Motivation Through Discipline

(Go to the 5th paragraph if you wanna skip the lead-up introductory story and jump straight to the point)

Last night, loneliness struck me out of nowhere. The feeling of it was intense and I think it may have been due to the fact I just finished my monthly cycle and was also starting a new birth control prescription. If I had been at home when it happened, no big deal. But I was at Gamer’s place and I was stuck between bursting out in tears in front of him and venting the shit out of my feelings, or keeping it in and quietly willing for the loneliness to pass.

Unfortunately, the first scenario happened in a… less than conventional way. It was nearing 2am and we were lying in bed watching a gameplay of Heroes of Might and Magic on his laptop. Long story short: I silently cried to myself and kept telling Gamer I was alright (he knew immediately something was up and kept asking if I was sure everything was okay) for about an hour. But finally, he caught up with me and went all “Are you crying?? What’s wrong? Tell me, you butt.” And you know how it goes. When someone asks what’s wrong or if you’re crying, you fucking cry like a broken fire hydrant.

At that point, I was still lying on his arm, but facing away from him. (I said my nose was stuffy on one side, which it was – from crying, ha.) He started comforting me while I was still facing away from him, holding onto his arm like a koala, and trying to gather my words together through the crying.

But after a few moments, I finally told him what was up with me and, maybe it was because it was the late hours of the night, I told him much more than just the loneliness. I told him how I often felt insecure and how I had trouble really believing people cared about me since my relationship with my douche of an ex. (I couldn’t continue from the crying, but I meant to say that it often feels like people just come to me when they need something.) I even told him that I thought one flaw of mine was that I get attached very easily and that one day it’s probably gonna ruin me. I said it pretty vaguely so perhaps Gamer thought I meant in general how being attached will ruin me. But deep down, I meant with him. I knew that one day (in who knows how many years from now), he’s going to permanently move back to California and my being attached is certainly going to make letting it go difficult. But I suppose that’s another problem for another distant day.

Anyway, my point of this post is that Gamer was very insightful while he held me and patted my head comfortingly. He told me that if I set goals and ambitions for myself in life and work toward those, then pretty soon little things like caring about how other people see me or such will just become minor things that I can shrug off. He opened up too and told me that when he first moved to Boston, shortly after his hard breakup with his ex of four years, he cared a lot about how other people saw him and he would try hard to validate himself through other people. But soon, work goals took over and now that that is his number 1 priority, he finds people naturally come to him more now because of how real he’s being with himself and in life in general.

I don’t really… act differently or try hard to validate myself through other people (I don’t even reach out to people much to be honest), but I certainly see what he was saying. I opened up some more saying that I have these big goals and dreams in my mind, but I lack motivation and drive.

And here, Gamer said that this is where discipline comes into play. He is a person who naturally has drive and motivation, but if one doesn’t have those aspects, then they need to practice discipline. Discipline yourself into working hard toward your ambitions, but take slow steps. Each day, start with dedicating maybe 30 minutes of your time to researching your potential career or working on your large life goals, and soon enough the discipline will turn into a habit.

It opened my eyes and I realize today that yeah, I might not have instinctive motivation inside me, but that doesn’t mean I wait around for the drive to show up. I need to work on making myself better. And I have to start one little step at a time.

Who knows, everyone, maybe now is the time when I change myself for the better. I vow to become a stronger, independent person and to focus on the important things in life.

We talked for a long time, but when we wrapped the chat session up it was about 4:30am. To be honest, I don’t know what’s going to happen between Gamer and me, but if we continue to stay as ‘friends’ and not take things to the next level… I’ll be okay with that. And then when the time comes where he has to go back home forever, perhaps I’ll have changed and be strong enough to not be so devastated by his leaving.


The Future Sixth Mass Extinction

So I’m slightly mildly more than a little concerned for our planet Earth. I mean, I always have been in the past but that worry has increased quite a bit last night.

I read an article reporting thousands of dead squids washing up on the shores of the Santa Maria island in Costa Rica. So that’s already devastating and shocking enough. Have you guys seen the pictures? You’d think ‘thousands’ is exaggerating but, man, they were not kidding. You can hardly tell the individual squids apart because they’re all squished together.

It’s more alarming though because a few weeks ago, there was another article stating that hundreds of dead sea lions had also washed up in northern Chile. Now it’s already a huge problem – two different species all dying and washing up somewhere. Obviously, there’s something in the waters.

In many of the articles, both situations seem to share the speculation of rising sea temperatures being the reason for these mass deaths. In addition, some articles regarding the dead squids have reported that it may also be due to low oxygen levels in the sea (there were other man-related reasons given, but I’m focusing on these two natural ones).

For me, this sounds familiar. As a paleontologist enthusiast, I’ve spent some time learning about the land before time (joke). To some people, this may not be news, but here goes anyway.

So we’ve learned about the great dinosaur extinction that pretty much wiped out every life organism except for the hardy mammals and others. But in addition to that, there has been four other mass extinctions prior to that one. Three of them occurred before the Triassic era (when dinosaurs first came), and one of them occurred during the dinosaur age (between the Triassic and Jurassic era). And obviously, the fifth one being the death of all dinosaurs (sadly).

Now, I don’t know much about the two extinctions regarding dinosaurs, but I do know that the three mass extinctions before the Triassic era had to do with the sea and oxygen levels. One of them, the Permian (right before the Triassic era) mass extinction was one of THE largest mass extinctions. It’s even been nicknamed “The Great Dying” because an overwhelming 96% of life died out in that extinction. All of the life we have today comes from the remaining 4% of life that survived.

The reasons for those three mass extinctions had numerous different reasons, such as volcanic activity, melting of ice glaciers, etc. But all of them also involved a drop in oxygen levels or a change in sea temperature. These extinctions didn’t happen suddenly at once like the asteroid demolishing the dinosaur race, they happened slowly over time. But they happened fast enough that animals couldn’t adapt over generations and caused them to die out.

It’s essentially what’s happening now. Climate change today is quickly (in universe time, it’s pretty quick) changing the earth and repeating the same common theme that all the mass extinctions had. I’m not saying we are in the middle of another mass extinction… but it sure as heck seems like we’re about to be in one. Not to mention, paleontologists who have studied the mass extinctions more in depth have stated that the earth will inevitably experience a 6th mass extinction at some point. And based on how the world is changing over the years, I’m not that surprised. Of course, not a super fast extinction, but a slow subtle one.

Okay, it sounds like I’m one of those people running around claiming “IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD,” but I’m not getting to that point haha I’m merely sharing my thoughts on this. I don’t have anyone close to me I can talk about seriously regarding this matter so might as well talk to myself about it on the blog! Also, have you seen the photo of the starving polar bear in the Arctic due to the rapidly melting ice? It’s really saddening.

Any who, thought of the day!

Life Happens


Anyone got a motto? A life motto that you live by? I never used to have one, but after the cheating incident, I’ve developed “life happens.” I’m not sure how it came to be or why I thought of that, but I recall there were a few days several months ago where for some reason, those words would not leave my mind. It seemed like they were etched into my mind and I couldn’t forget about it.

It sounds simple, but damn it resonated with me. To me, it represented how life is unpredictable. I mean, yeah everyone says that on the regular but it REALLY hit me then that life is seriously fucking unpredictable. Like, I never imagined my then-boyfriend would cheat on me. And I NEVER, in my entire life, thought I would go through a ho phase.

I used to be the most loyal person ever. Like, even if I was talking to a guy and there was no promise of what we would be or no label on us, I’d still stick to him and brush away other dudes. I would invest myself so much in one guy if there was even a little something there. Who knew that I would turn into a damn ho for a few weeks.

All this made me realize that you really cannot have any expectations in life. Why have expectations? In the end, you’re either mildly surprised and happy that they came true or plummeted into the ravines of disappointment. Well, not true, I guess you could be high in the clouds of ecstatic emotions if something you expected came true.

Regardless, my point is that things are so unexpected, you know? Like, no matter what you planned in life, something else that’s drastically different could occur. I wonder what else could happen that will be so unpredictable in my life. That doesn’t mean I’m gonna live my life without a plan (I’ve always been a planner and I doubt that’ll change one day). All I’m saying is that I’m not going to expect things to stay cemented. I can’t hold onto things – I have to let go of the concept of grasping, as my cousin so wisely said recently.

Oh side note: It’s hilarious but I checked out my yearly horoscope, and for the love section it said that I’ll meet a few romantic interests, and I quote, “through a matchmaking experience of some sort – such as speed dating or an actual matchmaker.” Wow, tinder much? Haha, and then it said that if I can’t choose among the few good romantic possibilities, then “just date casually until you discover that particular someone who seems right for you.”

I think my yearly horoscope is encouraging me to continue being a ho in the most uplifting way possible. Haha, I know it’s just a horoscope but it’s entertaining to look at.

Anyway, that’s all, have a great night everyone!

Life or Death?

You know what I think about sometimes? Life and death. No, not about my odd phobia. But like… the mysteries of it and the social view of them.

Everyone obviously prefers life over death, and some of the most famous quotes are about living life, having no regrets, and so on. You gotta live the life, take risks, do wild things so that later in life you won’t have those “what if” thoughts.


What if death is what is better for us? That sounds pretty dark. Phrased a different way, what if death is more beautiful than life? All we know is life, nothing about death. Well, people do have near death experiences and I guess some people use hypnosis to check it out, but we’d never know until we truly experience it. Which, unfortunately, would mean we wouldn’t be able to come back to tell the tale/experience.

We know pretty much nothing about death. And that’s scary for most people. Not knowing what something is, not knowing the unknown. Death could be all sorts of things, and I suppose religions have different views on it. Like Tibetan Buddhists (I’m not sure about Buddhists from other countries) believe in reincarnation/rebirth and Christians believe in hell or heaven. Or afterlife. But for the most part, death is just nothingness. It’s black, nothingness. Mainly because we can’t imagine what it’s like.

And I think we’re also “scared” of death a little bit because society has created the image that when you die, a skeleton in a hooded cloak and huge scythe comes to take your soul away. For most people, hell is another representation of death. The fiery, hot, dark depths full of screams and agony (I could be wrong, I’m just putting down what I normally hear).

For all we know… Death could be a beautiful place. A pleasant, wonderful paradise. Who knows? Some TV shows show that, like Ghost Whisperer. From an episode I remember, one of the ghosts (main character’s family member) resided in a beautiful garden like place.

So like that, if we knew what death was like, then what if death is the thing we’d desire more than life? What if death is better suited for us?

One of my favorite quotes (not from a famous person, just made up) I found online is:

“Life asked death, “why do people love me but hate you?” And death responded, “Because you are a beautiful lie and I am a painful truth.”” <—— (Looooove)

So yeah, I have strange thoughts sometimes. What are your thoughts on this? Ever thought about death at all actually?

Life and Death

Wow. I had quite an intense discussion with my roommate last night. We talked about death and life. The topic raised after she finished reading the book assigned by one of my english classes called “The Death of Ivan Ilyich.” (I’m only on chapter two and we have to finish the book for tomorrow so I’m kind of fucked. Luckily, it’s a short story and the chapters aren’t long.) The title kind of explains what the plot is, but basically it’s about a man named Ivan Ilyich and he gets this disease (we’re not really sure if it’s cancer or something) and he only lives for three days. He’s scared of death, like a lot, and refuses to admit that he will die. He’s just terrified of the idea. That’s all I know, I don’t know any specifics.

So anyway, after she finished it, she was “dazed” by what she read. She became philosophical and just talked her feelings (haha). We discussed about the typical question: “Why is there life? What’s the purpose of life? Why are we here?” Yeah, they’re so typical and old fashioned in a sense, but when you really ask yourself those questions, you become curious and realize that it’s a legit question.

I thought about ghosts too. Why are there ghosts (If you believe in ghosts)? I don’t know if I myself believe in ghosts, but when I watch those ghost adventure tv shows, I highly doubt those are made up… So suppose they are real. Ghosts of people stay behind because they died in misery or anger, right? Or their life was tormented so they didn’t die peacefully. Like if they got murdered. So if people’s spirits stay behind, they roam around and stuff. If that’s true, then does that mean their minds stay behind with them? Does their conscious stay behind like ours? Or are they simply mindless souls wandering around?

Is our mind connected to our soul even? I think the souls are who we are, our bodies are simply casts or cases to hold “us” in. So I guess that makes sense, concluding that the mind is part of our soul. Back to the ghosts, if the mind does stay back, we’re basically somewhat immortal? I really doubt someone would want to be immortal like that… You won’t be able to use your senses (touch smell, etc.).

Even so, I don’t think I would want to become immortal. You’ll have to watch everyone you love die eventually. You’d pretty much change yourself into a cold person and keep distance from everyone so you won’t get hurt and sad when they leave you one day. But then that takes the point out of being immortal, you won’t enjoy anything in your life.

And subject change (I’m jumping back and forth a lot). Why is there life? Suppose you were to take everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, away from earth (life, objects, animals, humans, and so on) and then take away the universe (yes the entire thing)…. What else is there? Is there anything beyond all that? How far does the universe stretch? Does it stop eventually? If so, then what’s beyond that? Is that where such thing called parallel dimensions come into play?

Gosh, this is so confusing. When you really really think about these things, your mind becomes freaked out. Trust me. It’s been a while since I’ve talked/thought about these kinds of things.