Lonesome Nights

There are days where I feel lonely, and it’s most often an emphasized feeling toward night time or when no one else is at home with me (obviously). It’s a painfully aching emotion in which I can practically feel just how hollow the inside of my body is. Or, at least, it certainly feels like my body is merely an empty cavity.

I find I don’t have anyone I can talk to. Some friends do say that they’ll always be there for me and that I should just let them know when I’m down in the blues, but when the time comes it always seems like they have something better to do and I’m just in the way. Of course, I could be imagining it too.

Right now I’m in bed feeling pretty lonely, and I realized just how nice it is to sleep with someone. I mean quite literally, sleeping next to someone in bed.

When I’m over at Gamer’s apartment and we’re lounging around or I’m sleeping over, we lay next to each other and I find myself being physically clingy. I want to be touching him in some way, be it placing my head on his lap or my legs sprawled over his (I basically act like a cat that knows no boundaries).

When we sleep at nights, the room could be at a warm, cozy temperature and I’m snugggled up against his chest with his arms around me. Just closing my eyes right now I can revaluate how comfy and soothing it is.

Then back at home I’m alone in my queen sized bed, the room at a cooler temperature because, of course, my mom is wary of heating bills.

Its lonesome. But from time to time, throughout the day, I’ll catch a whiff of Gamer’s deodorant on my clothing or hair and I can never stop sniffing it every now and then. It mentally takes me back to his warm room that I might often complain about it being too hot, and I just remember how relaxing it is to sleep with him. To fall asleep in warmth and have someone’s arms around you through the night.

Perhaps my phases of loneliness is due to my getting spoiled from all the comforting moments I get at Gamer’s place. Or maybe, I am physically clingy because I have always been a little lonely to begin with and now just merely am aware of how I feel now and then. Who knows.

Either way, I wish I wasn’t so lonely here and then. Or that I was able to express it to someone. I really dislike this period of my life emotion wise.

Hopefully tonight I’ll be able to go to sleep without these empty but heavy feelings.

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Late Night Story

Hi everyone,

It’s been a long while since I last posted. To be honest, nothing super exciting has been happening. So, since it’s been a while and I still feel the need to post something, here is a little tidbit I wrote. Often times, a moment will suddenly give me the need to write it down in story form. The following piece was written down the day after it happened, and I remember in the moment one sentence stuck out to me for a while: “… no more words were exchanged as we retired for the night.” I changed the sentence once I began editing it, but that’s where the piece stemmed from. That one sentence. And that’s normally how most of my stories begin, from one random sentence that sticks to my mind until I write it down and then expand around it. So, please enjoy! It’s actually quite a bit longer, so I cut it down a bit for this post. Sorry if it seems a bit abrupt or such in some areas :) This takes place a few weeks ago when I spent the night at Gamer’s place.

It was nearing 3am, and my eyes were so strained it didn’t even feel comfortable to close them. I took off the shirt he lent me and placed it next to me against the wall in a crumpled fashion before lying down, enjoying the comfort of my head sinking into the pillow. Returning from the bathroom earlier, I had turned the lights off and now only the blue lights of his dual monitors across the room and his bright laptop nearby illuminated the room in an oddly soothing way. It was clear our introverted selves had enough of mindless chatter for the night and I could tell both of our minds had sunken down to a level where having a conversation did not seem like the most appealing idea.

His room was chillier than usual – at 72 degrees – the perfect temperature for me to wrap the blanket around me and be cozy. I brought the blanket up to my chest and tucked it neatly under my arms before glancing down by my feet. I was unable to completely stretch out my legs because he was lying horizontally, his back to me as he was still on his laptop looking at Pokemon source codes. He seemed wide awake, compared to earlier when he was dozing off while we were on the 5th YouTube episode of Pokemon glitches.

Wanting to stretch out, I scootched over and awkwardly pushed my legs past his arm and ended up in an odd curved position. Perhaps he realized that I was attempting to sleep or that it was getting incredibly late because he got up to come to lie in bed as well, bringing his laptop along.

“Chillin’?” He smiled at me as he moved toward the pillow, his laptop balanced on one hand and his laptop’s light reflecting off of his black rimmed glasses. I smiled and nodded in response. “Chillin’? Like a villain? On penicillin?” Letting out a laugh, I looked at him in a slightly quizzical way.

“What? That’s new,” I giggled as I moved over a bit more to give him room. He set his laptop down on the piano bench and plugged in his earphones – looks like tonight he’s not playing the video out loud. At first glance, it’s amusing to see a piano bench next to his bed, but it was conveniently level with the bed so one could place multiple items on it. He had brought the bench months ago into his room from the piano in the dining room so that there was a flat surface to put our Indian take out on. And it’s been in his room ever since.

As was done every night, he began his nightly YouTube search of a lengthy, commentated gameplay to lull him to sleep. Tonight, he searched up a random gameplay of The Binding of Isaac: Rebirth on his favorite YouTube channel, a game that he’s been resorting to for the past couple weeks.

“I said that to you earlier, remember?” he let out a chuckle as well as he placed his glasses next to his laptop and lay down, putting in one earphone to listen to the gameplay. He glanced at me and moved his arm above my head. In response, I swept my hair to my free side and raised my head so that we’d transition into our default sleeping position.

“Oh yeah, that’s right you did.” I then briefly remembered him asking me that earlier in the day when I was lying on his bed reading while he worked on the game he was programming by himself. Resting my head partly on his chest, I snuggled up to him and rested a relaxed fist on his chest while he wrapped his arms around me comfortably. 

That was all we said that night as I closed my eyes and we both retired for the night. The white noise of the fan whirred in the background but was soon forgotten about as I subconsciously matched my breathing with his rising and falling chest. He had a faint but very familiar smell lingering on his skin. I still wasn’t sure if it was from his Jimmy Choo’s Man cologne or his Old Spice body wash even after months of being with him, but whatever it was, I loved it. Nothing has ever soothed me as much as that scent has and, as always, I could practically feel my entire mind relax as I breathed it in. 

A few minutes later, I was nearly dozing off but the sound of his his heartbeat speeding up disrupted that. It thumped loudly, but perhaps that was because my ear was right above his heart. He’s having a panic attack. I uncurled the loose fist that was formed on his chest and lightly traced my long fingernails up and down a small area of his chest without moving my hand.

It wasn’t much and I knew it probably wasn’t going to make a big difference, but I hoped it helped a little bit. Shortly after, his fast and loud heartbeat subsided back to normal and I stopped the light scratches, glad to see it was over. Panic attacks suck, and I still have no idea how he manages to keep a straight face on when he goes through one. Granted, he’s been getting them constantly since he was a child. I turned on my side and relaxed, hoping for my mind to descend into the haziness of sleep soon. He shifted along with me and I felt his arm slip over my bare waist and hold me close. Comforted by his soft, even breathing by my ear, I let out a breath of contentment as the quiet night settled on us peacefully.

Train Anxiety

Last night I was on my way home to sleep over at Gamer’s place (every time I post, it has something to do with Gamer. I swear I have more things in life, it just seems like all the post-worthy things occur on days I’m with Gamer), and I had another bad anxiety attack.

All day I was feeling a bit mellow for no particular reason, so I suppose I wasn’t in the best position to resist an anxiety attack to begin with. But anyway, I was switching train lines and walking down the long underground tunnel to catch the next appropriate train, and I began to feel the anxiety creep up on me slightly. I felt my heart beat a little harder and faster for no reason at all, but it felt minor so I was able to push it away from my mind for about ten minutes.

Because it was a Friday night, there were quite a lot more people going out and about on the train (all dressed up with friends and such). They were in a good mood I could see, as they were loud and chatty. I could tell they were loud even through my earphones. Two people were even dancing to their own music. Friday vibes, huh?

The train was especially humid and stuffy too (I think it was a combination of weather and also a crowded train), so it didn’t really help my situation. Because it was so crowded, loud and stuffy, I felt worse. My heart started going INSANE with its beats, I felt so uncomfortable in my clothes (like I was hot but not hot at the same time), restless, fidgety… I didn’t have a seat to sit down so I was constantly shifting from one leg to the other, trying to stop being so restless.

I hadn’t had a bad anxiety attack like that since January… Anywho, about four stops into the train ride underground, I reached my peak. I felt like I was about to burst into tears any moment and I really failed this time to calm myself down. I texted my friend, gonna call her Diva (one of my greatest friends, one I can rely on always), and she helped distract me for the remaining two stops I had to endure. Thank god too ’cause if she hadn’t I would not have been able to handle the rest of the short ride.

Once I got off the train, I felt more at ease but I still didn’t feel all too myself. So once I exited the station, I sat down on this little stone wall a few feet away from the station doors. It wasn’t too cold out, but the slight night breeze helped calm me down slightly. Not to mention fresh air! I sat there for maybe 15 minutes just breathing slowly and deeply and worked at trying to calm myself down.

I thought I felt well enough to head over to Gamer’s place, but on my way there it came back. Not as bad, thankfully, but just enough to make me still not feel like myself. I felt kinda bad that Gamer had to greet me when I probably wasn’t so cheery but he was very nice about it. Gamer has a panic disorder himself so he’s very well aware of what it’s like (although he has it much worse than me). He noticed right away that something was wrong, and when I told him I was in the middle of an anxiety attack, he told me to lie down, relax, drink some water and listen to some music while he went to shower. And it did help haha when he came back into the room later, I did feel more myself.

Yeah but anyway, that was a great start to my weekend *rolls eyes.* I had fun at Gamer’s place though. We learned some Japanese (to be honest I already forgot most of it) and I was pleasantly surprised to see how interested Gamer was. Seeing him so into it kind of rekindled my interest in learning Chinese haha.

Anyway, it’s late now. I’m tired and am going to go sleep. Good night everyone!

Vivid Emotions in Dreams

Dreams are odd. Most times they can be straight up random and other times they might be meaningful. Of course, can’t forget about the nightmares either.

Ever since Magician and I broke up, I occasionally get these strange, incredibly vivid dreams. At first, I thought perhaps the dreams were basically having me relive the moments I went through when I found out about all the lies Magician had told me. But eventually I realized that it may be more of my dreams projecting my subconscious insecurities/fears.

As we all know, I have trust issues thanks to Magician, and I suppose beyond that I have a slight fear that I’m being lied to by most guys (if not all). That they’re merely telling me what I want to hear. When I was seeing Jif at the end of summer, I had this dream that he called me after I woke up and nonchalantly admitted that he’s also been seeing another girl at the same time as me and that he wanted us two to stop seeing each other. I forget what else happened but man, it was incredibly vivid and I felt all these emotions. The feelings were so real that I woke up convinced for a good minute that that really happened.

I write this post because I just recently had another vivid dream. Over the weekend I slept over at Gamer’s place and all was fine and dandy. When we went to bed, we snuggled up and it was comfortable. But then the dream happened.

The dream was basically about me hanging out at Gamer’s place and he (also nonchalantly) said that he was seeing another girl (some girl named Lissandra… talk about random name choosing). I obviously became outraged and hurt and I think I started crying from anger. Then Gamer started to kind of taunt me like “how could you have not known? Come on it was so obvious.” Other little things happened afterward but essentially I stormed out right when Lissandra (Lissandra, seriously? How did my brain come up with that) showed up an he just ignored me and seemed WAY happier with her.

It was just a silly dream though and the contents don’t really bother me so much as the feelings I felt. And looking back, the dream didn’t really make sense (typical dream to not make sense) because at one moment my good high school friend was there randomly in Gamer’s house comforting me. And he’s normally tall and lanky but in my dream he was fatter and had long hair that was tied back…

Anyway, as I was saying I think it has less to do with the content of the dream and more about how I felt. Like honestly, I really do not know how to emphasize just how REAL those emotions felt. I guess in a way I did relive the emotions I felt last July when I found out my long-term Magician cheated on me and lied to my face constantly. And it absolutely sucks.

When I woke up, the feelings of hurt and rage lingered still inside me and I woke up agitated and also slightly confused of where I was. Even after realizing it was all just a dream and I was lying in Gamer’s bed with my head on his chest, I still felt pretty down. It was like 9am and I wanted to sleep more but I ended up staring at the ceiling for like a good hour, willing the remaining negative feelings to go away. Those emotions in a dream are no joke.

I was so affected by it for a while, Gamer even noticed my distraught self and asked what happened. I told him I had a bad dream, but I couldn’t tell him about the dream specifically though. It seemed a little weird/awkward considering we’re nothing serious. So when he asked me what the dream was about, I said I forgot it. But really, even a few days later I still remember majority of it.

Besides that though, there was another time I had a vivid dream that I didn’t hate. It happened probably a few years ago maybe? I can’t remember. But basically, I had given birth and I was holding my newborn child in my arms at the hospital, looking down at the baby. That was it, but damn… the amount of love and warm feelings I felt was overwhelming and so… incredible. To be honest, I currently am not fond of babies (I’m awkward around them), but I gotta say that was one of my favorite dreams. When I woke up, I remember thinking “Ah, so that’s what it feels like to be a mom.” To get all those heart-bursting feelings and just…. so much love and joy that I couldn’t contain inside my body. That’s also a dream I cannot emphasize just how real it all felt and the abundance of good vibes I felt.

Anywho, I’m hoping my subconscious will stop bothering me and projecting those negative emotions into my dreams.

Bookstore Adventures

Last night, I slept over at Gamer’s place, but before I went over to his place I stopped by my favorite bookstore. It’s a bookstore that I would go to every day in middle school. I used to go there with my family friend to chat and catch up, I would tutor a friend in math there in 8th grade, or I would simply sit and do my own work as well (they had nice long tables against the window of the store where you could work).

Along with that, they have this mini cafe near the entrance of the bookstore, and every time you walk in, it smells heavenly. At least, to me it does haha it smells warm (if that’s possible to imagine) and just oh so soothing. It’s not the smell of coffee or anything either. I can’t place my finger on it, but it’s like a mix of books and… I’m not sure! Warm books?? Whatever it is, it’s very comforting to me.

I still go there when I can and while I do see new faces, it’s nice to see old employees that have been there since my middle school days back in ’08 or so.

Anyway, so I was there last night and I discovered a section I had never come across before. A paleontology section. Cue the enthusiastic trumpet noises. I was ecstatic as hell and so surprised I never saw it before! I think it’s partly because the section is RIGHT next to the door (and the shelf on the floor too) that employees go through to get to their back storage so it’s a bit odd to crouch down like Gollum in front of that door and have the possibility of someone opening the door and tripping over you.

Because I didn’t want to cause any accidents, I browsed through the two shelves pretty quickly. It was mainly a “life sciences” section so it had all sorts of evolution books and dinosaur ones. I ended up buying this one book called “The Story of Life in 25 Fossils.”  It basically discusses 25 of the most important and iconic fossil discoveries in history and goes in depth about why they’re important to the study of evolution/paleontology. It includes fossils like Archaeopteryx (first dinosaur they discovered with feathers) and trilobites and other paleobotany related fossils.

I’ve actually been eyeing this book at a Barnes and Nobles store, which was cheaper by like maybe $10, but I couldn’t wait so I purchased it. Even though I’m stingy. I cried mentally while at the counter making the buy, but tried to convince myself it was worth $35.

At Gamer’s place I read it for a bit and it’s interesting! Gamer called me a nerd, but ha. Later he was reading a book on binary codes and such, so who’s the nerd now. Kidding, I think it’s great when people nerd out haha it means they have something they’re passionate about and that’s what makes life a little more enjoyable, right?

Gamer is pretty big into coding and programming, and he actually is currently working on programming his own game. Pretty cool, right?

Anyway, I’m going to go continue this book for a while before I have to head off to work.

Have a great day, everyone!