh, how I wish things weren’t like that. Myself being an introvert, I find it hard to initiate conversations and start friendships, but unfortunately just waiting for someone else to make the first move doesn’t help either because they all think I look cold?!

I guess life will go on. I have cherished friends and loved ones who care about me, and that’s all that matters. But sometimes, I would like to have more friends. Ah, the great adventure of life. I guess.

Social Anxiety vs. Introversion

I have social anxiety (overall definition is that you become anxious, and sometimes fearful, of interacting with people or doing certain things due to an irrational fear of being negatively judged and/or criticized), but for the longest time ever I confused it with introversion. I figured that it  was because of my being an introvert that I behaved certain ways, but it was actually a recent phenomenon where I discovered that probably half of who I am (if not more or less) is due to social anxiety.

From what I gather through quick internet research, there’s ‘general social anxiety’ where people become anxious around people in general, and then non-general anxiety disorder where people become anxious only when in groups (so won’t feel anxious around just one or two people). I think I fall in the latter category.

I find that my social anxiety is most evident when I’m in the classroom since I am a full time student and those typically are large groups with there always being a chance I’ll be in the spotlight. But I do find myself getting socially anxious outside of the classroom, like when I’m out with a bunch of people or having dinner with relatives. But, not always! If I’m with people I am familiar with, such as close friends or relatives I constantly see, then I’m quite comfortable with speaking up. In those situations, my introverted side is the only side that is apparent. For example, I won’t talk a lot, I’ll listen more, and I’ll still avoid the spotlight when in very large groups but not out of nervousness – just sheer dislike of being the center of attention.

However, if I’m with a group of people I don’t know very well, my social anxiety acts up (can social anxiety act up? Is it ‘comes out’? You get the idea). I’ve thought about it for quite some time, and I still have a little trouble separating my behaviors into the two categories of ‘social anxiety’ and ‘introversion’. Of course, in some cases it’s very easy to tell:

For instance, during classroom time if the teacher asks a question and I even THINK about answering it, my social anxiety doesn’t even creep up on me slowly it, it full on hits me like a truck to the face. I can feel my heartbeat up in my throat and pretty much reverberating throughout my whole body. It beats so fast and so hard I hear it in my ears and feel it in my fingertips. Speaking of which, my hands start to tremble a little and, depending on the temperature, get sweaty or clammy. My rational mind knows that it’s not a big deal and that I can just earn some participation points since no one else is raising his/her hands, but emotionally and physically I just CAN’T do it. Even if I know that the answer is correct, I still have a hard time going through with it and in the back of my mind I’m still afraid of being judged. Which.. makes no sense. Being negatively judged for getting an answer right?? I never delve too deep into the reasons why I don’t want to speak up in those moments, but I assume it’s along the lines of “I’m pretty sure this is the right answer, but what if by chance it’s wrong? Oh man, I’m going to get so negatively judged…”

Or a minor example: on the rare chance that Gamer wants to play a game with me or wants to watch me play a game, my social anxiety kicks in there too. Boy oh boy, I hate being watched doing something because of the whole being negatively judged. I get quite anxious when he suggests any of those things and pretty rattled like, “what if I mess up in the game? Oh, I just have to hope I play perfectly otherwise he’s going to (negatively) judge me.” On top of that, Gamer isn’t one to just openly throw out comforting words if I do mess up so it just worsens the whole “I’m being judged” feeling. It’s not even the normal “Boy, I sure hope I do well!” It’s such an irrational state of emotion I get like… it’s just a fucking game, come on haha.

Then on the other hand, I have moments where I don’t want to do something merely because I do not feel like it. I don’t feel anxious about it or anything, I just do not want to do it. Like on a Friday night I might bail on my friends because I don’t feel like socializing – not because I’m scared of anything.

But I have moments where I can’t differentiate where my behavior could fall under. Like I’ll come across an encounter and I don’t feel anxious, but rather… awkward? Once, I was walking my dog and saw two people up ahead just chilling. When I saw them, I changed my route and took a left turn down a different street instead of walking straight on as planned. I didn’t act with the feelings of “oh crap, there’s people. I’m getting anxious so I’m going to leave” nor was it an “I don’t feel like bumping into people today” type of mood. It was more like, “eh, I feel like this would be awkward so I’ll just go this way for now” type of feeling (it sounds weird, but I tend to be a little socially awkward from time to time so I think that’s why I thought that).

So things like that, I can’t tell where that would fall under. Would it be social anxiety? Since I wanted to avoid getting involved in an awkward situation? It makes sense. I didn’t feel anxious though like I do in some other situations, but perhaps I don’t always have to feel symptoms to have something be classified as acting under social anxiety…. But if that’s the case, then I wonder if there are other moments where I classified them as introverted behavior, but actually is social anxiety?

But for all I know, that is just a situational moment that had nothing to do with introversion or social anxiety and I’m just forcing my mind to somehow categorize all my behaviors because as much as I am a messy teen I do like to have everything organized. *big shrug*

Ah, it’s all so confusing and I can’t seem to wrap my head around it. I suppose one day it’ll become clear. Or maybe it won’t! Maybe I’ll forever live in a gray area of social anxiety and introversion which seems like a more normal route to accept myself as… But I am hitting a boring stage in my life so I might as well have something to ponder about and keep me entertained at nights in bed.*another big shrug*

If anyone knows anything more about social anxiety, I would love to hear about it! I’m still learning up on it and have yet to really talk to my doctor about it.

Good night everyone!

A Lonesome Night of Writing

My parents are away in India. My dad left at the end of January and my mom left about two weeks ago. I’m home alone with my cousin and my dog, and it’s quite nice. But right now, I feel a bit lonely. That sinking feeling of loneliness is gently nagging at me from inside my chest. Part of me wants to talk to someone, but another part of me also wants to be alone. My cousin went to go sleep half an hour ago and my dog accompanied her shortly after. I’m sitting on the couch and, man, I wish I could hug someone right now. It is almost that time of the month for me though, and I tend to get period blues so I’m not entirely surprised at this feeling. But it still sucks. I suppose for now, I will do a little writing tidbit because why not? This is from earlier in the day when I was over at Gamer’s place.


“Am I fun to hang out with?” Without realizing, I had blurted out the question that was on my mind while looking up at him mindlessly from his lap.

“Yes,” he responded without looking down at me.


“No, I hang out with you three times a week just to make you feel better,” he said jokingly as he glanced down at me with a smile. I let out a small laugh.

“Okay, good, that’s how it should be,” I replied also jokingly before we both looked back at his monitor. He was sitting cross legged on the bed while I had my head resting on the pillow in his lap. With his laptop out in front of him, he was trying to program but we both were a little too mildly interested in the 90’s gameplay that was playing on YouTube in front of us on his monitor. It was warm in his room and my legs were tangled in his blanket, my arms holding onto his arm loosely. Nearby, my laptop was off in the corner with my phone and a raspberry flavored Airheads wrapper gently fluttering back and forth from the fan in the room. A 4pm Sunday afternoon – it doesn’t get more lazy than this.

“Do you think you’re not fun to hang out with?” I turned my head back up at him when he asked that after a few seconds of silence. His eyes were still glued to the monitor as I repeated that question to myself silently.

“Well, no. It’s just I don’t do much when I’m here so I was wondering what it could be about me that’s fun.”

“I have fun hanging out with you, but if you’re bored here you should let me know.” He looked down at me and I shook my head. That’s not what I meant.

My mind flashed back to the first night we met. After a round of hot chocolate, I met up with him again after his work was over and we went to his place. It was an awkward, incredibly polite meet up now that I compare our current hangouts to that November night in 2015. Upon leaving his place, I recall that moment where I walked away from his apartment down the sidewalk at 10pm. The brisk chill in the wind washing over my cheeks as I looked down at the pavement with my hands digging deep into my pockets to keep warm. Well, that’s that. I had thought to myself, trudging toward the train station. I was so sure that I was never going to see him again. So sure that it was like the other guys I met before him – a hit and run type of meet up with those empty words of “we should hang out some time again” and “I’ll text you.” I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever tell him about how I think about that night periodically from awe and pleasant surprise.

“I do have fun with you. I was just wondering,” I smiled genuinely. As repetitive as it may seem, I did enjoy doing the same things over and over with him. Though, sometimes I do wonder what it is about our hangouts that seem fun to him. It’s normally him doing his own thing while I look on from the sidelines. What do I do that’s fun for him?

“Well, you stop thinking that, you fluff nugget,” he smiled jokingly again and squeezed my cheeks with his one hand, making me pout.

“Okay,” I said in a very nasally voice, causing some chuckles to spurt out of both of us. “So, when are you free next?”

“Whenever. You pick the day.”

Anxiety Waves

I’m getting an anxiety attack right now, and it absolutely sucks. All I know is that I do not like it. I wanna reach out and talk to someone, but I feel like I don’t have anyone I can really open up to about this. Or rather, someone I feel I can’t rely on with this information.

It sounds mean when I put it that way, but really what I mean is like… I want to reach out to someone who I know will care enough about my well being. Someone who will react like “oh I’m sorry, how are you feeling now?” and spend time trying to genuinely help me out.

Honestly, I don’t think I have friends like that. When I run through the list of friends in my mind, no one sticks out as a strong option. I just reached out to one, but she took it lightly…

I feel like I’m dying and I don’t know what to do.