It’s the Little Things

I think everyone can agree that when it comes to relationships, the best thing you can see from your partner is effort. Doesn’t matter if they successfully cook your favorite dinner or plan a perfect date – as long as they tried and put effort into it.

Gamer tries his best with me and I’m always so grateful for it. He’s not even my boyfriend and he tries harder than the boyfriends of my past. I wanted to write this post because he’s currently doing it again.

Gamer, as my name for him suggests, loves to play video games. And I enjoy watching him play! But sometimes he gets carried away and plays with his friends online while I’m there. It generally doesn’t bother me, but it DOES bother me when he plays with his friends for hours while I’m there and we don’t hang out with each other. I mean, then it feels pointless. Why did I come over to your place if all you were gonna do is play with your friends and I’m just on my laptop? I could have done that at home by myself.

A few months ago, it got very bad. A friend got Gamer involved with Fortnite and for a month and a half straight, Gamer would play Fortnite with his friends for hours on end while I’m there without spending some time with me at ALL. It came to a point where I now have a negative association with that game. Ugh. I get annoyed just seeing the name Fortnite.

So anyway, after a month and a half of it, I finally snapped and I calmly and fully explained to him how I felt about it all. He admitted it was very neglectful of him to do so and he genuinely apologized. Since then, he’s tried to not play video games with his friends.

Fast forward to today: we spent a lot of time together earlier so when he mentioned possibly playing video games with his two friends, I really didn’t mind at all. Well, actually, he said he would but wouldn’t use the mic to talk to them and that he’ll fully play with his friends after I go to bed. But I know that that’s obviously less fun for him and his friends if they can’t all communicate together whilst playing. Besides, after all the hanging out, my introvert self didn’t mind just chilling by myself on the bed for a while. He was so adamant about not playing with his friends, however, that I had to persuade him that I was genuinely okay with it and wasn’t being passive aggressive or anything.

I suggested that we watch a movie later though and eat dinner, and he was totally down for it. We agreed that two hours later, he’ll take a break from gaming. And while I’m on the bed right now, I can see him leaning over to his second monitor every now and then to check the time and make sure he hasn’t gone past the two hour point.

I’m very touched that he follows up on his word and that he tries his best to make me happy too, despite me not being his girlfriend. Not to mention that Gamer tends to get very absorbed into games (to the point he forgets to eat and doesn’t realize what time it is) so the fact that he’s consciously making an effort to keep an eye on the time is even more heart-warming. And I think this is the type of stuff we should see from relationships – be it lovers, friends, or family!

Have a wonderful night everyone, and remember to love yourself first.

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Universal Workings

Gamer is only a friends with benefits, I suppose you can say. But no doubt, I do have things that irk me as a girl and I complain about them to a close girl friend of mine, let’s call her Miso (like Miso Soup, based on an inside nickname between us). I’ve known her since before high school.

Miso and I met on revisit day for our highschool, and coincidentally we ended up in the same dorm as well. We became close friends and even now, 8 years later we stay in regular contact via text messages or face time. She and I are alike in personality and sensitivity levels so it’s always nice to confide in each other because we know the other party will understand where we come from but won’t be overcome with emotion at the time to give rational advice.

The only issue is that since high school ended, we’ve only seen each other twice or so. She’s currently all the way on the other side of the coast in San Francisco working and living by herself. And despite us having identical personalities, we differ in terms of our outgoing levels. I’m a textbook introvert and she’s a textbook extrovert.

Anyway, that’s background on her. So I often tell her things I’m annoyed or upset with regarding Gamer. The funny thing is that most often times not, as soon as I vent to her… the next time I see Gamer, everything is fixed.

The first time I noticed the coincidence, I had vented to Miso about how Gamer hardly texts me first and that I’m starting to feel like I’m annoying him because I’m always the one initiating conversations. Lo and behold, a day or two later, Gamer sends me a text saying hey and mentioning how it’s been so crazy at work lately he couldn’t catch a break.

It’s always been like that. And the other day, I talked to Miso about how for the past month and a half now, he’s been gaming with his friends online while I’m there at his place and that I’d like to at least spend a few hangouts just having it be one on one. We also talked about sex and I mentioned how sex with Gamer is nice – not thrilling, but nice. I’m more adventurous than he is and he’s even told me that he’s not incredibly enthusiastic about sex. I mean, he likes sex obviously but he’s not enthusiastic about being adventurous or anything.

And would you believe it. The next night (last night, actually), Gamer didn’t even chat with his friends set aside play games with them. It was just us two hanging out and having good laughs. And when we had sex, he was more adventurous (relative to his usual self) and catered more to what I liked.

Miso was convinced from earlier moments that it could be the universe working in terms of the law of attraction – me getting what I want. But at this point, we’ve just been joking about how Gamer probably has remote access to my phone haha. Personally, even if Gamer had remote access hypothetically speaking… I honestly am not offended by that thought. I don’t have anything on my phone that’s private or stuff I’m hiding from him or anyone else. It’s legit just photos of my dog and random screenshots. And, as Miso said, if by the 1% chance that it’s true, then at least Gamer is addressing my needs and shit haha.

Gamer also said the sweetest thing last night when I was with him. He was browsing through games he could buy for me or himself, and he suddenly said “I wish you had a PC so I could buy you all of these games.” It was so casual, so little, but so sweet of him.

It’s always the little things! I wanted to write this post mainly because I don’t want to forget the sweet thing he said, but I figured I might as well write about the odd coincidences that’s been happening too.

Chill Gamer – Update

I was reading an old post of mine, “Chill Gamer”, and was amused and also mildly stunned that I wrote that post in 2015. I suppose it’s time for catch up, no?

I had thought initially, right after I wrote that post, that I wouldn’t see Gamer again. That it would be the same old routine of Tinder stories. Meet up with the guy, make empty promises of meeting up again, never make those plans, forget about each other. But surprisingly, here I am today – seeing Gamer three times a week religiously since 2015.

We’re not in a relationship, and over the course of the two years we’ve hung out, he has made it clear that he still isn’t looking for a relationship. I was initially bummed out because, as you can imagine happens to these sorts of situations, I had started to get feelings for him. However, things are back to normal now though (have things ever been normal to begin with though?).

The beginning of our “relationship” was pretty typical. We’d hang out, text when we were confirming plans, and… that was basically it. But over two years it has certainly progressed quite a bit. We still hang out often, whether we have sex or not, we text each other outside of our hangouts, go out for dinner or a movie occasionally, and we began to do gift-giving on holidays, and now even random gift-giving.

Well, the random gift-giving is mainly his side. He knows I like to play video games too so he’s often getting me games I’ve expressed interest in or he thinks I should try out. In general he’s spending a lot of money on me whenever he can and, as a broke college student, I’m grateful but also feel downright terrible. I can’t wait till when I get an actual job so I can start reciprocating on a more equal level, if not totally equal level. Gamer has stated before that even when I earn my own money, he’s still going to pay for shit.

We’ve become close in general too, having lots of inside jokes and being comfortable with each other. I’ve come to learn just how weird and goofy this mature, intelligent boy is. It’s wonderful because now.. we’re weird together! When I was with Magician and I sometimes would act silly, Magician would say “My baby’s weird.” But with Gamer, if I make a weird sound, Gamer will make a weird sound right back at me.

Gamer’s an astute son of a bitch too. He can tell almost instantly if something is wrong with me. One time, I was feeling off because of a panic attack I just had and when I arrived at his place, he opened the door and immediately asked what was wrong. Over text he can also tell what’s wrong with me, and man he never stops pestering me about what’s wrong. He always hopes that he didn’t do anything to piss me off.

Speaking of which, we never fight. Instead, we just have conversations. Often times if something is bothering me, we have a civil talk about it and I explain why I’m upset at him. He’ll apologize for that, then explain his side of the story or explain why he’d want me to be more understanding about something. And then it’s just kind of back and forth conversation until we’re happy and all set. The civil talks really help too – a lot of the old issues I’ve had with him have never come up again because he makes sure he doesn’t do it again and I become more understanding about it.

Gamer always says I should just say it if I’m upset at him so that he knows, but it’s still hard for me to bring issues up. When I was with Magician, anytime I’d bring something up, he’d never try to fix it. He’ll apologize and try to move on, and when I bugged him about how we can fix it, he would get mad and then say that we should break up. It’s affected me to the point where I can’t bring up my feelings because I have this irrational fear that the person I’m with will have a similar attitude. That they’ll get annoyed and think “this is bullshit, I’m here for a good time and you’re getting mad. I’m out.”

Gamer says he’d never react that way, and I know that! But man, I’m still getting used to NOT feeling that way. Sleeping with him is also the best. He got these fuzzy blankets and his room is always a nice warm setting, but not too hot where we can’t cuddle. Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of anxiety and Gamer knows what I’m going through because he used to have depression and, with it, anxiety. Yesterday morning, I woke up at his place and mentioned how I was feeling anxious suddenly again, and Gamer went “aww, you’re okay, nugget” and pulled me back into bed and held me for a while. It really did help!

A lot of my friends joke we’re essentially in a relationship already, and I have to say it definitely feels like we are. But because it feels like one, I’m not feeling any sort of urgency to figure out what we are. I’m happier hanging out with Gamer like this than I have been with previous boyfriends!

All in all, Gamer’s a great, balanced person. He’s a mix of maturity and goofiness, and a mix of being caring but also not taking bullshit. If I think too much about us, I do get confused because everything seems very relationship-y like, but he verbally says he’s not romantically interested in me. From time to time, too, he’ll ask me questions which take me by surprise because he never ever asks me anything (mainly because I tell him everything about me). And so far, the questions he’s asked me have been if I’d ever move to California (his home state), and what my goals were for the future. Hearing him ask me those questions, of all things, make me wonder what he’s thinking. Like if he’s considering, even for a second, a future with me. BUT, of course, I try not to think too much about it in case I’m just getting my hopes up blindly.

For now, we shall see where things go.

Currently, Gamer is having a very busy time at work so our usual Tuesday-Thursday-Saturday hangouts are just Thursday-Saturday. I’m actually eating some truffle chocolates he bought me for Valentine’s day. He said he was hoping to get me a dinosaur or dog stuffed animal but he couldn’t find any good ones so he instead just got me three boxes of chocolates, ha. It’s going to take me ages to finish them because I’m not the biggest chocolate eater.

Oh, also, Magician got engaged to his girlfriend of a year LOL I still dislike him but I’m happy he found someone who’s in the same entertainment field as he is. More compatible and probably a girl more to his liking. But yeah, I still dislike him.

Cheers!

Lonesome Nights

There are days where I feel lonely, and it’s most often an emphasized feeling toward night time or when no one else is at home with me (obviously). It’s a painfully aching emotion in which I can practically feel just how hollow the inside of my body is. Or, at least, it certainly feels like my body is merely an empty cavity.

I find I don’t have anyone I can talk to. Some friends do say that they’ll always be there for me and that I should just let them know when I’m down in the blues, but when the time comes it always seems like they have something better to do and I’m just in the way. Of course, I could be imagining it too.

Right now I’m in bed feeling pretty lonely, and I realized just how nice it is to sleep with someone. I mean quite literally, sleeping next to someone in bed.

When I’m over at Gamer’s apartment and we’re lounging around or I’m sleeping over, we lay next to each other and I find myself being physically clingy. I want to be touching him in some way, be it placing my head on his lap or my legs sprawled over his (I basically act like a cat that knows no boundaries).

When we sleep at nights, the room could be at a warm, cozy temperature and I’m snugggled up against his chest with his arms around me. Just closing my eyes right now I can revaluate how comfy and soothing it is.

Then back at home I’m alone in my queen sized bed, the room at a cooler temperature because, of course, my mom is wary of heating bills.

Its lonesome. But from time to time, throughout the day, I’ll catch a whiff of Gamer’s deodorant on my clothing or hair and I can never stop sniffing it every now and then. It mentally takes me back to his warm room that I might often complain about it being too hot, and I just remember how relaxing it is to sleep with him. To fall asleep in warmth and have someone’s arms around you through the night.

Perhaps my phases of loneliness is due to my getting spoiled from all the comforting moments I get at Gamer’s place. Or maybe, I am physically clingy because I have always been a little lonely to begin with and now just merely am aware of how I feel now and then. Who knows.

Either way, I wish I wasn’t so lonely here and then. Or that I was able to express it to someone. I really dislike this period of my life emotion wise.

Hopefully tonight I’ll be able to go to sleep without these empty but heavy feelings.

A Lonesome Night of Writing

My parents are away in India. My dad left at the end of January and my mom left about two weeks ago. I’m home alone with my cousin and my dog, and it’s quite nice. But right now, I feel a bit lonely. That sinking feeling of loneliness is gently nagging at me from inside my chest. Part of me wants to talk to someone, but another part of me also wants to be alone. My cousin went to go sleep half an hour ago and my dog accompanied her shortly after. I’m sitting on the couch and, man, I wish I could hug someone right now. It is almost that time of the month for me though, and I tend to get period blues so I’m not entirely surprised at this feeling. But it still sucks. I suppose for now, I will do a little writing tidbit because why not? This is from earlier in the day when I was over at Gamer’s place.

 

“Am I fun to hang out with?” Without realizing, I had blurted out the question that was on my mind while looking up at him mindlessly from his lap.

“Yes,” he responded without looking down at me.

“Really?”

“No, I hang out with you three times a week just to make you feel better,” he said jokingly as he glanced down at me with a smile. I let out a small laugh.

“Okay, good, that’s how it should be,” I replied also jokingly before we both looked back at his monitor. He was sitting cross legged on the bed while I had my head resting on the pillow in his lap. With his laptop out in front of him, he was trying to program but we both were a little too mildly interested in the 90’s gameplay that was playing on YouTube in front of us on his monitor. It was warm in his room and my legs were tangled in his blanket, my arms holding onto his arm loosely. Nearby, my laptop was off in the corner with my phone and a raspberry flavored Airheads wrapper gently fluttering back and forth from the fan in the room. A 4pm Sunday afternoon – it doesn’t get more lazy than this.

“Do you think you’re not fun to hang out with?” I turned my head back up at him when he asked that after a few seconds of silence. His eyes were still glued to the monitor as I repeated that question to myself silently.

“Well, no. It’s just I don’t do much when I’m here so I was wondering what it could be about me that’s fun.”

“I have fun hanging out with you, but if you’re bored here you should let me know.” He looked down at me and I shook my head. That’s not what I meant.

My mind flashed back to the first night we met. After a round of hot chocolate, I met up with him again after his work was over and we went to his place. It was an awkward, incredibly polite meet up now that I compare our current hangouts to that November night in 2015. Upon leaving his place, I recall that moment where I walked away from his apartment down the sidewalk at 10pm. The brisk chill in the wind washing over my cheeks as I looked down at the pavement with my hands digging deep into my pockets to keep warm. Well, that’s that. I had thought to myself, trudging toward the train station. I was so sure that I was never going to see him again. So sure that it was like the other guys I met before him – a hit and run type of meet up with those empty words of “we should hang out some time again” and “I’ll text you.” I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever tell him about how I think about that night periodically from awe and pleasant surprise.

“I do have fun with you. I was just wondering,” I smiled genuinely. As repetitive as it may seem, I did enjoy doing the same things over and over with him. Though, sometimes I do wonder what it is about our hangouts that seem fun to him. It’s normally him doing his own thing while I look on from the sidelines. What do I do that’s fun for him?

“Well, you stop thinking that, you fluff nugget,” he smiled jokingly again and squeezed my cheeks with his one hand, making me pout.

“Okay,” I said in a very nasally voice, causing some chuckles to spurt out of both of us. “So, when are you free next?”

“Whenever. You pick the day.”