A Lonesome Night of Writing

My parents are away in India. My dad left at the end of January and my mom left about two weeks ago. I’m home alone with my cousin and my dog, and it’s quite nice. But right now, I feel a bit lonely. That sinking feeling of loneliness is gently nagging at me from inside my chest. Part of me wants to talk to someone, but another part of me also wants to be alone. My cousin went to go sleep half an hour ago and my dog accompanied her shortly after. I’m sitting on the couch and, man, I wish I could hug someone right now. It is almost that time of the month for me though, and I tend to get period blues so I’m not entirely surprised at this feeling. But it still sucks. I suppose for now, I will do a little writing tidbit because why not? This is from earlier in the day when I was over at Gamer’s place.

 

“Am I fun to hang out with?” Without realizing, I had blurted out the question that was on my mind while looking up at him mindlessly from his lap.

“Yes,” he responded without looking down at me.

“Really?”

“No, I hang out with you three times a week just to make you feel better,” he said jokingly as he glanced down at me with a smile. I let out a small laugh.

“Okay, good, that’s how it should be,” I replied also jokingly before we both looked back at his monitor. He was sitting cross legged on the bed while I had my head resting on the pillow in his lap. With his laptop out in front of him, he was trying to program but we both were a little too mildly interested in the 90’s gameplay that was playing on YouTube in front of us on his monitor. It was warm in his room and my legs were tangled in his blanket, my arms holding onto his arm loosely. Nearby, my laptop was off in the corner with my phone and a raspberry flavored Airheads wrapper gently fluttering back and forth from the fan in the room. A 4pm Sunday afternoon – it doesn’t get more lazy than this.

“Do you think you’re not fun to hang out with?” I turned my head back up at him when he asked that after a few seconds of silence. His eyes were still glued to the monitor as I repeated that question to myself silently.

“Well, no. It’s just I don’t do much when I’m here so I was wondering what it could be about me that’s fun.”

“I have fun hanging out with you, but if you’re bored here you should let me know.” He looked down at me and I shook my head. That’s not what I meant.

My mind flashed back to the first night we met. After a round of hot chocolate, I met up with him again after his work was over and we went to his place. It was an awkward, incredibly polite meet up now that I compare our current hangouts to that November night in 2015. Upon leaving his place, I recall that moment where I walked away from his apartment down the sidewalk at 10pm. The brisk chill in the wind washing over my cheeks as I looked down at the pavement with my hands digging deep into my pockets to keep warm. Well, that’s that. I had thought to myself, trudging toward the train station. I was so sure that I was never going to see him again. So sure that it was like the other guys I met before him – a hit and run type of meet up with those empty words of “we should hang out some time again” and “I’ll text you.” I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever tell him about how I think about that night periodically from awe and pleasant surprise.

“I do have fun with you. I was just wondering,” I smiled genuinely. As repetitive as it may seem, I did enjoy doing the same things over and over with him. Though, sometimes I do wonder what it is about our hangouts that seem fun to him. It’s normally him doing his own thing while I look on from the sidelines. What do I do that’s fun for him?

“Well, you stop thinking that, you fluff nugget,” he smiled jokingly again and squeezed my cheeks with his one hand, making me pout.

“Okay,” I said in a very nasally voice, causing some chuckles to spurt out of both of us. “So, when are you free next?”

“Whenever. You pick the day.”

The Need for Solitude

Quite a few things have happened, but I’ll skip over them because they’re not highly important (or at least, important enough for me to put in the time and energy to make a post about them). All in all, I am single and no longer dating.

The main thing I wanted to talk about was about how I feel pretty… Well, I can’t find the right word about this but I’ll elaborate.

Lately, I’ve been feeling the urge to get out of the house more. Not necessarily to hang out with friends, but just get out even if it means doing nothing by myself. I have things to do around the house, so it’s not like I won’t be bored. I suppose I feel pretty suffocated regardless inside these walls. Not only that, but I also have a feeling of wanting to be away from my usual everyday things like my family.

Tomorrow, I’m going to head out to a Starbucks with my laptop around 12 and then wait for my friend to meet me with her boyfriend around 7:30pm. I have no idea what I’m going to do till then, but I feel like it’s much better than staying indoors. My mom tried telling me to go to the local bookstore near her workplace to do homework, but that didn’t appeal to me. That was when I realized I just wanted to be away from family too.

It may be the urge to just be alone by myself. I find myself climbing on top of this mountain behind my house often nowadays too and just sitting by myself (with my dog too). Heck, I’ll be on my phone and texting and being on social media or listening to music, but I, in general, get an urge to be away from my everyday life and do my own thing.

I think that (the wanting to be alone) is the contributing factor as to why I have a severe case of nostalgia for India. I miss it so much!! I miss the beautiful views, the quietness in the morning except for occasional barking, the stray dogs themselves, the vibe of relaxation… I miss it all.

Here are two pictures I took from the roof of my dorm when I was attending that Tibetan program there.

IMG_1139

IMG_0541

My nostalgia for my birthplace is so large, majority of my recent Instagram pictures are of the country from last summer and putting captions about how much I miss India and other more specific aspects of it. I even made that first picture my Facebook cover photo.

I will probably be bored tomorrow, but I’m sure it’ll be okay. I might just roam around Boston itself and sit in places (though it’ll be pretty cold…).

Good night everyone and hope everyone has a wonderful day/night.

Disheartening News

It’s been a long while since I’ve posted. I think. I haven’t exactly looked to see what my latest post has been. I’m just writing a post on the spot right now.

I know most sad posts would go on to my other blog, but I feel like posting it here:

My mom’s father might possibly be in the early stages of a brain tumor. It’s not confirmed, the doctors are going to do another test to reconfirm, but my mom’s sure it’s pretty much confirmed. It’s disheartening because my grandparents live all the way across the world in India, as you guys might know, so it’s hard for my mother to really get in touch with my grandpa as intimately as possible.

I won’t go into big details here, but long story short my mom and her father haven’t been talking to each other in two years because of a little dispute, but now my mom’s been calling him here and there after she found out from her father’s neighbor that he’s been acting a bit strange lately. Just now she was crying on the couch while my dad was comforting her in his own way.

She’s planning on leaving to India around mid-September for a whole month to visit her dad and I think it’s good that she does. Even before I’ve always kind of hoped my mom would eventually talk to my grandpa because honestly, he’s getting older and if he was to pass away before they talked, my mom would obviously regret it her whole life sooner or later. So as much as this event is unfortunate, I’m glad my mom will be taking the chance to talk to my grandpa.

On another note, it should be interesting to see how life at home will be without my mom around for a whole month. I remember one time she went on a weekend business trip and boy… the house was an absolute mess. Clearly dad and I could see how much we needed mom around haha and that was the day my instincts in cleaning up started sparking. Mom’s already teaching me how to do the bills too while she’s gone.

I hope I’ll be able to handle things around the house while she’s gone. And on a much more irrelevant note.. I’m now officially in a relationship! (: More on that another time…

Have a great night everyone.

Solo Trip to India + A Guy I’m Dating??

It has, once again, been a while since I posted. I think? There hasn’t been much going since, but there will be soon.

Firstly, I’ll be going to India by myself on Monday (day after tomorrow)! I’ll be gone all of July and coming back on August 7th. I’m going there to attend this Tibetan program that teaches about Tibetan Buddhism, meditation, culture and language. I’m pretty excited for it, and besides me there are I believe about 10 other people. That’s a nice ‘class’ size in my personal opinion.

The last time I went to India was in 2005 (almost a decade ago, wow) to visit relatives for the first time so I have somewhat vague memories of my trip with my parents. Now, I’ll (hopefully) have very memorable experiences there, especially ’cause I’ll be going alone. Not to mention, this’ll be the first time in 17 years that I’ll be going back to my birthplace – Dharamsala! I left and came to America when I was about 3 or 4 years old.

Also, I’m planning on creating another blog dedicated for my trip to India. I’m thinking of trying to post something everyday with pictures and all – almost like a public journal. I’ll post a link to it once it’s all done and ready (I have to think of a nice title for it too…) so that you guys can check it out if you’re interested in my solo trip to India!

On another itty-bitty note, I’ve met a guy and have been dating him for a few weeks. Ever heard of the app Tinder? Yeah, I always thought it was just for fun and stuff, and I got it when I was bored in bed one late night. So I was pretty surprised when it actually worked out. I eventually ended up talking to this guy who lives relatively nearby. I would tell you more about him, but I don’t want to sell out his identity without his permission, and I don’t believe he knows I have a blog quite yet haha and I intend to keep it that way. I feel quite embarrassed when people I know read my blog, hence why I keep a lot of my personal stuff private (like my name, school names, location, etc). I’m already sure that if someone I know stumbled across this blog, they’ll probably figure out it was me. Hard to explain, but just a feeling I have.

Anyway, we set up a date and gosh, I was nervous as fuck when the day came. I mean, it was the first time going on a date with a guy I have never met and just started talking to over an app/online. It went well though. It turns out we had a lot in common, and I was pretty surprised by it. And he’s also the first guy I’ve met that genuinely made me feel 100% comfortable with my body. I can say that he’s an overall awesome guy.

Our first date was pretty interesting. He’s really easygoing and it wasn’t awkward at all because we were both conversational people. Though I will admit, he was a bit of a talker so I was kind of in a “big sigh” mood whenever that happened. One of the things I’m not very fond of is when they talk too much about themselves unless I actually ask them about it. He has a talent that he’s really good at (like seriously good at) and I was all fascinated by it, but I was really hoping that he wouldn’t be a bragger about it on the date. He wasn’t exactly cocky about it, but he did raise it up now and then. I know he probably just wanted to impress me (he doesn’t do it much now that we’re really dating), but really though… a cocky guy is a no-no for me (not that he was cocky at all about it, just a little…. you know, too proud of it).

Besides that, all good points. I like him and am dating him because he had a bunch of pro’s that outweighed his con’s. He’s pretty bold (compared to other guys I’ve dated/was in a relationship with). For example, he held my hand as soon as we got out of his car and had no hesitation in putting his arm around me as soon as the movie began (we watched Edge of Tomorrow, which I wasn’t quite excited about when he recommended it but I didn’t know any other movie I wanted to badly see, plus it was better than I thought). I remember going to the movies with a guy a few years ago and he was older than me by a few years and I knew he wanted to hold my hand but he didn’t until literally the last ten-twenty minutes of the movie (that too, I was the one who ended up holding his hand).

I won’t lie, already a day or two after our first date, it really felt like we were in a relationship. Maybe that was just me. So yeah, we’ve been dating for about two-three weeks and there has been a few instances where I almost blurted out ‘I love you.’ No, I don’t mean the deep, relationship-like ‘I love you.’ More of the casual, “you’re so funny I love you.” Does that make sense? Like there were a few times he pretended to be hurt by something I teased him about and I would almost say “haha I’m sorry I love you.” I hope I’m being clear in the type of ‘I love you’ I meant haha. But of course, I didn’t because I didn’t want to give the wrong impression/underlying meaning of that phrase.

You know, it’s funny because all of my boyfriends have been guys who were older than me by at least a year. My luck with guys my age/in my grade has always been horrible. I’ve had a few crushes/love pursuits that always failed. But come a guy who was at least grade older than me, I was pretty damn successful.

First boyfriend was in eighth grade, three years older, Tibetan, broke up with him ’cause he was too romantic plus wanted to start a new chapter since I was going to be a boarder in high school. Second one I don’t consider a legit boyfriend because it lasted two weeks and I broke up with him because he was so awkward. Not cute awkward. Awkward awkward. Legitimate second boyfriend was my sophomore year, his junior year and lasted 6 months. Broke up with him because he was too clingy and romantic. Third and recent boyfriend was my junior spring, his senior spring and lasted three months. He broke up with me because he was going to college in Cali and long distance never really works out, especially when you don’t know each other THAT well before you part.

Not to mention, my freshman year I dated a senior for a short time. We’re still good friends. Now, regarding guys in my grade, I can count about…. 5 or 6 guys I’ve had a crush on but never worked out because they weren’t interested in me. It’s strange when I think about it ’cause I thought it’d be the opposite, but hey I ain’t complaining.

So now I’m dating a guy who’s about three years older than me. And I’m wondering where this will lead us. He’s pretty darn sweet (he read up on Epilepsy when he found out and told me about some treatments, i.e. weed haha which is true, I’ve heard of it before). To be honest, I thought he’d be one of those guys that kind of uses a girl for sexual means but he turned out to be the opposite and I’m really glad I met him. We really understand each other. Heck, on our first date we got pretty personal and talked about life and religion haha. Apologies to the older readers for having to bear through my love life rant. I just had to let it out haha.

Anyway… India! Again, I’ll post a link to my new blog once it’s up and running :)

Intro + A Pet’s Life

Hey everyone! Been a while since I’ve posted. It’s because college decisions are coming out, so I was on edge for the past (at least) week. Some bad news, some good news. It’s been good. I didn’t get into my dream college, so my mom has been really bummed about that. You know how my mom has worked hard since we came to America so that I’d have a good future… I mean, I’ve gotten into other really good colleges, but my mom’s still a bit bitter about it. More on this in my other blog… Which by the way, I’ll be putting the link in my About page so it’s easier to get to if you’re curious.

So what hit me last night, was about pets in general. If you think about it, they’re going to be pretty much cooped up in the house almost all their lives. They’ll step outside for walks everyday, (that too most likely routine walks down the same neighborhood) maybe a trip to the dog park which isn’t exactly always exciting to begin with, it’s just a stretch of land with other dogs to mingle with. And then cats who are usually let out to explore the world and then come back home to you. Birds especially, man. They’re in a small cage all their lives. Let out to stretch their wings, but able to fly only in the house. They won’t really be able to see the outside world at all.

I remembered my visit to India summer of ’05 then after thinking about that. In case you don’t know, the dogs there are absolutely free. They roam up and down the streets without a care because no one else gives a shit. They do what they want and they’re happy. I remember one time, I saw a small, black puppy (maybe a year old or so) lying on the side of the road taking a nap. And I’m not lying when I say that that puppy was clearly happy. It wasn’t scared, disturbed or anything. It was enjoying the sunshine and I was actually a bit struck by that.

My maternal grandparents, they don’t own any pets, but there’s always this stray dog that stays with them. He’ll roam around, but in the end he’ll lounge around in their yard and bark at intruders or whatever. Huge black one. Kind of intimidating, but pretty friendly (I remember hesitating to pet it when I was alone but then it leaned forward and wagged its tail a lot. Made me happy). My grandparents always shoo it away, but it seems pretty loyal alright haha. I heard that a while ago, the stray dog brought a brown girlfriend with him and now she’s given birth to five puppies. Can’t wait to visit my grandparents soon, see how they’re holding up haha.

So, if a stray dog is ever so loyal to a family he doesn’t belong to and whom doesn’t even want him, then is it realistic/possible to think that the pets we love and own would come back to us by the end of the day if we let them roam around outside? I feel like it’s unlikely. Don’t know why, but just seems so.

But I wonder if it’s better for pets to live in, compared to India, luxurious homes and having all these toys, rich food, a soft bed and etc. or living in poor conditions but able to have all this freedom from the moment they’re born.

For me, it’s an interesting thing to talk about. Would you guys agree? I think from now on, I’m going to take my dog out whenever and wherever I can. I want him to explore and be able to enjoy the world from outside our neighborhood. Although, I think my dad’s beat me to that. He took him to a beach a while ago haha apparently my dog loved it and came back completely dead and exhausted. I can’t wait to take him there as well.

Now, I am off. For I have promised my dad to make him a Facebook account. I’m actually pretty excited to welcome him on Facebook. See you guys later!