Motivation Through Discipline

(Go to the 5th paragraph if you wanna skip the lead-up introductory story and jump straight to the point)

Last night, loneliness struck me out of nowhere. The feeling of it was intense and I think it may have been due to the fact I just finished my monthly cycle and was also starting a new birth control prescription. If I had been at home when it happened, no big deal. But I was at Gamer’s place and I was stuck between bursting out in tears in front of him and venting the shit out of my feelings, or keeping it in and quietly willing for the loneliness to pass.

Unfortunately, the first scenario happened in a… less than conventional way. It was nearing 2am and we were lying in bed watching a gameplay of Heroes of Might and Magic on his laptop. Long story short: I silently cried to myself and kept telling Gamer I was alright (he knew immediately something was up and kept asking if I was sure everything was okay) for about an hour. But finally, he caught up with me and went all “Are you crying?? What’s wrong? Tell me, you butt.” And you know how it goes. When someone asks what’s wrong or if you’re crying, you fucking cry like a broken fire hydrant.

At that point, I was still lying on his arm, but facing away from him. (I said my nose was stuffy on one side, which it was – from crying, ha.) He started comforting me while I was still facing away from him, holding onto his arm like a koala, and trying to gather my words together through the crying.

But after a few moments, I finally told him what was up with me and, maybe it was because it was the late hours of the night, I told him much more than just the loneliness. I told him how I often felt insecure and how I had trouble really believing people cared about me since my relationship with my douche of an ex. (I couldn’t continue from the crying, but I meant to say that it often feels like people just come to me when they need something.) I even told him that I thought one flaw of mine was that I get attached very easily and that one day it’s probably gonna ruin me. I said it pretty vaguely so perhaps Gamer thought I meant in general how being attached will ruin me. But deep down, I meant with him. I knew that one day (in who knows how many years from now), he’s going to permanently move back to California and my being attached is certainly going to make letting it go difficult. But I suppose that’s another problem for another distant day.

Anyway, my point of this post is that Gamer was very insightful while he held me and patted my head comfortingly. He told me that if I set goals and ambitions for myself in life and work toward those, then pretty soon little things like caring about how other people see me or such will just become minor things that I can shrug off. He opened up too and told me that when he first moved to Boston, shortly after his hard breakup with his ex of four years, he cared a lot about how other people saw him and he would try hard to validate himself through other people. But soon, work goals took over and now that that is his number 1 priority, he finds people naturally come to him more now because of how real he’s being with himself and in life in general.

I don’t really… act differently or try hard to validate myself through other people (I don’t even reach out to people much to be honest), but I certainly see what he was saying. I opened up some more saying that I have these big goals and dreams in my mind, but I lack motivation and drive.

And here, Gamer said that this is where discipline comes into play. He is a person who naturally has drive and motivation, but if one doesn’t have those aspects, then they need to practice discipline. Discipline yourself into working hard toward your ambitions, but take slow steps. Each day, start with dedicating maybe 30 minutes of your time to researching your potential career or working on your large life goals, and soon enough the discipline will turn into a habit.

It opened my eyes and I realize today that yeah, I might not have instinctive motivation inside me, but that doesn’t mean I wait around for the drive to show up. I need to work on making myself better. And I have to start one little step at a time.

Who knows, everyone, maybe now is the time when I change myself for the better. I vow to become a stronger, independent person and to focus on the important things in life.

We talked for a long time, but when we wrapped the chat session up it was about 4:30am. To be honest, I don’t know what’s going to happen between Gamer and me, but if we continue to stay as ‘friends’ and not take things to the next level… I’ll be okay with that. And then when the time comes where he has to go back home forever, perhaps I’ll have changed and be strong enough to not be so devastated by his leaving.

Lonesome Nights

There are days where I feel lonely, and it’s most often an emphasized feeling toward night time or when no one else is at home with me (obviously). It’s a painfully aching emotion in which I can practically feel just how hollow the inside of my body is. Or, at least, it certainly feels like my body is merely an empty cavity.

I find I don’t have anyone I can talk to. Some friends do say that they’ll always be there for me and that I should just let them know when I’m down in the blues, but when the time comes it always seems like they have something better to do and I’m just in the way. Of course, I could be imagining it too.

Right now I’m in bed feeling pretty lonely, and I realized just how nice it is to sleep with someone. I mean quite literally, sleeping next to someone in bed.

When I’m over at Gamer’s apartment and we’re lounging around or I’m sleeping over, we lay next to each other and I find myself being physically clingy. I want to be touching him in some way, be it placing my head on his lap or my legs sprawled over his (I basically act like a cat that knows no boundaries).

When we sleep at nights, the room could be at a warm, cozy temperature and I’m snugggled up against his chest with his arms around me. Just closing my eyes right now I can revaluate how comfy and soothing it is.

Then back at home I’m alone in my queen sized bed, the room at a cooler temperature because, of course, my mom is wary of heating bills.

Its lonesome. But from time to time, throughout the day, I’ll catch a whiff of Gamer’s deodorant on my clothing or hair and I can never stop sniffing it every now and then. It mentally takes me back to his warm room that I might often complain about it being too hot, and I just remember how relaxing it is to sleep with him. To fall asleep in warmth and have someone’s arms around you through the night.

Perhaps my phases of loneliness is due to my getting spoiled from all the comforting moments I get at Gamer’s place. Or maybe, I am physically clingy because I have always been a little lonely to begin with and now just merely am aware of how I feel now and then. Who knows.

Either way, I wish I wasn’t so lonely here and then. Or that I was able to express it to someone. I really dislike this period of my life emotion wise.

Hopefully tonight I’ll be able to go to sleep without these empty but heavy feelings.

A Lonesome Night of Writing

My parents are away in India. My dad left at the end of January and my mom left about two weeks ago. I’m home alone with my cousin and my dog, and it’s quite nice. But right now, I feel a bit lonely. That sinking feeling of loneliness is gently nagging at me from inside my chest. Part of me wants to talk to someone, but another part of me also wants to be alone. My cousin went to go sleep half an hour ago and my dog accompanied her shortly after. I’m sitting on the couch and, man, I wish I could hug someone right now. It is almost that time of the month for me though, and I tend to get period blues so I’m not entirely surprised at this feeling. But it still sucks. I suppose for now, I will do a little writing tidbit because why not? This is from earlier in the day when I was over at Gamer’s place.

 

“Am I fun to hang out with?” Without realizing, I had blurted out the question that was on my mind while looking up at him mindlessly from his lap.

“Yes,” he responded without looking down at me.

“Really?”

“No, I hang out with you three times a week just to make you feel better,” he said jokingly as he glanced down at me with a smile. I let out a small laugh.

“Okay, good, that’s how it should be,” I replied also jokingly before we both looked back at his monitor. He was sitting cross legged on the bed while I had my head resting on the pillow in his lap. With his laptop out in front of him, he was trying to program but we both were a little too mildly interested in the 90’s gameplay that was playing on YouTube in front of us on his monitor. It was warm in his room and my legs were tangled in his blanket, my arms holding onto his arm loosely. Nearby, my laptop was off in the corner with my phone and a raspberry flavored Airheads wrapper gently fluttering back and forth from the fan in the room. A 4pm Sunday afternoon – it doesn’t get more lazy than this.

“Do you think you’re not fun to hang out with?” I turned my head back up at him when he asked that after a few seconds of silence. His eyes were still glued to the monitor as I repeated that question to myself silently.

“Well, no. It’s just I don’t do much when I’m here so I was wondering what it could be about me that’s fun.”

“I have fun hanging out with you, but if you’re bored here you should let me know.” He looked down at me and I shook my head. That’s not what I meant.

My mind flashed back to the first night we met. After a round of hot chocolate, I met up with him again after his work was over and we went to his place. It was an awkward, incredibly polite meet up now that I compare our current hangouts to that November night in 2015. Upon leaving his place, I recall that moment where I walked away from his apartment down the sidewalk at 10pm. The brisk chill in the wind washing over my cheeks as I looked down at the pavement with my hands digging deep into my pockets to keep warm. Well, that’s that. I had thought to myself, trudging toward the train station. I was so sure that I was never going to see him again. So sure that it was like the other guys I met before him – a hit and run type of meet up with those empty words of “we should hang out some time again” and “I’ll text you.” I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever tell him about how I think about that night periodically from awe and pleasant surprise.

“I do have fun with you. I was just wondering,” I smiled genuinely. As repetitive as it may seem, I did enjoy doing the same things over and over with him. Though, sometimes I do wonder what it is about our hangouts that seem fun to him. It’s normally him doing his own thing while I look on from the sidelines. What do I do that’s fun for him?

“Well, you stop thinking that, you fluff nugget,” he smiled jokingly again and squeezed my cheeks with his one hand, making me pout.

“Okay,” I said in a very nasally voice, causing some chuckles to spurt out of both of us. “So, when are you free next?”

“Whenever. You pick the day.”

Late Night Story

Hi everyone,

It’s been a long while since I last posted. To be honest, nothing super exciting has been happening. So, since it’s been a while and I still feel the need to post something, here is a little tidbit I wrote. Often times, a moment will suddenly give me the need to write it down in story form. The following piece was written down the day after it happened, and I remember in the moment one sentence stuck out to me for a while: “… no more words were exchanged as we retired for the night.” I changed the sentence once I began editing it, but that’s where the piece stemmed from. That one sentence. And that’s normally how most of my stories begin, from one random sentence that sticks to my mind until I write it down and then expand around it. So, please enjoy! It’s actually quite a bit longer, so I cut it down a bit for this post. Sorry if it seems a bit abrupt or such in some areas :) This takes place a few weeks ago when I spent the night at Gamer’s place.

It was nearing 3am, and my eyes were so strained it didn’t even feel comfortable to close them. I took off the shirt he lent me and placed it next to me against the wall in a crumpled fashion before lying down, enjoying the comfort of my head sinking into the pillow. Returning from the bathroom earlier, I had turned the lights off and now only the blue lights of his dual monitors across the room and his bright laptop nearby illuminated the room in an oddly soothing way. It was clear our introverted selves had enough of mindless chatter for the night and I could tell both of our minds had sunken down to a level where having a conversation did not seem like the most appealing idea.

His room was chillier than usual – at 72 degrees – the perfect temperature for me to wrap the blanket around me and be cozy. I brought the blanket up to my chest and tucked it neatly under my arms before glancing down by my feet. I was unable to completely stretch out my legs because he was lying horizontally, his back to me as he was still on his laptop looking at Pokemon source codes. He seemed wide awake, compared to earlier when he was dozing off while we were on the 5th YouTube episode of Pokemon glitches.

Wanting to stretch out, I scootched over and awkwardly pushed my legs past his arm and ended up in an odd curved position. Perhaps he realized that I was attempting to sleep or that it was getting incredibly late because he got up to come to lie in bed as well, bringing his laptop along.

“Chillin’?” He smiled at me as he moved toward the pillow, his laptop balanced on one hand and his laptop’s light reflecting off of his black rimmed glasses. I smiled and nodded in response. “Chillin’? Like a villain? On penicillin?” Letting out a laugh, I looked at him in a slightly quizzical way.

“What? That’s new,” I giggled as I moved over a bit more to give him room. He set his laptop down on the piano bench and plugged in his earphones – looks like tonight he’s not playing the video out loud. At first glance, it’s amusing to see a piano bench next to his bed, but it was conveniently level with the bed so one could place multiple items on it. He had brought the bench months ago into his room from the piano in the dining room so that there was a flat surface to put our Indian take out on. And it’s been in his room ever since.

As was done every night, he began his nightly YouTube search of a lengthy, commentated gameplay to lull him to sleep. Tonight, he searched up a random gameplay of The Binding of Isaac: Rebirth on his favorite YouTube channel, a game that he’s been resorting to for the past couple weeks.

“I said that to you earlier, remember?” he let out a chuckle as well as he placed his glasses next to his laptop and lay down, putting in one earphone to listen to the gameplay. He glanced at me and moved his arm above my head. In response, I swept my hair to my free side and raised my head so that we’d transition into our default sleeping position.

“Oh yeah, that’s right you did.” I then briefly remembered him asking me that earlier in the day when I was lying on his bed reading while he worked on the game he was programming by himself. Resting my head partly on his chest, I snuggled up to him and rested a relaxed fist on his chest while he wrapped his arms around me comfortably. 

That was all we said that night as I closed my eyes and we both retired for the night. The white noise of the fan whirred in the background but was soon forgotten about as I subconsciously matched my breathing with his rising and falling chest. He had a faint but very familiar smell lingering on his skin. I still wasn’t sure if it was from his Jimmy Choo’s Man cologne or his Old Spice body wash even after months of being with him, but whatever it was, I loved it. Nothing has ever soothed me as much as that scent has and, as always, I could practically feel my entire mind relax as I breathed it in. 

A few minutes later, I was nearly dozing off but the sound of his his heartbeat speeding up disrupted that. It thumped loudly, but perhaps that was because my ear was right above his heart. He’s having a panic attack. I uncurled the loose fist that was formed on his chest and lightly traced my long fingernails up and down a small area of his chest without moving my hand.

It wasn’t much and I knew it probably wasn’t going to make a big difference, but I hoped it helped a little bit. Shortly after, his fast and loud heartbeat subsided back to normal and I stopped the light scratches, glad to see it was over. Panic attacks suck, and I still have no idea how he manages to keep a straight face on when he goes through one. Granted, he’s been getting them constantly since he was a child. I turned on my side and relaxed, hoping for my mind to descend into the haziness of sleep soon. He shifted along with me and I felt his arm slip over my bare waist and hold me close. Comforted by his soft, even breathing by my ear, I let out a breath of contentment as the quiet night settled on us peacefully.

Train Anxiety

Last night I was on my way home to sleep over at Gamer’s place (every time I post, it has something to do with Gamer. I swear I have more things in life, it just seems like all the post-worthy things occur on days I’m with Gamer), and I had another bad anxiety attack.

All day I was feeling a bit mellow for no particular reason, so I suppose I wasn’t in the best position to resist an anxiety attack to begin with. But anyway, I was switching train lines and walking down the long underground tunnel to catch the next appropriate train, and I began to feel the anxiety creep up on me slightly. I felt my heart beat a little harder and faster for no reason at all, but it felt minor so I was able to push it away from my mind for about ten minutes.

Because it was a Friday night, there were quite a lot more people going out and about on the train (all dressed up with friends and such). They were in a good mood I could see, as they were loud and chatty. I could tell they were loud even through my earphones. Two people were even dancing to their own music. Friday vibes, huh?

The train was especially humid and stuffy too (I think it was a combination of weather and also a crowded train), so it didn’t really help my situation. Because it was so crowded, loud and stuffy, I felt worse. My heart started going INSANE with its beats, I felt so uncomfortable in my clothes (like I was hot but not hot at the same time), restless, fidgety… I didn’t have a seat to sit down so I was constantly shifting from one leg to the other, trying to stop being so restless.

I hadn’t had a bad anxiety attack like that since January… Anywho, about four stops into the train ride underground, I reached my peak. I felt like I was about to burst into tears any moment and I really failed this time to calm myself down. I texted my friend, gonna call her Diva (one of my greatest friends, one I can rely on always), and she helped distract me for the remaining two stops I had to endure. Thank god too ’cause if she hadn’t I would not have been able to handle the rest of the short ride.

Once I got off the train, I felt more at ease but I still didn’t feel all too myself. So once I exited the station, I sat down on this little stone wall a few feet away from the station doors. It wasn’t too cold out, but the slight night breeze helped calm me down slightly. Not to mention fresh air! I sat there for maybe 15 minutes just breathing slowly and deeply and worked at trying to calm myself down.

I thought I felt well enough to head over to Gamer’s place, but on my way there it came back. Not as bad, thankfully, but just enough to make me still not feel like myself. I felt kinda bad that Gamer had to greet me when I probably wasn’t so cheery but he was very nice about it. Gamer has a panic disorder himself so he’s very well aware of what it’s like (although he has it much worse than me). He noticed right away that something was wrong, and when I told him I was in the middle of an anxiety attack, he told me to lie down, relax, drink some water and listen to some music while he went to shower. And it did help haha when he came back into the room later, I did feel more myself.

Yeah but anyway, that was a great start to my weekend *rolls eyes.* I had fun at Gamer’s place though. We learned some Japanese (to be honest I already forgot most of it) and I was pleasantly surprised to see how interested Gamer was. Seeing him so into it kind of rekindled my interest in learning Chinese haha.

Anyway, it’s late now. I’m tired and am going to go sleep. Good night everyone!