Lonesome Nights

There are days where I feel lonely, and it’s most often an emphasized feeling toward night time or when no one else is at home with me (obviously). It’s a painfully aching emotion in which I can practically feel just how hollow the inside of my body is. Or, at least, it certainly feels like my body is merely an empty cavity.

I find I don’t have anyone I can talk to. Some friends do say that they’ll always be there for me and that I should just let them know when I’m down in the blues, but when the time comes it always seems like they have something better to do and I’m just in the way. Of course, I could be imagining it too.

Right now I’m in bed feeling pretty lonely, and I realized just how nice it is to sleep with someone. I mean quite literally, sleeping next to someone in bed.

When I’m over at Gamer’s apartment and we’re lounging around or I’m sleeping over, we lay next to each other and I find myself being physically clingy. I want to be touching him in some way, be it placing my head on his lap or my legs sprawled over his (I basically act like a cat that knows no boundaries).

When we sleep at nights, the room could be at a warm, cozy temperature and I’m snugggled up against his chest with his arms around me. Just closing my eyes right now I can revaluate how comfy and soothing it is.

Then back at home I’m alone in my queen sized bed, the room at a cooler temperature because, of course, my mom is wary of heating bills.

Its lonesome. But from time to time, throughout the day, I’ll catch a whiff of Gamer’s deodorant on my clothing or hair and I can never stop sniffing it every now and then. It mentally takes me back to his warm room that I might often complain about it being too hot, and I just remember how relaxing it is to sleep with him. To fall asleep in warmth and have someone’s arms around you through the night.

Perhaps my phases of loneliness is due to my getting spoiled from all the comforting moments I get at Gamer’s place. Or maybe, I am physically clingy because I have always been a little lonely to begin with and now just merely am aware of how I feel now and then. Who knows.

Either way, I wish I wasn’t so lonely here and then. Or that I was able to express it to someone. I really dislike this period of my life emotion wise.

Hopefully tonight I’ll be able to go to sleep without these empty but heavy feelings.

Late Night Story

Hi everyone,

It’s been a long while since I last posted. To be honest, nothing super exciting has been happening. So, since it’s been a while and I still feel the need to post something, here is a little tidbit I wrote. Often times, a moment will suddenly give me the need to write it down in story form. The following piece was written down the day after it happened, and I remember in the moment one sentence stuck out to me for a while: “… no more words were exchanged as we retired for the night.” I changed the sentence once I began editing it, but that’s where the piece stemmed from. That one sentence. And that’s normally how most of my stories begin, from one random sentence that sticks to my mind until I write it down and then expand around it. So, please enjoy! It’s actually quite a bit longer, so I cut it down a bit for this post. Sorry if it seems a bit abrupt or such in some areas :) This takes place a few weeks ago when I spent the night at Gamer’s place.

It was nearing 3am, and my eyes were so strained it didn’t even feel comfortable to close them. I took off the shirt he lent me and placed it next to me against the wall in a crumpled fashion before lying down, enjoying the comfort of my head sinking into the pillow. Returning from the bathroom earlier, I had turned the lights off and now only the blue lights of his dual monitors across the room and his bright laptop nearby illuminated the room in an oddly soothing way. It was clear our introverted selves had enough of mindless chatter for the night and I could tell both of our minds had sunken down to a level where having a conversation did not seem like the most appealing idea.

His room was chillier than usual – at 72 degrees – the perfect temperature for me to wrap the blanket around me and be cozy. I brought the blanket up to my chest and tucked it neatly under my arms before glancing down by my feet. I was unable to completely stretch out my legs because he was lying horizontally, his back to me as he was still on his laptop looking at Pokemon source codes. He seemed wide awake, compared to earlier when he was dozing off while we were on the 5th YouTube episode of Pokemon glitches.

Wanting to stretch out, I scootched over and awkwardly pushed my legs past his arm and ended up in an odd curved position. Perhaps he realized that I was attempting to sleep or that it was getting incredibly late because he got up to come to lie in bed as well, bringing his laptop along.

“Chillin’?” He smiled at me as he moved toward the pillow, his laptop balanced on one hand and his laptop’s light reflecting off of his black rimmed glasses. I smiled and nodded in response. “Chillin’? Like a villain? On penicillin?” Letting out a laugh, I looked at him in a slightly quizzical way.

“What? That’s new,” I giggled as I moved over a bit more to give him room. He set his laptop down on the piano bench and plugged in his earphones – looks like tonight he’s not playing the video out loud. At first glance, it’s amusing to see a piano bench next to his bed, but it was conveniently level with the bed so one could place multiple items on it. He had brought the bench months ago into his room from the piano in the dining room so that there was a flat surface to put our Indian take out on. And it’s been in his room ever since.

As was done every night, he began his nightly YouTube search of a lengthy, commentated gameplay to lull him to sleep. Tonight, he searched up a random gameplay of The Binding of Isaac: Rebirth on his favorite YouTube channel, a game that he’s been resorting to for the past couple weeks.

“I said that to you earlier, remember?” he let out a chuckle as well as he placed his glasses next to his laptop and lay down, putting in one earphone to listen to the gameplay. He glanced at me and moved his arm above my head. In response, I swept my hair to my free side and raised my head so that we’d transition into our default sleeping position.

“Oh yeah, that’s right you did.” I then briefly remembered him asking me that earlier in the day when I was lying on his bed reading while he worked on the game he was programming by himself. Resting my head partly on his chest, I snuggled up to him and rested a relaxed fist on his chest while he wrapped his arms around me comfortably. 

That was all we said that night as I closed my eyes and we both retired for the night. The white noise of the fan whirred in the background but was soon forgotten about as I subconsciously matched my breathing with his rising and falling chest. He had a faint but very familiar smell lingering on his skin. I still wasn’t sure if it was from his Jimmy Choo’s Man cologne or his Old Spice body wash even after months of being with him, but whatever it was, I loved it. Nothing has ever soothed me as much as that scent has and, as always, I could practically feel my entire mind relax as I breathed it in. 

A few minutes later, I was nearly dozing off but the sound of his his heartbeat speeding up disrupted that. It thumped loudly, but perhaps that was because my ear was right above his heart. He’s having a panic attack. I uncurled the loose fist that was formed on his chest and lightly traced my long fingernails up and down a small area of his chest without moving my hand.

It wasn’t much and I knew it probably wasn’t going to make a big difference, but I hoped it helped a little bit. Shortly after, his fast and loud heartbeat subsided back to normal and I stopped the light scratches, glad to see it was over. Panic attacks suck, and I still have no idea how he manages to keep a straight face on when he goes through one. Granted, he’s been getting them constantly since he was a child. I turned on my side and relaxed, hoping for my mind to descend into the haziness of sleep soon. He shifted along with me and I felt his arm slip over my bare waist and hold me close. Comforted by his soft, even breathing by my ear, I let out a breath of contentment as the quiet night settled on us peacefully.